Yesterday I received a letter from my little buddy, Osman, in Nicaragua.
He included a scripture verse that totally spoke to my heart in preparation for a new year. His enormous 10-year-old heart hears God so well...
"For the Lord will not cast off his people, neither will he forsake his inheritance." -Psalm 94:14
Amen. 2013 is a year of understanding more the incredible nature of inheritance. I'm His inheritance, never forsaken, never left alone. Always on his mind, never forgotten. My life planned out and designed from before the beginning of creation, the DNA of my being made to worship Him, the very nature of who I am a perfect fit inside of His heart, exploding with His beauty, giving Him everything, dancing throughout the writing of the words, sentences, pages, chapters of this amazing story. Ah the chance to be alive for such a time as this, correctly positioned and greatly wanted inside of these pages of history. The revolutionary power inside that revelation! WE ARE WANTED! WE ARE NEEDED! Our lives are here for movement and transformation.
Yes! 2013. I'm so ready for all that is in store, all that is to come.
May it be more incredible than even our wildest dreams.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Happy New Year's Eve!
I said to the man who
stood at the gate of the year,
“Give me a light that I may
tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied –
“Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the
hand of God.
That shall be to you better
than light and safer than
a known way.”
Written by Minnie Louis Haskins
and quoted by King George V1 in his 1939 Christmas broadcast to the British Empire.
stood at the gate of the year,
“Give me a light that I may
tread safely into the unknown.”
And he replied –
“Go out into the darkness
and put your hand into the
hand of God.
That shall be to you better
than light and safer than
a known way.”
Written by Minnie Louis Haskins
and quoted by King George V1 in his 1939 Christmas broadcast to the British Empire.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wise Words from a Friend
"Shoot for the stars and if you miss, you'll probably get sucked into a black hole and discover something everyone has been waiting for anyway."
-Roger Hart
Oh! Pioneeeeeeer.
Today feels like a smile and a kiss from Papa. We're headed to the Avenue of the Giants for the rare experience of feeling incredibly small next to giant redwoods.
As the northern part of Route 101 stretches before us, my thoughts turn to the first settlers of this land and the courage required to explore rugged, unfamiliar territory. Thinking about the decisions we too often face when we feel the invitation into a great adventure that will inevitably change us in deep and life broadening ways, I wonder how often our hearts ignore the beautiful whisper of the Great Captain as he beckons us into journeys dangerous and incredible, simply because we don't know what we'll look like when we emerge on the other side. Will the people we love even recognize us? Will we even be called by the same name when we reach the end? What will such a journey cost?
But when I think of the alternative, I know that the only way to live is fully alive in Him, where the path is often unpredictable but the joy is unspeakable, full of glory.
One thing I'm learning about living courageously is that following peace doesn't always look like taking the predictable, safe route. Peace doesn't mean we know the outcome or the cost, but it does mean we trust the Father's heart enough to know He really wants to write an incredible story with our lives as we just surrender to His invitations. He is more than capable and willing to take our surrender and turn it into something glory. And in God, where there is peace, there grace also exists, and grace will always find and sustain us on the path.
Sometimes when I quiet my heart in the midst of transition and decision making, I can hear Him whisper things like, "Oh dear one, don't you know your name is etched all over my heart and my hand? You matter to me in ways beyond your understanding, and I will fulfill everything I've promised. Don't miss out on doing life deeply with me. I can promise you that fullness is the consequence of taking my hand and walking with Me."
Oh to be a pioneer walking with Him. What other offer could ever satisfy more than that?
As the northern part of Route 101 stretches before us, my thoughts turn to the first settlers of this land and the courage required to explore rugged, unfamiliar territory. Thinking about the decisions we too often face when we feel the invitation into a great adventure that will inevitably change us in deep and life broadening ways, I wonder how often our hearts ignore the beautiful whisper of the Great Captain as he beckons us into journeys dangerous and incredible, simply because we don't know what we'll look like when we emerge on the other side. Will the people we love even recognize us? Will we even be called by the same name when we reach the end? What will such a journey cost?
But when I think of the alternative, I know that the only way to live is fully alive in Him, where the path is often unpredictable but the joy is unspeakable, full of glory.
One thing I'm learning about living courageously is that following peace doesn't always look like taking the predictable, safe route. Peace doesn't mean we know the outcome or the cost, but it does mean we trust the Father's heart enough to know He really wants to write an incredible story with our lives as we just surrender to His invitations. He is more than capable and willing to take our surrender and turn it into something glory. And in God, where there is peace, there grace also exists, and grace will always find and sustain us on the path.
Sometimes when I quiet my heart in the midst of transition and decision making, I can hear Him whisper things like, "Oh dear one, don't you know your name is etched all over my heart and my hand? You matter to me in ways beyond your understanding, and I will fulfill everything I've promised. Don't miss out on doing life deeply with me. I can promise you that fullness is the consequence of taking my hand and walking with Me."
Oh to be a pioneer walking with Him. What other offer could ever satisfy more than that?
beautiful.
"You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you."
-Frederick Buechner
-Frederick Buechner
Saturday, December 22, 2012
inconceivably dear
"You are inconceivably, irresistibly dear."
-Irish Storyteller, sharing his grandmother's words
The artists danced, sang, played beautiful instruments and told stories, all things that get my heart wild, connecting me to something of my heritage, even if it is a distant connection. The Irish know what it means to value a story, and they know how to celebrate. What better way to prepare for the celebration of Christmas, the most breathtaking story in all the world?
As I think about stories lately, my thoughts often wander to eyes. Which is strange, I guess, but in my own logic, there is a powerful linkage between a person's eyes (and hands), and their journey. When I picture Jesus right now, His face is full of laughter and His eyes smile. Maybe the writer of Little Drummer Boy saw that picture too when he penned "then He smiled at me," seeing a Savior whose eyes already held in them the destiny of what He would become, the kindness of a pure heart that would give its life out of love for friends. Eyes that would silently, yet loudly, communicate to each person who encountered them, "You are truly, deeply loved. Inconceivably, irresistibly dear, worth my very life."
And not only did His sight speak value, but His gaze contained the power to redeem. Meant to change the chemistry of the eyes that stared back into His, taking all the stories of their journey, brokenness and all, fitting them into the beauty of being hidden inside of Him forever.
This Christmas, the prayer of my heart is for Jesus' gaze to capture my family, taking the brokenness of this last year and bringing it into His strong embrace. We will see His goodness in the land of the living, where our eyes are full of laughter, smiling back at Him as He smiles at us.
Monday, December 17, 2012
random finds
I was looking through an old notebook for some important information when I discovered a random attempt at poetry I wrote a few years ago. As cheesy and not well written as it may be, I found myself identifying with the prayer in the words...
I don't know how far I've traveled,
Or what the cost has been.
All I know is that You're beautiful
And I'd do it all again
Just to hear you call me friend
The way you rejoice over me
makes me come undone
I can't help but believe again
dream again
I don't want to walk away without being changed
I don't want to leave this place without knowing fully my own name.
I don't know how far I've traveled,
Or what the cost has been.
All I know is that You're beautiful
And I'd do it all again
Just to hear you call me friend
The way you rejoice over me
makes me come undone
I can't help but believe again
dream again
I don't want to walk away without being changed
I don't want to leave this place without knowing fully my own name.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Fractures Become Weapons in His Hands
This morning, the teacher of a class I am taking on providing aftercare for women coming out of human-trafficking, started talking about the fractures in our lives that develop as a result of trauma. Extreme trauma will sometimes produce abnormal behavior patterns, which psychology has named schizophrenia, but with the Holy Spirit, the fractures can be healed and those who have been through hell on earth can actually become functional human beings. It was an intense class, one that will break your heart because the stories are real.
Then came self reflection.
Then came self reflection.
After the class, I was sitting in a worship service, singing some of the most anointed songs ever written: Christmas songs. As we were singing, God began to show me how specific events in my own life resulted in some fractures that often feel like fragmented story pieces which will never produce anything coherent. I've often viewed them as these parts that I just want to forget, even with the deep down desire to believe that God doesn't waste a thing.
As I worshipped, I saw a picture of all of the fragmented pieces being met by His love, where He took the fractures and suddenly there was wholeness, with each one having an important part to play in the making of who I am and what I carry. And the Father didn't just bring wholeness, but every single traumatic event that resulted in fracture actually became a weapon, accurate and powerful. Like an arrow that hits its mark every time. I saw God take everything that felt broken, and not only bring His wholeness but anoint the broken pieces so they could become a blessing.
And that's what He does every time, if we just let Him. If we just offer up the pieces to Him, vulnerable and raw, and let Him cover and saturate them with His love. He makes them a door of hope. A door that will become an invitation to others, inviting them into a story of healing and redemption--a living epistle of the Gospel.
As I worshipped, I saw a picture of all of the fragmented pieces being met by His love, where He took the fractures and suddenly there was wholeness, with each one having an important part to play in the making of who I am and what I carry. And the Father didn't just bring wholeness, but every single traumatic event that resulted in fracture actually became a weapon, accurate and powerful. Like an arrow that hits its mark every time. I saw God take everything that felt broken, and not only bring His wholeness but anoint the broken pieces so they could become a blessing.
And that's what He does every time, if we just let Him. If we just offer up the pieces to Him, vulnerable and raw, and let Him cover and saturate them with His love. He makes them a door of hope. A door that will become an invitation to others, inviting them into a story of healing and redemption--a living epistle of the Gospel.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Just these two words He spoke
changed my life,
"Enjoy Me."
What a burden I thought I was to carry--
a crucifix, as did He.
Love once said to me, "I know a song,
would you like to hear it?"
And laughter came from every brick in the street
and from every pore
in the sky,
After a night of prayer, He changed my life when
He sang,
"Enjoy Me."
-Teresa of Avila
changed my life,
"Enjoy Me."
What a burden I thought I was to carry--
a crucifix, as did He.
Love once said to me, "I know a song,
would you like to hear it?"
And laughter came from every brick in the street
and from every pore
in the sky,
After a night of prayer, He changed my life when
He sang,
"Enjoy Me."
-Teresa of Avila
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Forever Yes
There are days spent drawing lines in the sand,
"I will walk this way, I choose You. Forever I'm Yours."
Simple prayers of surrender, pledges of eternal allegiance. They may seem brief, but those moments are an encounter, changing, defining, marking...shaping a history with God that no one and no thing can take away. No one can steal the decisions of "yes" you've given to God, the times of counting the cost and knowing in your heart that you'll never be satisfied unless you risk it all. Because you were made for love, and love craves after the promise of being fully alive, where the heart can no longer follow what is safe and familiar.
And when you draw that line and say yes to Jesus, to all that He is, you realize he's already said both a continual and final yes to your life before you drew your first breath. Knitting you together in your mother's womb, dreaming about you before the start of what we understand to be time. It was a yes. A yes that heaven knows about and will fiercely protect. A yes that heaven is backing up, whether we are aware of the support of the celestial or not. A yes that dances and sings over your life because you are such a wonder, so needed in the writing of this story, so perfectly designed for this time in history.
To be like those who dream. Who not only dream for our own lives, but dream for our generation, with the sort of faith that Joshua had, leading an entire people into the land of promise. To be like those whose mouths are filled with laughter, hearts full of song, shamelessly boasting to the nations the greatness of our God. And it's not because we memorized a few songs. It's because we have a history with Him. We've said yes to Him and watched how He's responded to surrender. We know that He is real, alive, and so deeply in love with humanity that our lives can't help but broadcast that message.
Don't discount the lines you've drawn. The times you've said yes. The story is developing, and not one part of it is in vain.
"I will walk this way, I choose You. Forever I'm Yours."
Simple prayers of surrender, pledges of eternal allegiance. They may seem brief, but those moments are an encounter, changing, defining, marking...shaping a history with God that no one and no thing can take away. No one can steal the decisions of "yes" you've given to God, the times of counting the cost and knowing in your heart that you'll never be satisfied unless you risk it all. Because you were made for love, and love craves after the promise of being fully alive, where the heart can no longer follow what is safe and familiar.
And when you draw that line and say yes to Jesus, to all that He is, you realize he's already said both a continual and final yes to your life before you drew your first breath. Knitting you together in your mother's womb, dreaming about you before the start of what we understand to be time. It was a yes. A yes that heaven knows about and will fiercely protect. A yes that heaven is backing up, whether we are aware of the support of the celestial or not. A yes that dances and sings over your life because you are such a wonder, so needed in the writing of this story, so perfectly designed for this time in history.
To be like those who dream. Who not only dream for our own lives, but dream for our generation, with the sort of faith that Joshua had, leading an entire people into the land of promise. To be like those whose mouths are filled with laughter, hearts full of song, shamelessly boasting to the nations the greatness of our God. And it's not because we memorized a few songs. It's because we have a history with Him. We've said yes to Him and watched how He's responded to surrender. We know that He is real, alive, and so deeply in love with humanity that our lives can't help but broadcast that message.
Don't discount the lines you've drawn. The times you've said yes. The story is developing, and not one part of it is in vain.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Ah, what Grace! That we can know the Father and walk in all of His fullness.
There are times when I imagine my head or hand cutting through the thin place that the ancient Celts spoke of, where heaven is closer and more present to earth than we are aware. This picture in my head is not just an artistic creation, but a reality, one available to all those who follow Jesus.
There are times when I imagine my head or hand cutting through the thin place that the ancient Celts spoke of, where heaven is closer and more present to earth than we are aware. This picture in my head is not just an artistic creation, but a reality, one available to all those who follow Jesus.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
"Darlin', your heart will be welded to mine."
-Ben Harris
Happy Thanksgiving 2012!
Thinking back on this year, which contained events that made loss sometimes feel like the most constant companion, I have noticed that the most incredible breakthroughs in my life came (and continue to come) when I choose to thank the Father. When I let the reality of His goodness, the reality of how He is ALWAYS for me, sink into my spirit and my very being, it feels like nothing is impossible anymore. Those are the moments when not only do I rejoice in what feels difficult and broken, but my heart literally feels welded to His. My perspective then changes drastically into bold prayers. Prayers like, "God, you said there would be trouble in this life...so thank you for preparing me to tackle the real problems of this time you set me inside of...for giving me the tenacity and strength to stand firm in the belief that heaven literally does invade earth through my life when I simply take you at your word." Living the reality of heaven on earth is a brave lifestyle, and I want the courage to live that way. So today I feel incredibly thankful for the hard things experienced in the last few months.
As a side note, today I am most thankful for my family, which includes the friends God has given me who feel like family. But especially I feel thankful for my siblings. They know me better than anyone. They love me in the midst of my terrible sleep hygiene, my inability to keep a straight face during serious moments, my awkward comments and poorly formed jokes.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Loss and home. Those words generate opposite emotions.
A safe place, like home, can envelop loss and minister wholeness to the pain and grief. Home is a feeling that cuts right through loneliness and whispers a song that the heart can hear.
I want home to overcome loss in my life; the revelation of adoption to weigh heavy on abandonment, displacing it. The revelation of adoption is like a weight of glory. It's a mystery that wraps you up in safety and true rest.
A safe place, like home, can envelop loss and minister wholeness to the pain and grief. Home is a feeling that cuts right through loneliness and whispers a song that the heart can hear.
I want home to overcome loss in my life; the revelation of adoption to weigh heavy on abandonment, displacing it. The revelation of adoption is like a weight of glory. It's a mystery that wraps you up in safety and true rest.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Sometimes the best dreams are found during the detours.
On the way to pick my sister Siobhan up from the airport on Thursday, I made a quick stop at the library. In typical me style, I ended up a bit turned around. After a series of wrong turns, I found one of the loveliest creeks, nestled away on a street I would have never noticed if not for my increased awareness of my surroundings as a result of being temporarily lost.
Mmm. Increased awareness. As a result of losing a bearing on my surroundings. Opening my senses to something new.
I think that moment taught me a truth I will hold in my heart for all my days. Don't discount the inconvenient; the turns that fail to make much sense in the present.
As I continued the two hour drive to Sacramento, which mainly consists of the occasional rest stop and flat land, I turned on some music and got lost in my thoughts, prayer, whatever you want to call it. Suddenly I found myself asking God, "WHY did I come here? Was it for rest? Because I feel like that is happening for me, and it has been beautiful. But I don't want to rest forever. Was it so you could restore my dreams, the things that felt shaken up in my heart from the craziness of this last year? I don't see how that can take too much time. When do I get on with the journey?"
The answer came last night as I was listening to Erica Greve speak on how each of us were made for a God size story, and until that is the kind of story we are living, our hearts will always feel restless. Then she said something so interesting. She said that God is wanting to recalibrate the hearts of His people right now. And then she said the thing that made my heart respond, "Oh...I think You may have brought me here for this..."
"God wants to give you real problems."
Not the kind of problems we so easily get caught up in: what will I eat? wear? how will i pay rent? what will my next facebook status be? who will I marry? can I trust you with the little details of my life?
because the answer to those questions is already a resounding, "I TAKE CARE OF YOU SO WELL!" in Matthew 7.
So now the question is, "Who will ask me for the real problems? The ones that require actual faith? Who will ask me for nations? For whole villages? For whole lineages and cultures to be completely visited and changed by my goodness, my glory?"
And as soon as she said that, I knew why I came here to california. I came here for the kind of heart calibration that begins to surrender so completely to Father that I can't help but ask Him to give me real problems...to give me the kinds of dreams that actually change the world, instead of just sounding like nice words. The dreams I was made for, the ones that I'm discovering in what feels like a detour. The surrender that gives up everything because He is worthy and so beautiful. How could you ever say no when you look into His eyes?
Yes. That's what He is doing if I will just surrender. Recalibrating my heart. Realigning it with Him. How He thinks. How he sees. What he hears. How he moves. Breaking my heart in the best possible way. Removing the hindrances to love as I just let Him love away all the things that hold me back from pure, unconditional love. He moves in suddenlies, unaffected by our sense of timing, so when He says it's time to just hang out with him all the time in the secret place until He says differently, I want to say yes. Because maybe it's in that rest that the dreams come, where faith like a mustard seed begins to move actual mountains and watches them fall into the sea.
I want that kind of faith. I was made for a God sized story. You were made for a God sized story. Our hearts won't be satisfied until we are living within the largeness of all that He is and all that He is making available to us on this journey.
"You said there would be joy in the laying down
You said there would be joy in the letting go
You said there would be joy in the giving up my life, and now I see
Your river it rushes to the lowest place, Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place -- Your river it rushes
Come and rush over me, Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me, Let the river flow
I bow down - I get low
I open up my heart to receive your love..."
-Laura Hackett
On the way to pick my sister Siobhan up from the airport on Thursday, I made a quick stop at the library. In typical me style, I ended up a bit turned around. After a series of wrong turns, I found one of the loveliest creeks, nestled away on a street I would have never noticed if not for my increased awareness of my surroundings as a result of being temporarily lost.
Mmm. Increased awareness. As a result of losing a bearing on my surroundings. Opening my senses to something new.
I think that moment taught me a truth I will hold in my heart for all my days. Don't discount the inconvenient; the turns that fail to make much sense in the present.
As I continued the two hour drive to Sacramento, which mainly consists of the occasional rest stop and flat land, I turned on some music and got lost in my thoughts, prayer, whatever you want to call it. Suddenly I found myself asking God, "WHY did I come here? Was it for rest? Because I feel like that is happening for me, and it has been beautiful. But I don't want to rest forever. Was it so you could restore my dreams, the things that felt shaken up in my heart from the craziness of this last year? I don't see how that can take too much time. When do I get on with the journey?"
The answer came last night as I was listening to Erica Greve speak on how each of us were made for a God size story, and until that is the kind of story we are living, our hearts will always feel restless. Then she said something so interesting. She said that God is wanting to recalibrate the hearts of His people right now. And then she said the thing that made my heart respond, "Oh...I think You may have brought me here for this..."
"God wants to give you real problems."
Not the kind of problems we so easily get caught up in: what will I eat? wear? how will i pay rent? what will my next facebook status be? who will I marry? can I trust you with the little details of my life?
because the answer to those questions is already a resounding, "I TAKE CARE OF YOU SO WELL!" in Matthew 7.
So now the question is, "Who will ask me for the real problems? The ones that require actual faith? Who will ask me for nations? For whole villages? For whole lineages and cultures to be completely visited and changed by my goodness, my glory?"
And as soon as she said that, I knew why I came here to california. I came here for the kind of heart calibration that begins to surrender so completely to Father that I can't help but ask Him to give me real problems...to give me the kinds of dreams that actually change the world, instead of just sounding like nice words. The dreams I was made for, the ones that I'm discovering in what feels like a detour. The surrender that gives up everything because He is worthy and so beautiful. How could you ever say no when you look into His eyes?
Yes. That's what He is doing if I will just surrender. Recalibrating my heart. Realigning it with Him. How He thinks. How he sees. What he hears. How he moves. Breaking my heart in the best possible way. Removing the hindrances to love as I just let Him love away all the things that hold me back from pure, unconditional love. He moves in suddenlies, unaffected by our sense of timing, so when He says it's time to just hang out with him all the time in the secret place until He says differently, I want to say yes. Because maybe it's in that rest that the dreams come, where faith like a mustard seed begins to move actual mountains and watches them fall into the sea.
I want that kind of faith. I was made for a God sized story. You were made for a God sized story. Our hearts won't be satisfied until we are living within the largeness of all that He is and all that He is making available to us on this journey.
"You said there would be joy in the laying down
You said there would be joy in the letting go
You said there would be joy in the giving up my life, and now I see
Your river it rushes to the lowest place, Your river it rushes to the lowest place
Your river it rushes to the lowest place -- Your river it rushes
Come and rush over me, Come and rush over me
Come and rush over me, Let the river flow
I bow down - I get low
I open up my heart to receive your love..."
-Laura Hackett
Friday, November 16, 2012
Rarely a day goes by that I don't have a thought of thanks for someone I've never met, yet who changed the course of my life.
When my mom was in college, living the life of a self-described 70s era hippie who grew up in a proper Irish Catholic home in Long Island, God started chasing her down. This is one story I never get tired of hearing. Each time it's told, the meaning it holds for my own life washes over me with a sense of total awe at the grace and mercy in the heart of Jesus. Don't ever doubt that God answers your prayers and that the way you shine for Jesus, even without using words, matters.
My mom transferred to a few colleges in her undergrad days (I must get my wandering, free spirit from her because I've just about matched her in the amount of schools I've attended), and I can totally see how each move was like a divine strategy set up from God for her life. When she ended up at Colorado State, where she would only spend one semester, she noticed a girl who read a book every morning in the cafeteria. This girl "glowed", and my mom was convinced that she was either always high on pot or doing some other drug that lifted her mood. One day my mom decided to ask her about why she always studied so hard in the morning, only to realize that the book the girl was reading was the Bible. In my mom's world, the only reason you'd read the Bible would be for a theology class or in seminary. As they got to talking, my mom learned that the girl was a Christian, and the glow on her face was from real, authentic joy. My mom went to church with the girl, and as a result she was radically saved. (And radically is a very fitting adjective for this story).
Recently a friend of mine who heard this story made a comment about how, because of that girl who was willing to shine with the glory of God on her campus (regardless of what may have been going on in her own life at the time), not only was my mom's world changed, but mine as well. Not only does my mom love Jesus, but I love Jesus. And my kids are going to know Jesus and love him too, as they give their lives for the only one worthy of having all of us. Woah.
That one girl affected an entire lineage. Her life invaded lies and darkness, and that invasion changed not just one destiny, but a genealogy. Sometimes when I think of the enormous weight of the need in our world, my heart finds joy in the truth that it is about seeing "the one". One person getting wrecked by the love of Jesus has the power to change an entire culture. A changed heart has significant cultural consequences. It changes what the person thinks about himself, who he'll be attracted to romantically, who he'll marry, the kids he will raise, what those kids will believe about themselves, the dreams they will have, the things they will believe are possible, the compass that will guide their lives. Come on! One girl decided to love Jesus really well, and as a natural overflow, she decided to also love others well, with courage, and now my life is completely different from how it could have ended up. I thank God frequently for her courage, that she would sit in a cafeteria at a public university and read her Bible. That she would choose to smile every day, glowing with the love of Jesus, even though I'm sure she faced some hard days. That she would be willing to invite my mom to church, to love my mom into the Kingdom.
When I hear that story, I feel such a sense of gratitude, and even a sense of being so indebted to that girl's faith and obedience. I don't even know her name, but she is one of the first people I want to meet in heaven.
When you begin to think your life isn't making an impact, just remember that your smile and the glow of Jesus' presence on your life is going to change people's lives. It's going to shift their personal atmospheres, whether they are ready for it or not.
May God give us all the grace and courage to love with our whole hearts, seeing with Jesus' eyes.
When my mom was in college, living the life of a self-described 70s era hippie who grew up in a proper Irish Catholic home in Long Island, God started chasing her down. This is one story I never get tired of hearing. Each time it's told, the meaning it holds for my own life washes over me with a sense of total awe at the grace and mercy in the heart of Jesus. Don't ever doubt that God answers your prayers and that the way you shine for Jesus, even without using words, matters.
My mom transferred to a few colleges in her undergrad days (I must get my wandering, free spirit from her because I've just about matched her in the amount of schools I've attended), and I can totally see how each move was like a divine strategy set up from God for her life. When she ended up at Colorado State, where she would only spend one semester, she noticed a girl who read a book every morning in the cafeteria. This girl "glowed", and my mom was convinced that she was either always high on pot or doing some other drug that lifted her mood. One day my mom decided to ask her about why she always studied so hard in the morning, only to realize that the book the girl was reading was the Bible. In my mom's world, the only reason you'd read the Bible would be for a theology class or in seminary. As they got to talking, my mom learned that the girl was a Christian, and the glow on her face was from real, authentic joy. My mom went to church with the girl, and as a result she was radically saved. (And radically is a very fitting adjective for this story).
Recently a friend of mine who heard this story made a comment about how, because of that girl who was willing to shine with the glory of God on her campus (regardless of what may have been going on in her own life at the time), not only was my mom's world changed, but mine as well. Not only does my mom love Jesus, but I love Jesus. And my kids are going to know Jesus and love him too, as they give their lives for the only one worthy of having all of us. Woah.
That one girl affected an entire lineage. Her life invaded lies and darkness, and that invasion changed not just one destiny, but a genealogy. Sometimes when I think of the enormous weight of the need in our world, my heart finds joy in the truth that it is about seeing "the one". One person getting wrecked by the love of Jesus has the power to change an entire culture. A changed heart has significant cultural consequences. It changes what the person thinks about himself, who he'll be attracted to romantically, who he'll marry, the kids he will raise, what those kids will believe about themselves, the dreams they will have, the things they will believe are possible, the compass that will guide their lives. Come on! One girl decided to love Jesus really well, and as a natural overflow, she decided to also love others well, with courage, and now my life is completely different from how it could have ended up. I thank God frequently for her courage, that she would sit in a cafeteria at a public university and read her Bible. That she would choose to smile every day, glowing with the love of Jesus, even though I'm sure she faced some hard days. That she would be willing to invite my mom to church, to love my mom into the Kingdom.
When I hear that story, I feel such a sense of gratitude, and even a sense of being so indebted to that girl's faith and obedience. I don't even know her name, but she is one of the first people I want to meet in heaven.
When you begin to think your life isn't making an impact, just remember that your smile and the glow of Jesus' presence on your life is going to change people's lives. It's going to shift their personal atmospheres, whether they are ready for it or not.
May God give us all the grace and courage to love with our whole hearts, seeing with Jesus' eyes.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
It's that season of life...the one where your friends are married, if not already having children, and the ones who aren't are working hard to make sure their time comes soon. It's weird actually living in this stage of the journey, especially thinking back to all the playtimes of make believe that my siblings and I enjoyed as kids, where such parts of life already existed in our imaginations.
To be honest, there is something scary to me about the kind of love that is shared between lovers, which may come from the fact that I never saw romantic love modeled well growing up. Yet, the undying idealistic part of my heart knows deep down that all the fear must mean giving someone else your forever is even more incredible than the best love song ever written. If there is such a fight over the covenant of marriage in our culture, and if that is one of the main areas where trust gets both tested and broken, it must mean that when marriage is lived out as intended, it is one of the most amazing, life giving relationships we experience here on earth.
Today a woman came into my work and started talking about things going on in her life. Coffee shops and bars must do that to people, magically stripping away barriers. She is going through a divorce. The reason is painful, a place of deep betrayal. If I wasn't at work, I probably would have found a comfy seat to sit down and cry with her because I know how real that pain feels from watching my mom and dad cry tears of deep brokenness in the face of bad decisions. As she spoke, I felt old, familiar fears that I've been asking God to make me face rise up in my heart. Fears over the fact that real love doesn't control another, and in the refusing to manipulate, it releases them to make their own choices. And questions over whether or not I can be totally secure in the Father's love, to the point that the human tendency to want to control in order to protect is not allowed to tamper with my deepest of relationships. Which is a beautiful way to live. But so risky. As I went home, my heart started asking questions to the Father.
Which is when He reminded me of the friends I have who are doing marriage well, where everything is centered around Him. They didn't have perfect models either, but there is something about their hearts intentionally wanting all that God has, where they are constantly surrendered to His way and His heart. Covenant becomes natural and full of life when it is birthed out of surrender and maintained by the heart and grace of the Father.
Usually I find it hard to write out posts like this because even if no one reads my blog, there is still something vulnerable about putting a deep fear into words. But I feel that many in my generation have not witnessed models of covenant that can be emulated, yet there is such hope in the Holy Spirit coming in as the teacher, helping us face the fears that were often born out of trauma. And when He teaches, it is perfect and it brings wholeness that changes and blesses nations. Kingdom, covenant marriages do that. They breathe life into places and people in one of the most mysterious of ways. So as I face the reality of our culture and the mistrust that surrounds relationships, I choose to believe that God's way is so attainable, and that it is seriously better than anything I could ever dream.
To be honest, there is something scary to me about the kind of love that is shared between lovers, which may come from the fact that I never saw romantic love modeled well growing up. Yet, the undying idealistic part of my heart knows deep down that all the fear must mean giving someone else your forever is even more incredible than the best love song ever written. If there is such a fight over the covenant of marriage in our culture, and if that is one of the main areas where trust gets both tested and broken, it must mean that when marriage is lived out as intended, it is one of the most amazing, life giving relationships we experience here on earth.
Today a woman came into my work and started talking about things going on in her life. Coffee shops and bars must do that to people, magically stripping away barriers. She is going through a divorce. The reason is painful, a place of deep betrayal. If I wasn't at work, I probably would have found a comfy seat to sit down and cry with her because I know how real that pain feels from watching my mom and dad cry tears of deep brokenness in the face of bad decisions. As she spoke, I felt old, familiar fears that I've been asking God to make me face rise up in my heart. Fears over the fact that real love doesn't control another, and in the refusing to manipulate, it releases them to make their own choices. And questions over whether or not I can be totally secure in the Father's love, to the point that the human tendency to want to control in order to protect is not allowed to tamper with my deepest of relationships. Which is a beautiful way to live. But so risky. As I went home, my heart started asking questions to the Father.
Which is when He reminded me of the friends I have who are doing marriage well, where everything is centered around Him. They didn't have perfect models either, but there is something about their hearts intentionally wanting all that God has, where they are constantly surrendered to His way and His heart. Covenant becomes natural and full of life when it is birthed out of surrender and maintained by the heart and grace of the Father.
Usually I find it hard to write out posts like this because even if no one reads my blog, there is still something vulnerable about putting a deep fear into words. But I feel that many in my generation have not witnessed models of covenant that can be emulated, yet there is such hope in the Holy Spirit coming in as the teacher, helping us face the fears that were often born out of trauma. And when He teaches, it is perfect and it brings wholeness that changes and blesses nations. Kingdom, covenant marriages do that. They breathe life into places and people in one of the most mysterious of ways. So as I face the reality of our culture and the mistrust that surrounds relationships, I choose to believe that God's way is so attainable, and that it is seriously better than anything I could ever dream.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Today's been an off day. An off day is defined, by me, as a day where I spend more hours believing lies than truth.
After work I went to run some errands and started asking God what felt so off. He didn't tell me what was off, just what was true. Maybe sometimes the dismantling of lies is done simply by hearing the truth. For me, this is a season where I feel the need to get aggressive with what is true--intentionally speaking it out and believing it with my whole heart.
He told me to remember the beauty of the Gospel; the price paid so that I could walk in love and be defined by all that is good, pure, lovely. And where I could see others through that same lens. To think that our very life is ransomed by a love so precious, words can't even give it an adequate description! When scripture says that heaven rejoices with just one salvation, I think heaven also rejoices when believers start to actually believe. When they start to see scripture through the eyes of Love and redemption, something changes. And that change is dangerous to the enemy and all of his plans. Which excites me.
After work I went to run some errands and started asking God what felt so off. He didn't tell me what was off, just what was true. Maybe sometimes the dismantling of lies is done simply by hearing the truth. For me, this is a season where I feel the need to get aggressive with what is true--intentionally speaking it out and believing it with my whole heart.
He told me to remember the beauty of the Gospel; the price paid so that I could walk in love and be defined by all that is good, pure, lovely. And where I could see others through that same lens. To think that our very life is ransomed by a love so precious, words can't even give it an adequate description! When scripture says that heaven rejoices with just one salvation, I think heaven also rejoices when believers start to actually believe. When they start to see scripture through the eyes of Love and redemption, something changes. And that change is dangerous to the enemy and all of his plans. Which excites me.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tonight I went to church, and it was the first time in probably a few years that I didn't try to escape early or find excuses to preoccupy myself during the service. That's breakthrough.
During worship, a drum beat carried one of the songs at the beginning, and all I could think about was a story I heard while driving through South Dakota, about the importance of drum beats to Native American cultures. They viewed the beats as something that spoke of the circle of life, that brought them into a place of almost "worship" and focus. They were totally onto something. There is something about how a drum can awaken you and start to realign things just by its sound and rhythm. As the song progressed, it became a prayer, for heaven to come to earth, where all that is right and beautiful in heaven would become evident where we temporarily take up residence.
There was something about the beat and the words of that song that started to stir my heart in a way it hasn't felt in a while. Something I've been praying lately is, "Jesus, can you teach me how to love you again" but I always meant it in comparison with past seasons that I've had with Him that have been really sweet. Tonight I just felt Him say, "Stop trying to make right now a past season. It's going to be a whole new one. A whole new way of falling in love." That did it for me. I just wanted to stay in that church service all night because everything about His presence was so tangible and sweet, and I felt Him dig in deep and start healing places of bitterness and disappointment I've had with "church". It was amazing, miraculous, and so good to actually not want to leave church.
During worship, a drum beat carried one of the songs at the beginning, and all I could think about was a story I heard while driving through South Dakota, about the importance of drum beats to Native American cultures. They viewed the beats as something that spoke of the circle of life, that brought them into a place of almost "worship" and focus. They were totally onto something. There is something about how a drum can awaken you and start to realign things just by its sound and rhythm. As the song progressed, it became a prayer, for heaven to come to earth, where all that is right and beautiful in heaven would become evident where we temporarily take up residence.
There was something about the beat and the words of that song that started to stir my heart in a way it hasn't felt in a while. Something I've been praying lately is, "Jesus, can you teach me how to love you again" but I always meant it in comparison with past seasons that I've had with Him that have been really sweet. Tonight I just felt Him say, "Stop trying to make right now a past season. It's going to be a whole new one. A whole new way of falling in love." That did it for me. I just wanted to stay in that church service all night because everything about His presence was so tangible and sweet, and I felt Him dig in deep and start healing places of bitterness and disappointment I've had with "church". It was amazing, miraculous, and so good to actually not want to leave church.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Fingerprints are a fascinating subject.
Earlier this week I went to the Sacramento Zoo to fill a few hours of time. Everything about that zoo made me feel like I was back in Africa, except this time in the legit jungle. It was a good for the heart adventure. When I got to the section with the Zebras, a sign explained that their stripes are actually just as unique as a human's fingerprint. No two are alike. Anywhere. At any time.
It got me thinking of each person's life. The little details, like the doors we open every day, the hands we shake, the dishes we wash. Those fingerprints are yours alone, to leave a mark on the world around you that is completely unique to who you are as a person. Literally and scientifically, no one else in the world will ever be able to leave the exact same mark.
Not sure where that thought will go, but at the moment, I just find it to be a huge tragedy and injustice that most of us go through life without ever discovering the unique gift to the world that's found in the fingerprint we carry.
I used to view Psalm 23 as the scripture passage read at funerals. Over this past year though, the words started taking on a whole new meaning. It's amazing how one day something that you've read/heard your whole life suddenly comes alive, like the words are screaming out, wanting to explode in your heart.
"You prepare a table before me," has become the visual picture of the Father that's captivated my imagination the past few months. I am constantly seeing this scene of Him setting a table where all are welcome, all are wanted, all are His favorite. That may seem cliche, but when it becomes YOUR picture, it becomes a reality that changes your life. For me, it is a reality of protection, provision, total acceptance. It is this safe place that is constantly available to me, where I can fellowship with Him regardless of what's going on around me. His love doesn't alter. That's the revelation of the Father that I want to have consume me.
In Sonnet 116, Shakespeare seems to have found words for love that I think can be applied to the picture of God that is becoming alive to my heart:
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
An ever fixed marked. Never shaken. That is His love for us. For humanity.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
At the moment, I'm sitting in the apartment, listening to Graham Cooke speak on identity via a free podcast. It's so good.
It's about 6:30 pm here, and kids are out playing before heading in for bed. Their noise is distracting in the best possible way. They are so happy. It sounds like they may be playing tag.
Earlier today I was reading a book assigned in a class I am taking at church. The book is about modern day slavery, and as much as I want to believe that the true stories in the book can't be unbelievably grotesque, I am solidly wrong in that wish. Each story breaks your heart. And our hearts need a good breaking every once in a while--
I recently read a quote by Mother Teresa,
When our hearts go through a breaking, God is right there, ready to fill them with more of Him, which includes His immense, unlimited love. If we let Him, He comes and brings wholeness that we can't even imagine. A shalom that heals the world, shedding His hope, His vision, His character everywhere He sends us.
It's about 6:30 pm here, and kids are out playing before heading in for bed. Their noise is distracting in the best possible way. They are so happy. It sounds like they may be playing tag.
Earlier today I was reading a book assigned in a class I am taking at church. The book is about modern day slavery, and as much as I want to believe that the true stories in the book can't be unbelievably grotesque, I am solidly wrong in that wish. Each story breaks your heart. And our hearts need a good breaking every once in a while--
I recently read a quote by Mother Teresa,
“May God break my heart so completely that the whole world falls in.”
When our hearts go through a breaking, God is right there, ready to fill them with more of Him, which includes His immense, unlimited love. If we let Him, He comes and brings wholeness that we can't even imagine. A shalom that heals the world, shedding His hope, His vision, His character everywhere He sends us.
As I read through the stories, I am thankful for the children's laughter outside. There is hope. What a beautiful thing to protect, childhood. Innocence. And even if innocence is stolen through tragedy, what an amazing God who loves us, that He knows exactly how to restore what was lost.
Time to sign off, but Graham Cooke just said this,
"You have to run with God. The best way to run with God is to just be delighted. you've all been in that place of shame, pain, condemnation. There's only one way to travel fast in the kingdom, and it's with delight. Get a real sense of joy in your heart. God is FOR ME. He's on my side. Nothing can separate me from Him love. The way we travel in the kingdom is we travel happily. With joy, delight."
Bam. Let's wake up to His glory and majesty. That changes the course of history, changes atmospheres.
"it's not just about changing your story, it's about changing the way you journey with God. You should journey with the fruits of the Spirit. With desire, passion, delight."
"when you come into a place of favor with God, you also come into a place of revenge on the enemy. The real revenge is that you get so free in Jesus, that you end up getting lots of other people free from the one thing the enemy always made you a victim of..."
Time to sign off, but Graham Cooke just said this,
"You have to run with God. The best way to run with God is to just be delighted. you've all been in that place of shame, pain, condemnation. There's only one way to travel fast in the kingdom, and it's with delight. Get a real sense of joy in your heart. God is FOR ME. He's on my side. Nothing can separate me from Him love. The way we travel in the kingdom is we travel happily. With joy, delight."
Bam. Let's wake up to His glory and majesty. That changes the course of history, changes atmospheres.
"it's not just about changing your story, it's about changing the way you journey with God. You should journey with the fruits of the Spirit. With desire, passion, delight."
"when you come into a place of favor with God, you also come into a place of revenge on the enemy. The real revenge is that you get so free in Jesus, that you end up getting lots of other people free from the one thing the enemy always made you a victim of..."
Sunday, October 7, 2012
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." -Jim Elliot
That's one of the most compelling, uncomfortable, freeing things I've ever read, and I carried that quote around in my Bible growing up. It's compelling not because it is particularly pretty, but because Jim Elliot lived those words and eventually gave his life for this truth that marked him. There's something to the words that come out of the mouth of a laid down lover. They are alive and active. Transforming.
I read that quote again the other day...now feeling inspired to break out the stories from childhood of men and women who became my heroes. Jim Elliot, Amy Carmichael, Corrie Ten Boom, David Livingston, John G. Lake, Charles Finney, and of course! Mother Theresa, Heidi Baker (a more recent hero), Joan of Arc and the Moravians.
Actually, especially the moravians...the happy lot whose joy brought John Wesley into a life transforming conversion experience that changed everything for him. I want that kind of joy, that kind of surrender.
So adding to my list of things to be intentional about in this season of life:
reading the stories of these heroes who "wasted their lives" on Jesus, so ruined for any other pursuit because of the revelation they walked in of His incredible, extravagant, generous love.
That's one of the most compelling, uncomfortable, freeing things I've ever read, and I carried that quote around in my Bible growing up. It's compelling not because it is particularly pretty, but because Jim Elliot lived those words and eventually gave his life for this truth that marked him. There's something to the words that come out of the mouth of a laid down lover. They are alive and active. Transforming.
I read that quote again the other day...now feeling inspired to break out the stories from childhood of men and women who became my heroes. Jim Elliot, Amy Carmichael, Corrie Ten Boom, David Livingston, John G. Lake, Charles Finney, and of course! Mother Theresa, Heidi Baker (a more recent hero), Joan of Arc and the Moravians.
Actually, especially the moravians...the happy lot whose joy brought John Wesley into a life transforming conversion experience that changed everything for him. I want that kind of joy, that kind of surrender.
So adding to my list of things to be intentional about in this season of life:
reading the stories of these heroes who "wasted their lives" on Jesus, so ruined for any other pursuit because of the revelation they walked in of His incredible, extravagant, generous love.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
"The most perfect union with God is the actual presence of God. Although this relationship with God is totally spiritual, it is quite dynamic, because the soul is not asleep, but powerfully excited. It is livelier than fire and brighter than the unclouded sun." -Brother Lawrence
My youngest sister celebrated her 21st birthday yesterday, which in our North American culture carries with it monumental aspects. (Well, I guess the big deal is just the fact that you can now order a drink in public. I'm not sure what else happens when you reach that landmark age?) Birthdays in general are a big deal in my family. My mom set a standard when we were kids that the act of celebrating a person's life is of monumental importance. It's taken me quite a while to embrace that attitude and perspective due to the way I tend to prefer minimalist, simplistic ways of living. For the longest time I thought extravagant celebration was excessive and unnecessary, an enemy to the simple. Over the years, as I've come out of the shy shell I lived in as a child, I've grown to not only enjoy people and their individual beauty, but also to see just how amazing it is that we get the chance, on this side of heaven, to celebrate the miracle of each other. If that doesn't deserve extravagance and excess, what does?! And over the past few months, I've come to notice that the more distractions I remove from my life in a pursuit of the simple and foundational, the more I find myself able to engage in celebration and wonder. Oh the beautiful tensions we come to realize on this journey.
A 12 mile bike ride through heart expanding, mind blowing scenery was the first order of business to start the celebration off right. There is something soul restoring and spirit reconnecting about biking through what could pass for an Ansel Adams masterpiece. For the last few months, maybe even year to be completely honest, I've felt an anxiety settle into my thought life that really shouldn't be allowed to stay, but I lost the energy to put up a fight due to a heaviness that started settling into my heart. It interrupted my peace and rest in ways I never saw coming, and moving to California was my most intentional way of saying I wasn't willing to live that way anymore, that I wanted peace back, to trust my Father with every aspect of my life despite uncertainties swirling all around me and my family. Sometimes when I make a dramatic change like that, I expect immediate results...like my world will be turned rightside up and everything will instantly fall into alignment. Despite incredible blessings and total life giving relationship connections since coming out here, there is still this part of my heart that feels fragmented from disappointments of this past season. I think God knows I need to feel those things out in order to surrender them to Him. Needless to say, I've had bouts of anxiety and panic worse here in California than before I left...and it is just now hitting me that it has a lot to do with moving away from a place where my heart felt the need to stay numb, isolated in hopelessness, in order to survive. I came here wanting to feel again, wanting to learn what it means to really worship God with all that I am, heart fully alive, fully trusting, fully His. I feel like God is pulling specific things out of me so that I can walk with Him in a new way in the season to come...so that I can come to a new place of loving well and without reservation. What love the Father has for us, to lead us into places where we have to lean on Him, where He covers us with His shalom in ways that we would have never known if He didn't confront the places of mistrust in our lives.
On the bike ride, without even seeing it coming, I felt the Holy Spirit envelop me with such love. The morning started out with the subconsciously present anxiety of how to navigate the future, accompanied by an overwhelming responsibility I have embraced, where it is up to me to figure it all out and have a plan that keeps me safe. A plan that will make sure I reach a future destination that will be enjoyable and free from care. How ridiculous, even disgusting, the self-dependence of that lifestyle. What slavery, to think that fulfillment comes from going it alone, from reaching a man-made definition of success and security. Yet, as I started peddling, fear started falling off, and I felt my heart developing a rhythm that felt much more natural and right...much more like it should feel when beating with heaven's heart and thoughts.
Which is why reading that portion of Brother Lawrence's lovely account of learning how to practice God's presence really struck me today. This journey is so empty without that perfect union with God, and where I've felt the absence of that union over the past few months, there is something in my heart that never ever wants to trade that for anything ever again.
So for all the disappointments and fears that inevitably try to rob peace, may we be wrecked so fully and deeply by the present and active love of Jesus, to the point that nothing can shake us from His deep, abiding joy.
And cheers to Brianna and her 21st year of life! :) So glad we took that bike ride. ;)
My youngest sister celebrated her 21st birthday yesterday, which in our North American culture carries with it monumental aspects. (Well, I guess the big deal is just the fact that you can now order a drink in public. I'm not sure what else happens when you reach that landmark age?) Birthdays in general are a big deal in my family. My mom set a standard when we were kids that the act of celebrating a person's life is of monumental importance. It's taken me quite a while to embrace that attitude and perspective due to the way I tend to prefer minimalist, simplistic ways of living. For the longest time I thought extravagant celebration was excessive and unnecessary, an enemy to the simple. Over the years, as I've come out of the shy shell I lived in as a child, I've grown to not only enjoy people and their individual beauty, but also to see just how amazing it is that we get the chance, on this side of heaven, to celebrate the miracle of each other. If that doesn't deserve extravagance and excess, what does?! And over the past few months, I've come to notice that the more distractions I remove from my life in a pursuit of the simple and foundational, the more I find myself able to engage in celebration and wonder. Oh the beautiful tensions we come to realize on this journey.
A 12 mile bike ride through heart expanding, mind blowing scenery was the first order of business to start the celebration off right. There is something soul restoring and spirit reconnecting about biking through what could pass for an Ansel Adams masterpiece. For the last few months, maybe even year to be completely honest, I've felt an anxiety settle into my thought life that really shouldn't be allowed to stay, but I lost the energy to put up a fight due to a heaviness that started settling into my heart. It interrupted my peace and rest in ways I never saw coming, and moving to California was my most intentional way of saying I wasn't willing to live that way anymore, that I wanted peace back, to trust my Father with every aspect of my life despite uncertainties swirling all around me and my family. Sometimes when I make a dramatic change like that, I expect immediate results...like my world will be turned rightside up and everything will instantly fall into alignment. Despite incredible blessings and total life giving relationship connections since coming out here, there is still this part of my heart that feels fragmented from disappointments of this past season. I think God knows I need to feel those things out in order to surrender them to Him. Needless to say, I've had bouts of anxiety and panic worse here in California than before I left...and it is just now hitting me that it has a lot to do with moving away from a place where my heart felt the need to stay numb, isolated in hopelessness, in order to survive. I came here wanting to feel again, wanting to learn what it means to really worship God with all that I am, heart fully alive, fully trusting, fully His. I feel like God is pulling specific things out of me so that I can walk with Him in a new way in the season to come...so that I can come to a new place of loving well and without reservation. What love the Father has for us, to lead us into places where we have to lean on Him, where He covers us with His shalom in ways that we would have never known if He didn't confront the places of mistrust in our lives.
On the bike ride, without even seeing it coming, I felt the Holy Spirit envelop me with such love. The morning started out with the subconsciously present anxiety of how to navigate the future, accompanied by an overwhelming responsibility I have embraced, where it is up to me to figure it all out and have a plan that keeps me safe. A plan that will make sure I reach a future destination that will be enjoyable and free from care. How ridiculous, even disgusting, the self-dependence of that lifestyle. What slavery, to think that fulfillment comes from going it alone, from reaching a man-made definition of success and security. Yet, as I started peddling, fear started falling off, and I felt my heart developing a rhythm that felt much more natural and right...much more like it should feel when beating with heaven's heart and thoughts.
Which is why reading that portion of Brother Lawrence's lovely account of learning how to practice God's presence really struck me today. This journey is so empty without that perfect union with God, and where I've felt the absence of that union over the past few months, there is something in my heart that never ever wants to trade that for anything ever again.
So for all the disappointments and fears that inevitably try to rob peace, may we be wrecked so fully and deeply by the present and active love of Jesus, to the point that nothing can shake us from His deep, abiding joy.
And cheers to Brianna and her 21st year of life! :) So glad we took that bike ride. ;)
Monday, October 1, 2012
...California dweller for almost a month now.
The time has been marked by the release of the new Mumford album, the meeting of new people who are becoming friends, adventures in Whiskeytown Lake, a trip to Lake Tahoe, a new church experience and a new Starbucks job.
Transition leaves me at a loss for words, accompanied by brief confusion. Am I to make this place feel like home? For me, the connotation of home is more a place of friendship and warmth than a literal dwelling place. Will the relationships made in this season go deep and last long, or will they be brief, momentary connections to teach lessons that carry into a future time? And whether they are transitional or here to stay, should the way I live and embrace them be any different? These questions are some I've struggled to answer most of my life as a pastor's kid, often watching relationships come and go without any official ending, just the sense that you will never see that person again because life just has a way of moving us along in various directions. However, in the midst of the inevitable transience, I have also come to deeply appreciate and value the friendships that I know in my heart are a knitting together that only God could do.
This morning I woke up with the realization that everyone I have learned to love in my life thus far, sans my sister Brianna and my mom, lives miles and miles away from me. And as natural as I want love to feel when it comes to new people and a new place, I think learning to love in a natural way is a process not to be looked upon lightly. So today I am reflecting and giving thanks to God for the incredible friendships that God has given me, the ones who have taught me so much about being loved and loving. The process and the journey of that kind of learning is something for which I am freshly appreciative. To all my beautiful friends, thank you so much for loving well.
It gets so easy (at least for me) to get lazy in loving people, to take for granted the stories that have enveloped me with others in a way that is almost sacred, where without knowing it I caught beautiful glimpses of the heart of another, but also stepped into a revelation of my own heart and wiring. Today I am just so thankful for friendships which remain present despite distance; for the people in my life for whom I have been given the amazing privilege of knowing in the deep ways that must make God smile so big. You mean more to me than you could possibly know.
And here's to courage for the present part of the journey--the chance to learn how to love new people well and fully, letting them into my heart, regardless of whether their stay is long or short.
The time has been marked by the release of the new Mumford album, the meeting of new people who are becoming friends, adventures in Whiskeytown Lake, a trip to Lake Tahoe, a new church experience and a new Starbucks job.
Transition leaves me at a loss for words, accompanied by brief confusion. Am I to make this place feel like home? For me, the connotation of home is more a place of friendship and warmth than a literal dwelling place. Will the relationships made in this season go deep and last long, or will they be brief, momentary connections to teach lessons that carry into a future time? And whether they are transitional or here to stay, should the way I live and embrace them be any different? These questions are some I've struggled to answer most of my life as a pastor's kid, often watching relationships come and go without any official ending, just the sense that you will never see that person again because life just has a way of moving us along in various directions. However, in the midst of the inevitable transience, I have also come to deeply appreciate and value the friendships that I know in my heart are a knitting together that only God could do.
This morning I woke up with the realization that everyone I have learned to love in my life thus far, sans my sister Brianna and my mom, lives miles and miles away from me. And as natural as I want love to feel when it comes to new people and a new place, I think learning to love in a natural way is a process not to be looked upon lightly. So today I am reflecting and giving thanks to God for the incredible friendships that God has given me, the ones who have taught me so much about being loved and loving. The process and the journey of that kind of learning is something for which I am freshly appreciative. To all my beautiful friends, thank you so much for loving well.
It gets so easy (at least for me) to get lazy in loving people, to take for granted the stories that have enveloped me with others in a way that is almost sacred, where without knowing it I caught beautiful glimpses of the heart of another, but also stepped into a revelation of my own heart and wiring. Today I am just so thankful for friendships which remain present despite distance; for the people in my life for whom I have been given the amazing privilege of knowing in the deep ways that must make God smile so big. You mean more to me than you could possibly know.
And here's to courage for the present part of the journey--the chance to learn how to love new people well and fully, letting them into my heart, regardless of whether their stay is long or short.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
California
(written a week ago. We are entering day 12)
It is the start of Day #6 in this new California apartment. Mom and I made out like Thelma and Louise (sans the drama) from Maryland, stopped to visit dear friends in Chicago, and followed 90 West all the way to Washington, where we stopped for a week to spend time with people who are incredibly special to our hearts (shout out to Heather, Stephanie, my cousins!). Then, we hopped on 5 South, drove through Oregon, and...
here we are. California.
What did we just do?! There isn’t even a gold rush or small town gun fights anymore, and here we are, convinced that this is where we need to be right now. (John Wayne, where are you?!) The best solution we came up with to ease the adjustment phase was to shop for new, cheap house supplies and sign up for a YMCA membership. That way, if we don’t make friends we will just workout and cook all the time! Starting over emotions are still in need of processing. To cut down on electric bills, we are keeping the lights off and the air down. That should work out just fine, right? And to convince ourselves that we are made of the same stock as those old-time pioneers, we even made sure that our beds arrived late, proving to ourselves that sleeping on hard floor is seriously no big deal. (One bed came yesterday, thank Jesus. My back is going to need a serious adjustment...so yeah, I am not as hardcore as those West Coast trailblazers of long ago).
Maybe hearts find satisfaction and fulfillment in adventures we didn’t know we needed. Just like the body will start to crave something that it is deficient in, maybe the heart is similar. It craves something, but you don’t know what that thing is until you are right in the thick of the experience. As we were driving through the Badlands of South Dakota, I started to feel that way. Then, when our car broke down in the Badlands, I knew the story was developing quite nicely, in an unforgettable sort of way. Somehow we made it to Wall, South Dakota, a few miles outside of the National Park, where we were forced to breath and take in the “we’re not in Maryland anymore!” reality as the most honest mechanic I’ve ever met started working on our van. People were kind there, in a slowed-down, not in a rush, everything is good kind of way. Locals would stop by the shop to say hi to the mechanic, then offer their input on what was going on with the broken down cars. It was beautiful. We were stuck there with a couple from Connecticut who take roadtrips across the States, often catching good music festivals. Their RV lost its brakes in the park. They gave us some homemade seltzer water and broke out their banjos, turning a potentially stressful delay into a memorable occasion.
After that short stop, we made our way to Mount Rushmore, which is located in the gorgeous Black Hills. We arrived just before the start of sunset, which created a beautiful backdrop behind the faces of the four Presidents. Then, it was off to Montana, the part of the trip I was most looking forward to. That state is an experience in itself, with a population of less than a million. I wish we could have spent a few days there, but I will just have to go back one day. Especially since I didn’t meet any rich rancher bachelors. (haha :)
The last stretch took us through beautiful Oregon, down into the north of California, where we were met by beautiful mountains and a perfectly clear sky.
Now, we are learning to navigate a new city and make new friends. Several blog posts could probably fall under both of those categories.
For now, I’ll sign off and try to do some notebook journaling, where sometimes my thoughts flow much more freely.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
The first semester of organic chemistry is officially over!
Now, it's time to pack and come to grips with the fact that I will only be in Maryland for eight more days.
After my final exam tonight, I took a drive through DC, into Arlington. I'm going to miss our capitol. It's seriously one of the most beautiful places in the world. Today, as I was driving across one of the bridges, a lightning storm was outlining the city. It was incredible.
Prepare yourself: another proton analogy is on its way...
There are these crazy ways that chemists can figure out the structure of a molecule. One of these mechanisms is called H NMR, where hydrogens in a molecule show up on a graph as peaks. Each peak represents hydrogens that are dwelling in different chemical environments. Sometimes multiple hydrogens will all share one peak, as long as they are the same environmentally. So here I am, on my way home from lecture, realizing I again feel like a little proton, in need of a major chemical environment shift.
So here comes that shift, whether I'm ready or not. ( And to all you counselors out there, no, I do not think that moving is equal to fixing things. I also don't believe staying stuck and trying to fight through craziness the rest of my life is worth my time or my dreams.) I've already plotted out the route we'll take, heading straight to Seattle for my cousin's wedding. Montana is on that list!
Tomorrow I will hit the hiking trails that surround Harper's Ferry, then it's to Virginia Beach this weekend to see some friends before the long distance "see you later!" departure statement has to be said.
I am excited and so scared.
I'm so ready to learn love.
Now, it's time to pack and come to grips with the fact that I will only be in Maryland for eight more days.
After my final exam tonight, I took a drive through DC, into Arlington. I'm going to miss our capitol. It's seriously one of the most beautiful places in the world. Today, as I was driving across one of the bridges, a lightning storm was outlining the city. It was incredible.
Prepare yourself: another proton analogy is on its way...
There are these crazy ways that chemists can figure out the structure of a molecule. One of these mechanisms is called H NMR, where hydrogens in a molecule show up on a graph as peaks. Each peak represents hydrogens that are dwelling in different chemical environments. Sometimes multiple hydrogens will all share one peak, as long as they are the same environmentally. So here I am, on my way home from lecture, realizing I again feel like a little proton, in need of a major chemical environment shift.
So here comes that shift, whether I'm ready or not. ( And to all you counselors out there, no, I do not think that moving is equal to fixing things. I also don't believe staying stuck and trying to fight through craziness the rest of my life is worth my time or my dreams.) I've already plotted out the route we'll take, heading straight to Seattle for my cousin's wedding. Montana is on that list!
Tomorrow I will hit the hiking trails that surround Harper's Ferry, then it's to Virginia Beach this weekend to see some friends before the long distance "see you later!" departure statement has to be said.
I am excited and so scared.
I'm so ready to learn love.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
"Outside of You, I'm Lost"
It's almost August and a lot in my life is about to change. In organic chemistry we learned about these little titratable protons that are easily removed from a molecule to form something new. They kind of remind me of a loose tooth just holding on until it encounters an apple. Life on the edge of a cliff, ready to free fall (with a parachute of course!). Every time we've gone over reactions in the last few weeks, I've had to push away the urge to get lost in writer's mode, creating essays and poems on why I feel just like that titratable proton--right on the verge of being removed by strong force to enter a new world. I may be failing a class for the first time in my life, which is incredibly humbling, but at least I'm getting some nice life analogies out of it. Too bad most people don't want to compare life to molecules.
Twenty five is turning out to be a strange age on my life timeline. It's been hard, but not altogether terrible. The bad has catalyzed many reactions that are forcing me to make some changes. My mom isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore, and I'm pretty sure it's not going back on her finger. That's a really strange thing to deal with when you are half way through your twenties and living back at home. So much for coming home after college to get grounded and stabilized.
In a month, my mom will be driving a U-haul across the country to California, and since I don't have a better plan in the works, I've decided that I might as well jump in and go along for the ride. East Coast to West Coast. Over the course of the past few months, I've considered the possibility of living in almost every state (except the middle ones--I'm sorry guys!), teaching overseas with my newly gained TEFL certification, finding a rich husband. For all the plans I've gone through in my mind, none of them seem incredibly sound (except the rich husband?), and my motive for developing them reflects a heart that keeps running away instead of letting God come in and heal what's broken and missing.
But if I keep running, I'm going to have a breakdown, which is something I've had to finally own up to. Even marathoners can't run nonstop (and I am definitely not anywhere close to the stamina level of a marathoner). Today I drove a bit through the backroads of Maryland. The east coast is gorgeous. I am forever astounded by the GW parkway, the drive up to New England, the drive through the hills of West Virginia, the historical wealth of DC. But I still couldn't shake the feeling of how desperately I need a change, not because I'm bored, but because I feel like the life flow of my heart is at stake. And when the heart disengages, it's game over. In just a few months, my Maryland license expires. I'm not going to renew it. I'm not sure where I'll take up residency, but there is something both freeing and scary about the finality of that decision.
The only thing that I know for sure is that I'm in search of my center. I'm in search of what wholeness looks like--the shalom that God gives. Nothing missing, nothing broken. That's a concept that has always deeply touched my heart, but I want it to be more than a concept now. I want it to invade my life. The perfect peace of God that restores wonder, awe, faith, a belief in goodness. I've decided to lay down my plan making and calculated moves for a while, and just learn to live from my heart again. I'm not sure what that looks like. Maybe for me, it looks like roadtrips up and down route 1, visits to see a heart friend in Seattle, learning how to surf, kayaking, hiking, writing, playing the piano, becoming fluent in Spanish, sending hand written letters to all my dear friends who I thank God for all the time, taking that random trip to Montana. Who knows. But I want to feel real joy and God hope again, and I'm willing to leave the comfort of all that is familiar if that's what it's going to take to make space for that to happen.
Since nobody really reads my blog, this is more just my own way of saying, "Shew. I finally found some words to express all that."
Cheers to better blogs to come.
Twenty five is turning out to be a strange age on my life timeline. It's been hard, but not altogether terrible. The bad has catalyzed many reactions that are forcing me to make some changes. My mom isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore, and I'm pretty sure it's not going back on her finger. That's a really strange thing to deal with when you are half way through your twenties and living back at home. So much for coming home after college to get grounded and stabilized.
In a month, my mom will be driving a U-haul across the country to California, and since I don't have a better plan in the works, I've decided that I might as well jump in and go along for the ride. East Coast to West Coast. Over the course of the past few months, I've considered the possibility of living in almost every state (except the middle ones--I'm sorry guys!), teaching overseas with my newly gained TEFL certification, finding a rich husband. For all the plans I've gone through in my mind, none of them seem incredibly sound (except the rich husband?), and my motive for developing them reflects a heart that keeps running away instead of letting God come in and heal what's broken and missing.
But if I keep running, I'm going to have a breakdown, which is something I've had to finally own up to. Even marathoners can't run nonstop (and I am definitely not anywhere close to the stamina level of a marathoner). Today I drove a bit through the backroads of Maryland. The east coast is gorgeous. I am forever astounded by the GW parkway, the drive up to New England, the drive through the hills of West Virginia, the historical wealth of DC. But I still couldn't shake the feeling of how desperately I need a change, not because I'm bored, but because I feel like the life flow of my heart is at stake. And when the heart disengages, it's game over. In just a few months, my Maryland license expires. I'm not going to renew it. I'm not sure where I'll take up residency, but there is something both freeing and scary about the finality of that decision.
The only thing that I know for sure is that I'm in search of my center. I'm in search of what wholeness looks like--the shalom that God gives. Nothing missing, nothing broken. That's a concept that has always deeply touched my heart, but I want it to be more than a concept now. I want it to invade my life. The perfect peace of God that restores wonder, awe, faith, a belief in goodness. I've decided to lay down my plan making and calculated moves for a while, and just learn to live from my heart again. I'm not sure what that looks like. Maybe for me, it looks like roadtrips up and down route 1, visits to see a heart friend in Seattle, learning how to surf, kayaking, hiking, writing, playing the piano, becoming fluent in Spanish, sending hand written letters to all my dear friends who I thank God for all the time, taking that random trip to Montana. Who knows. But I want to feel real joy and God hope again, and I'm willing to leave the comfort of all that is familiar if that's what it's going to take to make space for that to happen.
Since nobody really reads my blog, this is more just my own way of saying, "Shew. I finally found some words to express all that."
Cheers to better blogs to come.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Besides listening to the revolutionary Steve Backlund in church this morning and hanging out with my cousin for a few hours, my day has been spent in the crazy world of Organic Chemistry, trying hard to get E2, SN2, E1, SN1 reactions down.
While studying at the dining room table, someone turned on the news and my heart turned heavy as the names of the victims in the Aurora shooting were named at the Memorial Service. The stories of bravery and courage brought legit tears to my eyes, and I had to leave my books for a few minutes to let myself feel some of the emotions circulating through the hearts of all those in attendance at that sobering memorial.
It struck me so deep, the comment made about how one act of darkness caused tons of light to explode all over the place. What a picture of Life. What a picture of the way excessive hope is almost held on reserve for moments like this, where history gets marked with a tragedy that couldn't win in taking away the joy or kindness of the living.
Today marks the anniversary of a friend who lost his life in a helicopter accident on his way home from a charity event three years ago. Even though time has put distance between the event and present life, the tragedy still feels close. Yet, I look at the lives of his widow and two incredible kids, and I see so many remarkable characteristics in them--choices they are making that are honoring him, walking out his legacy. I see them choosing to overcome loss and turn it into something worthwhile. They are so courageous.
Events like these make me glad I'm not in a position where I'm called upon to give words of consolation, because I would not know what to say in the midst of so many unanswered questions and mixed feelings of sorrow and relief. I would only want to cry with those grieving, even in the midst of feeling joyous that many made it out okay.
Things like this bring humanity to an interesting halt, where we stop and evaluate what's important, finding ourselves valuing one another and the small things with a rare intensity. There are a lot of big decisions my family is in the midst of making at the moment, but they all seem to come into proper perspective when hit with the shortness of life. Making the perfect decision doesn't seem as important as living with a heart that is fully alive and committed, regretting nothing because life is too short for the exhausting "why?"s and "what if?"s.
Friday, July 6, 2012
I want to be a home for the forgotten.
It's an injustice that some people live their whole lives without ever knowing they are remarkable. Without ever seeing value in themselves.
That's not okay, and it makes me upset. It makes me want to change how people see. change how I see.
What kind of permanent revolution could occur just by simply putting on new glasses?
It's an injustice that some people live their whole lives without ever knowing they are remarkable. Without ever seeing value in themselves.
That's not okay, and it makes me upset. It makes me want to change how people see. change how I see.
What kind of permanent revolution could occur just by simply putting on new glasses?
My parents left town today to head up to New York for a cousin's wedding, and I was given the important duty of making sure "the plants aren't dead when I return" from my mom.
So after work today I unraveled the hose and made sure the flowers were saturated with the beautiful H2O. It's incredible to watch good soil soak up water, knowing that at that very moment nourishment is reaching deep into the roots, sustaining a living, stunning part of life.
Sometimes I grapple too much with all the ins-and-outs of living, thinking myself deeply into the miserable land of insomnia and anxiety. But doing simple tasks like watering plants helps still my heart, and silence, at least for a second, the hundreds of questions firing away in my head. Maybe I need to make gardening an official hobby of mine. It may do my heart good.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.”
― E.E. Cummings
My little brother graduated a few days ago, and I am incredibly proud of him. Extended family drove long distances to celebrate him, and it made me realize that if there is one thing that Irish Catholic's are good at, it's celebrating. That is a part of my heritage that took me a while to get comfortable with, but it's something for which I am very thankful. Learning how to actively honor another's achievements is a beautiful thing.
As I was writing my brother's graduation card, I realized something amazing about that heart of his: he sees really clearly and he feels deeply, even if he wouldn't admit to it. That is rare and beautiful. A few months ago we were having a discussion about Terrance Malick's film Tree of Life, and Killian brought up the film's central discussion about the way of grace being so different from the way of nature. Often he will make a statement, when faced with the formation of an opinion or the need to make a pressing decision, that he is going to choose the way of grace. I'm sure he will be exploring the depth of what that means for the rest of his life. If I had to pick just one character trait of his to celebrate, I think it would be his honest and active search for the true and the real. It takes courage to ask hard questions, and it takes patience to develop eyes that really see. I can learn a lot from that brother of mine, and I look forward to the many insightful discussions and adventures that are ahead.
― E.E. Cummings
My little brother graduated a few days ago, and I am incredibly proud of him. Extended family drove long distances to celebrate him, and it made me realize that if there is one thing that Irish Catholic's are good at, it's celebrating. That is a part of my heritage that took me a while to get comfortable with, but it's something for which I am very thankful. Learning how to actively honor another's achievements is a beautiful thing.
As I was writing my brother's graduation card, I realized something amazing about that heart of his: he sees really clearly and he feels deeply, even if he wouldn't admit to it. That is rare and beautiful. A few months ago we were having a discussion about Terrance Malick's film Tree of Life, and Killian brought up the film's central discussion about the way of grace being so different from the way of nature. Often he will make a statement, when faced with the formation of an opinion or the need to make a pressing decision, that he is going to choose the way of grace. I'm sure he will be exploring the depth of what that means for the rest of his life. If I had to pick just one character trait of his to celebrate, I think it would be his honest and active search for the true and the real. It takes courage to ask hard questions, and it takes patience to develop eyes that really see. I can learn a lot from that brother of mine, and I look forward to the many insightful discussions and adventures that are ahead.
Monday, June 11, 2012
My body met 4:30 am with several thoughts, the first of which was a calculation of how many hours I'd slept, the second an affirmation to myself that I did indeed sleep enough to get through the day as a functional person, followed by the decision that waking up would be acceptably safe for the rest of the human population who will encounter me today.
As soon as the third thought, "Well, I could just sleep another hour" emerged, several simultaneous hungers hit me, the most strong being a craving for an adventure. Being the great sister that I am, I made sure to wake my siblings up. Mostly it was selfish because I didn't want to experience something fun alone (which is an alarming indication that my introverted self may not be too introverted anymore), but I also didn't want them missing out on something memorable just because they wanted some extra dreams...Sunrise watching time! As a family, we took a roadtrip to visit my dad's mom in Florida, who I haven't seen in over four years. Today is the day we drive to see her from the place we are staying while in Florida. Thus, the early morning wake up and the attentiveness of my heart to its need for a satisfying adventure may be largely due to the Christmas morning excitement in seeing my grandma, a visit I especially cherish with the recent loss of my mom's mom.
As I prepared to watch the sunrise (which is just now rising at 5:50 am, so I definitely beat it), I went into the little kitchen in our home away from home and made some breakfast by the incredibly romantic refrigerator light. (Otherwise, I would have had to light up the whole place and no one wants my mom to wake up before she's ready. ) Coffee, eggs and toast. Quite the culinary artist here.
Now I am sitting on our back porch, watching beautiful colors paint the sky, trying hard to resist the urge to go sit on the lifeguard chair that's supposedly only reserved for lifeguards, while yelling (softly) at my sister for taking sleepy pictures of everyone else with the threat that she will put them on every social media site in which she participates.
Oh the joys of family.
In the midst of all the morning action, I was thinking a bit on some of the harder things in life that have met my family this year. I imagined someone coming up to me with the claim that they found a way to totally pass around all the hard things in life, arriving at death battle free. All I could see was this big straight line that formed a rectangle, surrounding the mountains and valleys but avoiding them completely. Ahh yes, battle free. And also a complete waste of life. A billions quotes from far more bright and philosophical people could probably support that feeling in a much more eloquent way, but I just know that when I think about the difficult things, I remember how each time beauty found a way of chasing down and overtaking the ugly. And without fail, the beautiful always overshadowed what seemed, for a time and in human eyes, disfigured. Sometimes I struggle with questioning some of the desires that are in my heart, wondering if they are just me running away from dysfunction or trying to escape reality, but this morning I felt God whisper to my heart His reality, "Caitlin, your heart holds eternity inside of it, and eternity is full of whispers that you can hear...whispers that are full of promise. You don't have to be afraid that your desires or dreams are somehow a result of something broken inside of you, trying to get fixed or trying to run away from what's hard. You should know yourself well enough by now to know that you haven't made a habit of fleeing what's difficult. You are running into beauty, and your heart is learning how to connect with my heart and dream the way I do. There is nothing dysfunctional or wrong about that."
I felt an invitation from Jesus to enter into a new phase of freedom. There is no way I'm saying no to that.
Time to pack up and head to grandma's house! Can't wait to give that beautiful woman a huge hug.
As soon as the third thought, "Well, I could just sleep another hour" emerged, several simultaneous hungers hit me, the most strong being a craving for an adventure. Being the great sister that I am, I made sure to wake my siblings up. Mostly it was selfish because I didn't want to experience something fun alone (which is an alarming indication that my introverted self may not be too introverted anymore), but I also didn't want them missing out on something memorable just because they wanted some extra dreams...Sunrise watching time! As a family, we took a roadtrip to visit my dad's mom in Florida, who I haven't seen in over four years. Today is the day we drive to see her from the place we are staying while in Florida. Thus, the early morning wake up and the attentiveness of my heart to its need for a satisfying adventure may be largely due to the Christmas morning excitement in seeing my grandma, a visit I especially cherish with the recent loss of my mom's mom.
As I prepared to watch the sunrise (which is just now rising at 5:50 am, so I definitely beat it), I went into the little kitchen in our home away from home and made some breakfast by the incredibly romantic refrigerator light. (Otherwise, I would have had to light up the whole place and no one wants my mom to wake up before she's ready. ) Coffee, eggs and toast. Quite the culinary artist here.
Now I am sitting on our back porch, watching beautiful colors paint the sky, trying hard to resist the urge to go sit on the lifeguard chair that's supposedly only reserved for lifeguards, while yelling (softly) at my sister for taking sleepy pictures of everyone else with the threat that she will put them on every social media site in which she participates.
Oh the joys of family.
In the midst of all the morning action, I was thinking a bit on some of the harder things in life that have met my family this year. I imagined someone coming up to me with the claim that they found a way to totally pass around all the hard things in life, arriving at death battle free. All I could see was this big straight line that formed a rectangle, surrounding the mountains and valleys but avoiding them completely. Ahh yes, battle free. And also a complete waste of life. A billions quotes from far more bright and philosophical people could probably support that feeling in a much more eloquent way, but I just know that when I think about the difficult things, I remember how each time beauty found a way of chasing down and overtaking the ugly. And without fail, the beautiful always overshadowed what seemed, for a time and in human eyes, disfigured. Sometimes I struggle with questioning some of the desires that are in my heart, wondering if they are just me running away from dysfunction or trying to escape reality, but this morning I felt God whisper to my heart His reality, "Caitlin, your heart holds eternity inside of it, and eternity is full of whispers that you can hear...whispers that are full of promise. You don't have to be afraid that your desires or dreams are somehow a result of something broken inside of you, trying to get fixed or trying to run away from what's hard. You should know yourself well enough by now to know that you haven't made a habit of fleeing what's difficult. You are running into beauty, and your heart is learning how to connect with my heart and dream the way I do. There is nothing dysfunctional or wrong about that."
I felt an invitation from Jesus to enter into a new phase of freedom. There is no way I'm saying no to that.
Time to pack up and head to grandma's house! Can't wait to give that beautiful woman a huge hug.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Today I spent some time at the library, studying organic chemistry and perusing the travel section. At the moment, I am obsessed with Montana and can't wait to visit that state and go on some hard-core exploration, which will include fly fishing skill development and nature photography (who cares if it's cliche). However, that sort of adventure must only exist in my imagination at the moment, as I am trying to keep my GPA in a healthy zone.
As I was in the library, I started thinking about why healthcare is a field to which I am drawn, especially considering how I feel much more comfortable around artists than scientists. I realized that briefly analyzing what is driving me in this current season of life is actually a very healthy exercise, one which I think people should do more often. It makes this human experience meaningful and full of purpose. Healthy reflection on why I am doing what I am doing, how I am wired, how my story is contributing to something bigger than myself, causes me to see new value in people and in life. When I get busy and stressed out, there is something that becomes desensitized in my heart towards beauty and wonder. That's not okay.
As I was asking myself a few quick questions, I was remembering how on a plane back from Central America several years ago, after spending some time with an amazing doctor, I was caught up in how necessary it is to tell the stories of the people I met while there. It was a defining moment for me that led me to study journalism and filmmaking. That sense of responsibility hasn't left me. There is something to be honored about what people have lived through and where this journey has brought them so far. A good story has a living quality to it, of that I am convinced. Two people could write the exact same paragraph, and yet you feel the words differently in both. I believe that is hugely due to the living quality of words, and what the writer was feeling while penning the letters on a page. Good storytellers feel the story. They honor the story. They realize that stories have the power to change people's lives.
And I see how healthcare is a way to help redirect a person's story. When a community receives education on how to make small changes to achieve better personal health, it makes the whole community better. Simple knowledge has incredible power. When people come to see that exercise and eating right can actually bring joy, there is something that shifts in quality of life. I am seriously convinced of this. One day I want to travel to the places where quality of life isn't even a part of the vocabulary because there is such poverty, and I want to see people awakened by the potential of their own story, of their own destiny. I think that awakening comes when Love is demonstrated, and love sometimes looks like malaria pills, common vaccinations, a nutritious meal. Sometimes that's what is needed to give someone the sense of, "I have a chance in this life" a chance to have a story that marks history.
There is so little that makes sense to me about life, and maybe that is just specific to the season I'm in right now. But those things that I found myself reflecting on today show me that there is a wiring to who God made me to be that goes beyond coursework or a major in college or having a "plan" for my life. There are certain things that drive me, regardless of what "job" I find myself doing or what place I find myself living, and when I pay attention to those things, I see a bit more clearly what my part is to play.
Friday, May 4, 2012
This morning met me with the barking of dogs and people coming in and out of the house in the normal morning bustle that is synonymous with my family. There was something about this morning that felt a bit off, and I realized that I had been dreaming all night about the chemistry exam I took yesterday, rehearsing all the problems in my sleep that I should have known how to do but forgot when it actually counted. Ah the disappointment of preparation that just doesn't seem to carry through to the end of the task.
After mulling around for a bit in self-pity, I went outside to sit on my porch. Being greeted by the chirping of birds and morning air that reminds me of a lovely Nicaraguan summer never fails to coax me out of a bad mood. It also has the effect of a truth serum on me for some reason--one of those settings where all I can do is be perfectly honest with myself and with God, uttering prayers that sound more like what I really feel than what I pretend to feel to sound like a good follower of Him. I'm pretty sure He likes those conversations better anyways--the ones where I finally own up to the things in my heart, but where I also get to praise him in the place where nothing seems to be moving forward in my life. If you think about it, heaven isn't the place where we get to press through the hard stuff and feel the beauty of His goodness in the times that don't make sense. That's for now, for this place where we live in a place of continually learning what it means to have eternity written on our hearts, to trust that God sees the big picture and that He satisfies the desires of our hearts in the richest, deepest, most fulfilling way.
After mulling around for a bit in self-pity, I went outside to sit on my porch. Being greeted by the chirping of birds and morning air that reminds me of a lovely Nicaraguan summer never fails to coax me out of a bad mood. It also has the effect of a truth serum on me for some reason--one of those settings where all I can do is be perfectly honest with myself and with God, uttering prayers that sound more like what I really feel than what I pretend to feel to sound like a good follower of Him. I'm pretty sure He likes those conversations better anyways--the ones where I finally own up to the things in my heart, but where I also get to praise him in the place where nothing seems to be moving forward in my life. If you think about it, heaven isn't the place where we get to press through the hard stuff and feel the beauty of His goodness in the times that don't make sense. That's for now, for this place where we live in a place of continually learning what it means to have eternity written on our hearts, to trust that God sees the big picture and that He satisfies the desires of our hearts in the richest, deepest, most fulfilling way.
Monday, April 30, 2012
"I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose.
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.
Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields
I will not leave, I will not leave 'till it's our time.
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side."
-Fun. "The Gambler"
Now it is almost time for the May flowers and all the expectations that come with spring. In between a new job as a barista, school, and balancing other random jobs, I haven't made time for contemplation or writing--things that I usually need for heart survival and health.
Leave it up to a dear friend's wedding to bring you back to the beauty of the present and the possibilities of the future.
I just returned home from Virginia Beach, where I had the incredible honor of watching my friend Audrey become the gorgeous bride of the man of her dreams. The culmination of a dream seems to lay in wait like a key, ready to open up a whole horizon of brand new dreams if we can only rest in God's goodness, His timing, His unmatched story writing, refusing the rush of a "have it now" society. Maybe those brand new dreams were actually always present, but just couldn't be felt yet. As I watched the couple exchange vows, I just felt wonder over the possibilities and adventures ahead for them now as a team--an incredibly well matched and beautiful team.
God makes beautiful things out of us. Always and forever.
Now that the wedding is over and I have returned to real life, I feel an incredible sense of joy (minus the fact that I miss my friends terribly and wish we all lived closer to each other). Maybe that happens when you get to be a part of watching someone you love enter into the sacredness of marriage after you know their back story and the sacrifices and faith involved in getting to that exchange of vows-- it realigns your heart into remembering how good and faithful God is to our lives and our hearts--it stirs up faith in His plan as the very best of fathers.
So now to make some time today to just sit back and thank God for the present--and let Him know that I am indeed excited for all that He has in store.
Best wishes to Audrey and Eric!
Friday, March 23, 2012
In college, I seriously considered about ten different majors (and then jokingly considered about 20 more), ranging from strategic intelligence to international relations to spanish to journalism to biology/pre-med. I finally settled on a journalism major, filmmaking minor, but it was quite the journey to even get to the point of declaring a major.
What may appear to be an "indecisive" nature hasn't changed much. I don't know if it is a thirst for life or a lack of identity, but something in me wants to believe that I can learn everything that sparks an interest in me and that somehow, every passion will be incorporated into one big tapestry along the way.
There have been a few times in my life where I've thought, "If only I could live several lives! Then maybe I could do it all: be an FBI agent, a novelist, a business owner, a sailor, Huckleberry Finn, a doctor, an actor, an olympic athlete, a lion tamer (not), write a screenplay, master a musical instrument and travel the world..." (and the list gets a bit more ridiculous the longer I think about it). But a few days ago I was having a thought along those lines when it hit me how sad I would be to have to do life over again. Not sad due to a loss of interest in all alternate life-stories, but sad because I would never want to live in a world where the people I love in this one life I've been given aren't there with me.
It gave me a new perspective. Yes, it's fun to dream big and to imagine what can be packed into the blink of an eye. Yet, in the end, what matters comes down to relationship. To pursue 100 hobbies and maybe "master" a few, yet never cultivate rich relationships or offer yourself to another, would seem like a sad close to what could have been an incredible adventure.
And in that moment that was the culmination of lots of stress and worry over "how to spend the days of my life"in the most lasting and fulfilling way, I may have defined something that will impact the rest of my life.
What may appear to be an "indecisive" nature hasn't changed much. I don't know if it is a thirst for life or a lack of identity, but something in me wants to believe that I can learn everything that sparks an interest in me and that somehow, every passion will be incorporated into one big tapestry along the way.
There have been a few times in my life where I've thought, "If only I could live several lives! Then maybe I could do it all: be an FBI agent, a novelist, a business owner, a sailor, Huckleberry Finn, a doctor, an actor, an olympic athlete, a lion tamer (not), write a screenplay, master a musical instrument and travel the world..." (and the list gets a bit more ridiculous the longer I think about it). But a few days ago I was having a thought along those lines when it hit me how sad I would be to have to do life over again. Not sad due to a loss of interest in all alternate life-stories, but sad because I would never want to live in a world where the people I love in this one life I've been given aren't there with me.
It gave me a new perspective. Yes, it's fun to dream big and to imagine what can be packed into the blink of an eye. Yet, in the end, what matters comes down to relationship. To pursue 100 hobbies and maybe "master" a few, yet never cultivate rich relationships or offer yourself to another, would seem like a sad close to what could have been an incredible adventure.
And in that moment that was the culmination of lots of stress and worry over "how to spend the days of my life"in the most lasting and fulfilling way, I may have defined something that will impact the rest of my life.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Saying Good-bye
Loss. It is universal to every breathing thing, and yet, it is one of the most personal experiences on our journey.
Two weeks ago, I was in the hospital with my grandma. She lived with my family for the last three and a half years, and Monday morning, February 20, 2012 at 5 a.m. we watched her pass into eternity. All night I was taking shifts with other family members, holding her hand to just let her know we were there and that we were so grateful for her life. Her final breath still seems like a dream. We knew it was coming, but I don't know how you can prepare for that.
She was exactly ninety-one and a half the day she died, and her life was well lived. We were so blessed by the fact that her memory and cognitive skills remained completely intact. There is no money that could ever buy the stories that she passed on to us, stories in which I find an incredible legacy that I get to carry with me forever.
Still, even when the good-bye is to someone who has lived a full life, it is still so difficult. At least for me. As I was cleaning out the family refrigerator a few days ago, I was on a frenzy of throwing things in the trash. People say that grief makes you want to do that sometimes. But then I came across a package of bologna, and even though no one else in my family eats that, it was hard to throw it in the trash. It was another moment of admitting that Nanny is not coming back.
In the morning, I still wake up thinking I need to make sure she has her oatmeal before 10:30 am and that she will need a fresh cup of coffee. I still come home from work wanting to tell her about my day and ask her advice on different problems I run into. In so many ways, she was more than just a grandma. When both my parents lost their job at the end of last year, we were sent into a spin of emotions filled with fear and sadness. Yet Nanny was there, our biggest defender, our best friend. She never gave up on any of us, not even my dad, who a lot of people gave up on in a really short amount of time.
I will miss her so much. I will miss telling her about my boy drama, or more so my lack of boy drama, to which she would always reiterate, "Don't rush into things. Just do what you are doing, and it will happen. Don't worry about it!" But usually that advice would quickly be followed by, "You could always go to a military ball! Isn't the Naval Academy close by?" and I would just laugh and say, "Maybe I'll do that, Nanny." I will miss eating breakfast with her in the mornings. I will miss her giving me advice on my job search, and letting me know that one day I will be at the top of whatever field I want to pursue. She always thought like that--that we had what it took to be excellent and to use that influence to make a difference in the world. I'll miss how on hard days after my family went through the trauma of a church split and the loss of friendships, she would tell me to just curl up in her bed and talk to her about it, and unlike my parents who would quickly want me to forgive people, she would, for a second, let me be totally angry at how things went down. I will miss her feisty opinions and the way she seemed to purposefully try to generate heated conversation. I will miss watching her come to the aid of the underdog time after time after time. I will miss her laugh and the fact that she refused to wear her dentures. I will miss taking her to mass every once in a while on Saturday nights, and the peace that was in her room because she was a woman who knew how to pray. I will miss her opinions of the current GOP debates and the blaring of every evening FOX news show as I was trying to sleep in a room down the hall. I will miss filming random conversations with her.
People say that after losing someone, you always wish that you could have had just one more conversation, one more moment, one more memory. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that she and I won't be going to see Iron Lady like we planned, or that she won't be giving me grammar lessons like we talked about. There is a space in our lives that she filled so beautifully, and now that it feels empty, it is a whole new journey of grappling with the very human experience of letting go.
All I know is that in the midst of working through the unformulated and messy process of grief, I am so incredibly thankful that I had the privilege of knowing Nanny in a way that never would have happened if she didn't decide to live with us. I'm not sure why she chose that--maybe the whole underdog thing again--but I will forever be grateful for the time I had with her.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Point to Live By.
"If you believe an industry is so unsafe or dishonorable that you wouldn’t offer up yourself or spouse/child (real or hypothetical) to work in it, then you shouldn’t use the products of that industry."
-Carolyn Hax
-Carolyn Hax
Thursday, February 2, 2012
How incredible,
that we have the ability to both dream of things that have never been and to see them become a reality.
How crazy is that? To imagine things that are not "real" in a tangible way, yet with a small bit of daring and belief, can be pioneered into existence...and that in YOU, God has created that potential.
that we have the ability to both dream of things that have never been and to see them become a reality.
How crazy is that? To imagine things that are not "real" in a tangible way, yet with a small bit of daring and belief, can be pioneered into existence...and that in YOU, God has created that potential.
There are obvious OCD behavior traits that I display on a frequent basis, one of them being my grammar nazi tendencies that are mostly directed towards my own writing, specifically when it comes to spelling. I do blame this on my mother and grandmother who had very little tolerance for poor grammar (even though I definitely see how I've become lazy in remembering rules over the years...good thing they don't read my blog).
However, their encouragement to pay attention to details prepared me for new worlds. It's crazy how quickly we forget to give credit to the foundational things in life, like learning basic math, how to tie a shoe, how to make a simple meal, etc etc. Without the basics, there would be nothing to build upon.
One of those worlds is a fascination with how letters strung together in a specific way create a word, and how that word has a denotation that can be found in every dictionary, yet to each person that word may have a very personal and emotional meaning, giving it various connotations.
Sometimes I like to take this fascination that I have with connotations and how they say something about a person, and just brainstorm what comes to mind when using different words.
For example, simplicity.
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But when I think of simplicity... here is what comes out:
I believe that word, in my own connection with it, actually has a smell, a taste. It's an ivory bar of soap that floats in water. A campfire. Garden herbs. Rich flavors and colors that you can taste and see because you are present. It feels like a picnic lunch. catching the sunrise and sunset, and each time standing in awe of the newness of it all. it's wearing out a pair of hiking boots or wearing out your favorite album because you've had every song on repeat for the last year. the waves of the sea. watching a sailboat elegantly glide across water, reaching a new destination. having a lord of the rings movie marathon. and building a fort with your siblings before that movie marathon. watching the sound of music for the millionth time. breathing in fresh air. a hard work-out and the shower that follows. conversations with strangers that change your life. conversations with close friends that touch your heart. laughter because of goodness that gets into your soul. A good, real cup of coffee with a spot of real cream. de-cluttered rooms. generosity. Living with your heart fully engaged in the journey, exploring but never leaving your roots. It's the staples of life, like ketchup, ranch dressing and hot sauce. It's going to a youth camp in Mexico where you are living life with people who speak a different language, yet you still feel right at home. It's rejoicing in the journey so fully that bitterness, unforgiveness and anxiety have no chance at cluttering your heart, yet still living with such a clear and honest heart that you are aware of the very real fact that those enemies would love to destroy you if given permission. It's the deep, big question conversations. And the short, fun ones too. The total enjoyment of an ice cream cone, even in the middle of winter. It's pixar movies and unpolished, honest writing.
The list could probably go on and on. And if I asked someone else what they think of when giving life to the word simplicity, it would probably be a completely different list.
you should give it a try, even if you think I am crazy and OCD. :)
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