"To achieve anything today, an artist has to develop a conscious strictness in respect of time which in former ages might have seemed neurotic and selfish, for he must never forget that he is living in a state of siege."  [W.H.Auden]

"I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills." [Audrey Hepburn]

"I don't like formal gardens. I like wild nature."
[Walt Disney]

"When the Lord brought back the captivity of Zion, we were like those who dream...our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing." [psalm 126]

"There are two ways through life; the way of nature and the way of Grace. You have to choose which one you’ll follow. Grace doesn’t try to please itself. It accepts being slighted, forgotten, disliked. It accepts insults and injuries. Nature only wants to please itself and others to please it too. It likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it and love is smiling through all things. You taught us that no one who loves the way of Grace ever comes to a bad end. I will be true to You.”
[The Tree of Life]

“I chose the specialty of surgery because of Matron, that steady presence during my boyhood and adolescence. 'What is the hardest thing you can possibly do?' she said when I went to her for advice on the darkest day of the first half of my life.

I squirmed. How easily Matron probed the gap between ambition and expediency. 'Why must I do what is hardest?'

'Because, Marion, you are an instrument of God. Don't leave the instrument sitting in its case my son. Play! Leave no part of your instrument unexplored. Why settle for 'Three Blind Mice' when you can play the 'Gloria'?

'But, Matron, I can't dream of playing Bach...I couldn't read music.

'No, Marion,' she said her gaze soft...'No, not Bach's 'Gloria'. Yours! Your 'Gloria' lives within you. The greatest sin is not finding it, ignoring what God made possible in you.”
[Abraham Verghese]

"But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I'm not about to let his grace go to waste." [paul, 1 cor. 15:10]

"My politics were those of prophylaxis, my opponents preferred those of palliation." [Rudolf Virchow]

"Life is short, and Art long; the crisis fleeting; experience perilous, and decision difficult."... “Wherever the art of Medicine is loved, there is also a love of Humanity.”
 [Hippocrates]

“I always entertain great hopes.” [Robert Frost]

"Even here the children laugh..."
 [Alan Paton, Cry, The Beloved Country]

"There's just two ways to lose yourself in this life
And neither way is safe.
In my dreams I see visions of the future,
But today we have today.
And where will I find You?...
In the currency of Grace,
is where my song begins."
[Switchfoot]

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." (from Phil. 1 in the msg)

"I have been ravaged by intent. I have been moved by tenderness.I have been changed by a warring Love."
[Ashley]

"When people say 'take care' I say, 'rubbish, take risk!"
[Andrew White]

"Justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love." [Martin Luther King Jr.]

"Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day." [Pooh's Little Instruction Book]

"without any doubt he was
whatever(first and last)

most people fear most:
a mystery for which iv'e
no word except alive
—that is,completely alert
and miraculously whole;"
[cummings]

"we're a mystery that will never happen again, a miracle which has never happened before—" [cummings]

"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates." [Amy Carmichael]

"We must pray without tiring, for the salvation of mankind does not depend on material success; nor on sciences that cloud the intellect. Neither does it depend on arms and human industries, but on Jesus alone." [Mother Cabrini]

"Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." [Joan of Arc]

"Let your religion be less of a theory and more of a love affair."  [chesterton]

"However, cheer up, and whenever you are fed up with life, start writing: ink is the great cure for all human ills, as I have found out long ago." [C.S. Lewis]

"Idealism detached from action is just a dream. But idealism allied with pragmatism, with rolling up your sleeves and making the world bend a bit, is very exciting. It's very real. It's very strong."
[Bono]

"I grew up in this town, my poetry was born between the hill and the river, it took its voice from the rain, and like the timber, it steeped itself in the forests."
[Pablo Neruda]

"My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters it rises to the sky seeking me
...and it opens for me all the doors of life

...in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword."
[P. Neruda]

"So I will fight this good fight of faith, and I will do it all for love.  You are my great reward, you're so worth fighting for, and I can't wait to see your face."  [kristene mueller, homeward bound]

"Oh laughing man, what have you won?
don't tell me what cannot be done."
[the innocence mission]

"This is the call to arms:
Let the great rebellion of our generation be one of purity. Let us not be known throughout the world for drunkeness, loneliness, broken marriages, teenage pregnancies, greed, drug habits, gang culture, and everything else that makes us look like people who are lost. But let us be renowned and respected for our wisdom, our restraint, our passion, our honour, our integrity, our joy, our fulfillment, our trustworthiness and most importantly of all let us be known as nation who loves each other. Let us turn against this tide of conformity, turn from the values of the world and turn our backs on all the things that weaken us and embrace what makes us strong:
We are called to be in the world but not of the world: to see beauty with our hearts and not our eyes, to see love as a virtue and not a feeling, to value mankind equally, to be fearless, radical and transparent."
[king charles]

looking back

2011 is just a few weeks away from completion.  This year has been full of both joy and heartbreak.   I traveled to Mexico and made amazing new friends, I worked odd jobs that gave me just enough money to make it through the year, I borrowed lots of books from the library, got accepted into a post-bac pre-med program at University of Maryland, ran my first 5-K race, went through the heart ache of losing lots of friends as the aftermath of my parents losing their jobs as pastors, and also found myself in the middle of many life lessons that I didn't anticipate.

 At the moment, I'm in the midst of the heartbreak portion that occurred this year, and I'm not really at a place where I can fully put into words how it's felt or what future I can see beyond this point.  I've cried a lot.  That's been good.  Other than that, I'm slow to process everything because I don't want it to move on too hastily; I don't want to miss the treasures God is purifying in my heart as He dislodges things like man pleasing and faulty definitions of success and security.

One thing I did do tonight, as a way to look back on this year and create expectation for what's to come, is read the blog entry I wrote on the first of this year, 1-1-11.  It's funny how the very thing I started to realize then is actually coming full circle in my life:

"I'm realizing how much I don't need, which is making me all the more thankful for the things that I do need--most of them not tangible. It's crazy the flimsy fabrication of safety that is made with the tangibles in life--and how easy it is to waste our whole lives working for those things that make us feel safe, while the living is done outside of that poorly made blanket.

Cheers to what is to come! And thank God for His faithfulness in the last year."

This year, more than any, I have come face to face with the fabrications of safety I've clung to in my life.

All I can say, even through the tears and heartache, is that I am thankful that God is taking me and my family through this process.  He's been the most faithful and best of friends.

So here's to the living that is done outside of poorly made blankets of safety.

"Tiredness has nothing to do with work...The intelligence only grows and bears fruit in joy."
-Sione Weil

Attentiveness to God...
"consists of suspending our thought, leaving it detached, empty, and ready to be penetrated by the object...All wrong translations, all absurdities in geometry problems, all clumsiness of style, and all faulty connections of ideas in compositions and essays, all such things are due to the fact that thought has seized upon some idea too hastily, and being thus prematurely blocked, is not open to the truth.  The cause is always that we have wanted to be too active; we have wanted to carry out a search...We do not obtain the most precious gifts by going in search of them but by waiting for them."  -Simone Weil

place that make my heart feel alive

the open road.
mountains.
bodies of water.

transitions

Today, I drove my dad to his first day of work at his new job.  He's giving taxi cab driving a try.  Pastor to cab driver is a big change.  This transition alone is showing me just how much our society encourages definitions to be created by "what we do" versus "who we are" and that is something I am guilty of too.

Shame.  It really shouldn't exist.

Get me to the trash dumps asap please.  To the "unwanted" and "forgotten" who have nothing yet still manage to have way more joy and life satisfaction than me.  Teach me how to really live.

brewing frustrations

they always end up expressing themselves in some way. 

usually not in a way that's lovely.

Quarter of a Century

I reached it.  25.  What a crazy few weeks that led up to this particular point on my journey's timeline.

Last year, I wrote a letter on my birthday to bring focus to that new year of life.  One thing I wrote, "God, take me down to running size."

Wow.  That sounds like such a nice, pretty picture, eh?  You know, the kind of scene in a movie where the inspirational soundtrack is cheering the main character on as the story hits the climax and then the resolution comes just a few minutes later, where all the hard things finally start to shift and the underdog overcomes? Yeah, I think the inspirational soundtrack forgot to show up for me. :)  (just kidding.  several amazing friends have provided soundtrack inspiration at just the right moments...reminding me to not give up).

One thing I know, God answers prayers and He never leaves.  He answered that one (and is continuing to do so), and He's been there with me every step of the way, teaching me how to surrender my timeline to Him and all the plans that I've made.

"Lord, wound me with the reality of my own insufficiency.  Lord, ruin me and wound me with the reality of the world's insufficiency until I see you alone in everything.  I want to see You, Jesus.  I want to see You alone in everything, because then I know all things will bring me joy."

What if this is where the story ends?  What if there is no more, and it stops here, with transpired events that brought with them feelings too deep for words?

Except I know that it doesn't end here.  A quarter of a century full of history with my Best Friend.  A quarter of a century full of dreams and lessons and growth.

One day, God will use the things that don't make sense.  And He will use them even when I don't know that's what he's doing because He's brought me so far into wholeness. Into His likeness.

"The places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned.  The door was closed off to me as my back was turned..."

"Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing...
God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life...
breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails!"

I wish that I could personally thank every person who has shown me and my family such kindness, not just in the past few weeks, but over the course of our whole lives.  I have been blessed so much by the genuine love, forgiveness, and grace that have been extended to us, from people living close by and far away.  It's been healing.  It's even brought me to tears on several occasions.  The Body of Christ is alive.  It is full of people who are very human, but at the same time, becoming more and more like Jesus, determined to see like HIm and love like Him.  I've been inspired by each of these encounters.

Today, I had the opportunity to eat breakfast with one of the women I admire most in my life.  She is one of the most courageous people I know, and her stories are full of adventures and radical trust in God.  She just encouraged me so much to go after the dreams that God has placed in my heart, even if the process is different than I expected.  Several times she said, "Don't cut corners on God's best."  I took those words to heart.

I think at the core of every dream that I have, there is this longing to see wholeness--nothing missing, nothing broken.  To see people have hope, maybe for the first time.  To see them come into fullness, because it's available for them.  God is a good God.  I want people to see His goodness through my life.

I think now is the time to dream like never before--throwing off the boundaries, the confinements, the limits.  To take God at His word--with Him, everything is possible.  He is faithful to His own, faithful to His word, good on His promises.

Ahh, how I love my generation.  How I love that so many of them embody this perspective of God--that He can do anything.  That He wants to use them.  That love wins and really does set people free.

rawness

There is a special place in my heart for kids who are raised in a spotlight, whether it be the children of politicians, celebrities, or, in the case I know personally, pastors.

One day, I think I'd love to start some sort of ranch specifically aimed at that category: children of leaders.  Where they can come and just be real.  Be safe.  Be restored.  Learn to be the beloved.  No need to please.  No need to put on protective masks to function normally as the children of leaders.  No need to think that their destiny is only based on how well their parents do in life.  No need to put on a show just so others don't ask questions, or rebel just to break the cycle.

With life being lived in a glass house, it's often the failures people remember the most.  In many ways, people feel like they deserve to know the inside and outside workings of your life.  Why else would we have tabloids?  People like to watch the drama of other peoples' lives unfold.  But they don't like it went people probe into theirs.  Leaders don't get to lay down that boundary--they don't get to say "hey, actually, that's none of your business."  Their reputation is a very public matter, and when something goes wrong, everyone hears about it.  Or at least that's been my experience.  Maybe it's good.  I mean, we all want vulnerability in the people we follow.  I get it.  But it's still hard.

Whether it be an accurate perception or not as I reflect on this type of upbringing, as a pk, the emotions that I feel are real.  In failure, everyone gets to watch your world fall apart.  People talk.  The critics make an analysis of you, pass it along, try to put it in concrete (if you let them) so it marks your life.  It makes you feel like your voice doesn't exist anymore.  Like you could fade into oblivion, and the world would be better for it.  Some will care, try to express concern.  But they won't be there to pick up the pieces--not always out of a lack of care.  Mostly out of just not knowing what to do. They won't understand what it really feels like. They can't.  And I don't expect them to.  In fact, I don't want them to.  

But in the really raw moments of life, like this current one I'm walking through, it's easy for me to think that I am completely abandoned.  Because no one can make it better.  Not a single person.  Not a million dollars.  Not getting married.  Not pursuing more eduction.  At the core of it, it's God who i need to speak to me.  It's Him I need to hear from : to know that He still has a plan for me.  To know that there is more for me than what I've known, and that life can truly be lived full of joy.  That there is a place for me--a place where I can make a difference, where I can release life to others.

More than anything, I don't want the enemy to win.  I don't want him to take me out or my family.  Even if no one else believes in us, I believe in us.  I believe in me.  I believe in what God has placed inside of me.  The processes He's taking me through, and the one I'm walking through--they're not in vain.

I wish that this blog could be written more eloquently.  Maybe one day I can put this season into better words.  Maybe time and healing will give me a perspective that is healthy and life giving to others who have or will experience the same.

So now I turn my eyes to heaven.  I get on my knees.  I stretch out my arms.

I don't know what to do.  And so forever, my eyes are on You, Jesus.  Make my life a love song to you.  Bring it into deeper consecration.  Fill me with all that You are.  Whatever it takes.  Whatever needs to be laid down, purged out.  God, do it.  Because you are worth it all.

the latter is greater

excerpts from a book written by George Matheson, a blind Scottish preacher:

"There is a time coming in which your glory shall consist on the very thing which now constitutes your pain.  Nothing could be more sad to Jacob than the ground on which he was lying, a stone for his pillow! It was the hour of his poverty.  It was the season of his night.  It was the seeming absence of his God.  The Lord was in the place and he knew it not.  Awakened from his sleep he found that the day of his trial was the dawn of his triumph!  Ask the great ones of the past what has been the spot of their prosperity and they will say, 'It was the cold ground on which I was lying.'  Ask Abraham; he will point you to the sacrifice on Mount Moriah.  Ask Joseph; he will direct you to his dungeon.  Ask Moses; he will date his fortune from his danger in the Nile.  Ask Ruth; she will bid you build her monument in the field of her toil.  Ask David; he will tell you that his songs came from the night.  Ask Job; he will remind you that God answered him out of the whirlwind.  Ask Peter; he will extol his submersion in the sea.  Ask John; he will give the path to Patmos.  Ask Paul; he will attribute his inspiration to the light which struck him blink.  Ask one more!--the Son of God.  Ask Him whence has come His rule over the world; He will answer, 'From the cold ground on which I was lying--the Gethsemane ground--I received my sceptre there.'  Thou too, my soul, shall be garlanded by Gethsemane!  The cup thou fain wouldst pass from thee will be thy coronet in the sweet by and by.

"The hour of thy loneliness will crown thee.  The day of thy depression will regale thee.  It is thy desert that will break forth into singing.  It is the trees of thy silent forest that will clap their hands.  The last things will be first in the sweet by and by.  The thorns will be roses.  The vales will be hills.  The crooks will be straight lines, the ruts will be level.  The shadows will be shining.  The losses will be promotions.  The tears will be tracks of gold.  The voice of God to thine evening will be this: 'Thy treasure is hid in the ground, where thou wert lying.'"

‎"The two best questions we can ask in every life event are "What does this mean?" and "What shall we do?" In between those two questions comes a whole wealth of revelation and an experience of God to go with it!"


-Graham Cooke

time

Hourglass: measures the passage of a few minutes or an hour of time.

___________

Time is a concept that baffles me.

Take a lifetime for instance.  Each day you wake up, you are a day closer to meeting the grave. Making it even more specific (and possibly morbid and depressing?), each second brings you closer to that occasion. Yet, simultaneously, those same seconds of approaching end are moments that you've never seen before in all of your life.  Brand new.

Ah the tension.  It's everywhere.  Living life to the fullest because of the newness of each second, but living it with the overarching sense of purpose because all those seconds of a life, combined, only equal a blink.  Making every moment count, but realizing that sometimes means just soaking it all up,  reminding yourself why life is worth receiving your full attention.  Why it's worth excellence and the best you can offer.

The hourglass picture spurs on this conversation that I'm having with myself about time.  As the sand goes through the little hole, each movement is an arrival at a destination it's never known, yet it will still reach its end, settling into the bottom part of the instrument.  Mind-boggling.  (Maybe not...I don't know.  Everything blows my mind these days.  Like the interview I overheard today on NPR with a physicist who talked about this new "cutting edge" string theory that believes the earth is actually just a really big membrane...and that apparently there may be an equation to calculate where everything in the universe exists...crazy...and yes, I laughed.)

I believe that wisdom is the lady who knows how to teach us how to live in this tension. We dream big dreams because there is so much possibility, but we also learn how to set a pace that doesn't result in burn out and disillusionment.  We believe for big things and take risks that get our adrenaline pumping, yet still know how to calm down for a nice picnic lunch.  Using the time we're given to the fullest.  Every moment a chance to thank God for newness--for the fact that dead skin cells shed and new ones grow and that we also get emotional and spiritual processes that shed our yucky stuff so that we can grow into the dream of God's heart.  But maybe His dream is really not a destination--maybe it's not all the big things that people think we need to do to be successful in the Kingdom.  Maybe it's not an arrival at some "identity" that we're working towards, even though we never know how to adequately measure it in terms of progress.

 As humans, we so often set down exact measurements for arrival..."Oh, I have to be there in 10 minutes" or "I need to meet them on this date" or countless other varieties of the same sentiment.  But what if a huge part of even making it to that meeting on time has to do with how you got there--with the in between time.  What if that's where the dream is largely taking place.  What if it's the journey, the friendship, that God's heart is dreaming of and longing for, instead of the achievement of some perfect and whole identity, or some great achievement?  I don't doubt that God's desire is to bring us into wholeness, and that He longs to use us to do big things, like change whole nations, but what if a large part of coming into that wholeness and walking in power is seeing the in between parts and learning how to thank God for each moment of life we've been given, even when we don't always know how to use those moments well.

  Wisdom is a faithful teacher.  I want to know how to number my days.  Not in a morbid way.  But in a way that embraces the newness while knowing life's a vapor.  To live within the context of eternity, but realize each moment I breathe is time I've been given to store up treasures that will either be corruptible or incorruptible.  My choice.

Enough thoughts tonight.  My head hurts from too much new information over the past few weeks.  I need a vacation at a cottage in the middle of Irish hills.

Is it possible that this painful place will become the most beautiful?

That the hard things that feel like death are actually saving my life?

I have the most incredible friends in the world.

"what can I do to say thank You?  What can I do to say I love You?"

learning to
love deeper.  trust always.  think only on what is good, pure, lovely, of good report.  fight for what really matters.

there's a greater glory to come.  the latter is greater than the former.

beauty out of ashes.

that's the way of the Kingdom.

that's the heart of the King.

devoutly hopeful

The unexpected path, unchartered land.  They are always finding me.  There is something about the unknown that is hopeful.  It holds within it a future that's not yet decided, which means a chance for things to be different.  It summons the pioneer in me--the part of my heart that isn't willing to let the story be finished with a sentence of defeat because I've experienced too much good to believe this is all there is to the story.

Even if my family occupies the gossip train for the rest of our lives, while everyone is whispering the once closely held secrets of all that we didn't know how to hide, I'm going to let the shame stay here in this city while I put on my traveler's bag once again and head towards water.  The shame can't come with me.  It's not part of my name.   I'll find a way to harness all the things that feel broken and confused into something that brings life and healing to others, and the story is going to be one of strength to strength, glory to glory.

Time for a new chapter.

What's been invested was not a waste.  Only heaven can truly understand these tensions we live in, the ones for which we try so hard to find reasonable explanations.  What's done is done, but it wasn't a waste.    

No regret.  Just hope, faith, love.

These are the times I get to experience what those words really mean, as they become verbs I get to live, not just words I fit into sentences to sound spiritual.

Selah.

"I Thirst", written by Mother Teresa

It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come – always, without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension – a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father ("As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you…" (Jn. 15:10) I come - longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with My power, that I might carry you and all your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life; and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life, and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I Thirst for You. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you. I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life. – and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask of you is that you entrust yourself to Me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home. Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you gave Me the joy of being your Savior. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal; so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life; there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change. I THIRST FOR YOU – just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day – standing at the door of your heart and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there – for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: "I THIRST…"(Jn 19: 28). Yes, I thirst for you – as the rest of the psalm – verse I was praying says of Me: "I looked for love, and I found none…" (Ps. 69: 20). All your life I have been looking for your love – I have never stopped seeking to love you and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

---

"Jesus is God, therefore His love, His Thirst, is infinite. He the creator of the universe,
asked for the love of His creatures.
He thirst for our love… These words:
‘I Thirst’ –
Do they echo in our souls?”

Mother Teresa

some thoughts from Albert Einstein

"My Dear Children:

I rejoice to see you before me today, happy youth of a sunny and fortunate land.

Bear in mind that the wonderful things you learn in your schools are the work of many generations, produced by enthusiastic effort and infinite labor in every country of the world.  All this is put into your hands as your inheritance in order that you may receive it, honor it, add to it, and one day faithfully hand it on to your children.  Thus do we mortals achieve immortality in the permanent things which we create in common.

If you always keep that in mind you will find a meaning in life and work and acquire the right attitude toward other nations and ages."


"...the great moral teachers of humanity were, in a way, artistic geniuses in the art of living.  In addition to the most elementary precepts directly motivated by the preservation of life and the sparing of unnecessary suffering, there are others to which, although they are apparently not quite commensurable to the basic precepts, we nevertheless attach considerable importance.  Should truth, for instance, be sought unconditionally even where its attainment and its accessibility to all would entail heavy sacrifices in toil and happiness?  There are many such questions which, from a rational vantage point, cannot be easily answered or cannot be answered at all.  Yet, I do not think that the so-called "relativistic" viewpoint is correct, not even when dealing with the more subtle moral decisions.

When considering the actual living conditions of present-day civilized humanity from the standpoint of even the most elementary religious commands, one is bound to experience a feeling of deep and painful disappointment at what one sees.  For while religion prescribes brotherly love in the relations among the individuals and groups, the actual spectacle more resembles a battlefield than an orchestra.  Everywhere, in economic as well as in political life, the guiding principle is one of ruthless striving for success at the expense of one's fellow-men.  This competitive spirit prevails even in school and, destroying all feelings of human fraternity and cooperation, conceives of achievement not as derived form the love for production and thoughtful work, but as springing from personal ambition and fear of rejection.

There are pessimists who hold that such a state of affairs is necessarily inherent in human nature; it is those who propound such views that are the enemies of true religion, for they imply thereby that religious teachings are utopian ideals and unsuited to afford guidance in human affairs.  The study of the social patterns in certain so-called primitive cultures, however, seems to have made it sufficiently evident that such a defeatist view is wholly unwarranted.  Whoever is concerned with this problem, a crucial one in the study of religion as such, is advised to read the description of the Pueblo Indians in Ruth Benedict's book, Patterns of Culture.  Under the hardest living conditions, this tribe has apparently accomplished the difficult task of delivering its people from the scourge of competitive spirit and of fostering in it a temperate, cooperative conduct of life, free of external pressure and without any curtailment of happiness.

The interpretation of religion, as here advanced, implies a dependence of science on the religious attitude, a relation which, in our predominantly materialistic age, is only too easily overlooked..."

Simple Life lyrics, 
The Weepies


When I get up in the morning, put the kettle on
Make us some coffee, say hey to the sun
Is it enough to write a song, and sing it to the birds
They'd hear just the tune, not understand my love for words

But you would hear me and know...
That I want to live this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

I dreamed you first, but not so real
And every day since I found you, such moments we steal
Like little fields, we rub our hands
And hold our hearts between them

But will you hear me and know...
That I want to live this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

Move on, move on, time is accelerating
Drive on, all night, traffic lights and one ways
Move on, move on parking violations waiting
Turn off the car, breathe the air, let's stay here

I'll kiss you awake, and we'll have time
To know our neighbors all by name, and every star at night
We'll weave our days together like waves, and particles of light

I want to live this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life
I want to live this
I want to live
I want to live a simple life

"I want to love you, like nobody's ever loved you before..."

Recently, I've been immersed in the study of things like atoms, electrons, protons, neutrons.  These are all new words and concepts for my literature-minded brain, but learning a "new language" is apparently good for you, which is exactly what this feels like (verdict is still out on the whole "good for you" part).

As I was thinking about an atom today, my thoughts turned to Jesus.  In the midst of this hunt for knowledge and understanding, all of which are God given abilities and can even be worship when done to glorify Him, there is still the reality that we will never know everything.  Ever.  And the more we learn, the more we should (if we're honest) acknowledge how little we know.  So there must be more to learning than just acquiring new information.  There must be more to the story than just accumulating head knowledge to impress others or get ahead in life.  Those things seem to deliver a consistent lack of fulfillment anyways.  So what is the big picture?

I feel like the search to know things can be beautifully intercepted and enveloped by a new, consuming search to find God.  And in that searching, He is fully engaged and ready to reveal His heart and mysteries.  We search for mysteries, and at the end of the search, the point of the journey seems to be relationship--to know God in ways that are beautifully paradoxical to all of our ways.  (Sounds a little bit like friendship, eh?)

In that big picture, where do we fit?  How does our story even matter, when God is so big and we are so small?  Well, that's where my thoughts returned to the atom.  Every tiny atom is important in the make-up of all things.  The number electrons on an atom affect how it will react with other substances, and the number of protons give it definition.  Without all of those tiny parts that can't even be seen with the eye, the things that can be seen wouldn't exist.  So it goes with us, I think.  Our story may be one of billions, in addition to the billions who have lived before us, yet it matters.  In the big picture of things, our story matters more than we even understand.  How we choose to live will in some way affect generations to come, whether for good or bad.

There is something weighty about that, but not in a depressing way.  It's weighty in a joyful, purpose giving way.  To know that the story our lives are writing is situated within a bigger story, yet that our smaller part can actually start waves that ripple throughout eternity--there is something incredibly inspiring about that.  That in our compassion, our faith, our loyalty, our kindness, our integrity, our courage, our creativity, our fight for justice, righteousness, purity; in our love...there is something shifting not just our present atmosphere in the culture, but in fact the atmospheres to come.  Just think: how is it that the stories of heroes from hundreds and thousands of years ago can inspire in a way that makes you feel like they are your best friends, your mentors?  Their lives were captured within the bigger story, yet with their lives, they decided to influence the bigger story with intentional living.

These are just thoughts that have been running in my mind today as I've been asking Jesus to give me insight into my part to play--into how I can love Him in a way that only I can, because there is only one of me.  And with my life, I want to bring Him praise, regardless of what others around me are doing.  With my one little life, I can set a tone that can impact generations to come.  It is my design to set the pace, to bring the influence of heaven down on the time line of history. It is in my DNA, as a new creation, to be led by the wind of the Spirit, not tossed by the fads and ups and downs of everything around me.  It is in my right and inheritance as a daughter of God to be the fork in the road--a life that calls others higher just because I'm so in love with Him.  But I don't really think the point, at the end of the day, is really to change the world.  The point is to be God's friend, and in that place of loving, to obey whatever He says...and you obey because you couldn't imagine living any other way.

Hosea 2...

^14-15 "And now, here's what I'm going to do: 
   I'm going to start all over again.
I'm taking her back out into the wilderness 
   where we had our first date, and I'll court her.
I'll give her bouquets of roses. 
   I'll turn Heartbreak Valley into Acres of Hope.
She'll respond like she did as a young girl, 
   those days when she was fresh out of Egypt.

 ^16-20 "At that time"—this is God's Message still—
   "you'll address me, 'Dear husband!'
Never again will you address me,
   'My slave-master!'
I'll wash your mouth out with soap,
   get rid of all the dirty false-god names,
   not so much as a whisper of those names again.
At the same time I'll make a peace treaty between you
   and wild animals and birds and reptiles,
And get rid of all weapons of war.
   Think of it! Safe from beasts and bullies!
And then I'll marry you for good—forever!
   I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness.
Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go.
   You'll know me, God, for who I really am.

 ^21-23 "On the very same day, I'll answer"—this is God's Message—
   "I'll answer the sky, sky will answer earth,
Earth will answer grain and wine and olive oil,
   and they'll all answer Jezreel.
I'll plant her in the good earth.
   I'll have mercy on No-Mercy.
I'll say to Nobody, 'You're my dear Somebody,'
   and he'll say 'You're my God!'"

Sometimes to beat the afternoon traffic rush in the DC area, I will head to College Park early and find a spot close to campus to study.  For some reason, libraries just haven't been working great as a place for learning information, so I've decided to keep the library as my leisure reading spot and try new places for my more intense studying.

Which is what led me to McDonald's on University Blvd.  Definitely a spot to engage in hardcore studying.  

Before going, I called one of my sisters because I felt unfocused and out of sorts (which has become more common than not lately).  She prayed for me, but the only part of the prayer I remember was when she asked God to give me divine appointments.  

Sadly, I have to admit, when she prayed for me to run into people who could help refocus me, my mind instantly went to visions of well known professors or experts in a field.  Those are respectable people, and what a great goal it is to find favor with them.  Right?  Well, I took it as such and then proceeded to enter the fast food chain, full of visions of the greatness to come.  

After ordering iced tea and oatmeal (awesome combination, eh?), I took a seat by a window, in a booth next to an older gentleman with a cane.  We exchanged polite pleasantries, and then I sat down, pulling out my material with a little too much force.  I was determined to learn how to find electrons in an element, and I settled it in my mind that in an hour, I would become a master in electron hunting and finding.  

About ten minutes into it, things were far from registering.  Every word felt like it was part of a new language-.  As I sat there, acting like I understood everything I was reading (as a nice little show for the others in the McDonalds), I noticed a man was standing close by, sipping on a smoothie.  

He saw me look up, and as soon as that happened, my little world of chemistry and me was over.  His questions began, "So, what is it you are studying?" As he asked the question, I noticed that his teeth had the markings of severe neglect, and from his outside appearance, I concluded that it may be a result of drug use as a young man.  I wasn't sure, but all of a sudden, I felt something tug at my heart, "Don't miss this moment.  Don't overlook this guy."  So I engaged my heart in what he had to say, using all the active listening signals that my mom taught me growing up, as a way to show someone, "Hey, I hear you!  You are important.  What is on your mind?"  

He told me about how he studied chemistry in high school and remembered some of it still.  Also, he commented on how my choice of oatmeal was a good and healthy one. Then he told me about his interests in third world hunger and finding ways to address those problems. From the conversation, I gathered that he has lived in several nations where he has seen these problems first hand. Then, in his normal conversational tone, he told me about how he is a Christian, and even though he sees the problems in the world, he wants to see the Kingdom of God encounter them.  

I noticed that as we spoke, people started looking at us.  I think mostly they wanted to see if I would give the guy the time of day, given that he had a certain homeless quality to him.  It made me want even more to show this guy that what he had to say was important.  If they only knew that it was actually me who would leave thankful that he gave me the time of day.

It's a good thing I decided to listen to that voice tugging at my heart, "Pay attention."  It's a good thing I didn't let my ambition to find favor with the "high ups" in society stop me from finding favor with a "high up" in the true economy of greatness.  That man left that day by saying, "Good luck in your studies, Caitlin."  And I said to him, "Best of luck to you too, Jay."  I don't think I'll ever forget him.  He embodied something truly beautiful.  Something that only heaven can really comprehend, yet I can ask for eyes that see like heaven sees.  Eyes that didn't see Jay's teeth or unkept hair as reasons to barely put up with his story--but saw him, Jay, a son of God.

A few minutes later, the older gentleman with the cane got up to leave.  As he passed me, he glanced over and said, "Have a good day" and smiled. Such beauty.  

Those were divine appointments in which I saw God's brilliance.  I don't know what exactly, but something in me was touched deeply that day. The poor in spirit get the Kingdom.  Selah. 

"They say that home is where the heart is/ I guess I haven't found my home./ And we keep driving round in circles, afraid to call this place our home.

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver, folded inside each raining cloud.  Well, we need someone to deliver our silver lining now.

And are we there yet?
home, home, home.

They say you're really not somebody, until somebody else loves you.  Well, I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon.

home, home, home."

daily commute

Driving has become one of my current part time jobs.

Commuting 8-10 hours a week provides good solo time that's almost like an exercise in getting re-aquainted with myself in the midst of a hectic schedule.  Maybe that's what alone time is and why it's so needed--a chance to not forget who you are and what you're about--to not become a stranger to yourself in a world that won't slow down unless you make an intentional fight for things to be still for a moment.

That hour to school and hour back are filled with various things, whether it be listening to NPR, music, silence, or a new added activity: books on cd.  I used to hate books on cd, but I've decided that since I don't have much time for leisure reading, maybe I can learn to enjoy an alternative to reading. This last week, I finished a book on cd about Fred Rogers called I am Proud of You and started a series of lectures on medical history.  I don't know what's happening to me, because it used to take a lot for me to cry.  Now, small things hit me as being really beautiful or sometimes really sad, and I find myself tearing up unexpectedly.  Apparently we are supposed to pay attention to tears.  They hold secrets to who we are--mysteries that only get exposed when we are sensitive to listen.

The first chapter of I am Proud of You is here: http://www.timmadigan.com/proud/excerpt.htm.  It's a beautiful portrayal of Fred Rogers and his greatness.  I found myself wanting to know someone like him, someone who was fully human, aware of the pain that goes on in life, but also full of the overcoming greatness of choosing to love despite the pain.  The tears came when the author wrote of the "supernatural love" Fred showed him.  Fred was the kind of person who was safe-- you knew that you could never lose his love.  He was known to have a unique capacity for relationship--"a fearlessness, an unashamed insistence on intimacy."  That is something that I long to be okay with--to become fearless in my relationships. "Fred wanted to know the truth of your life, the nature of your insides, and had room enough in his own spirit to embrace without judgment whatever that truth might be."

Then, I got to the lecture, and I was struck by the part about Hippocrates, who once said, “Wherever the art of Medicine is loved, there is also a love of Humanity. ” He also wrote in Aphorisms, "Life is short, and Art long; the crisis fleeting; experience perilous, and decision difficult."  I would have liked to know him too, a man who viewed medicine as the way science becomes an Art.

I'm actually looking forward to what other things I can explore on this daily commute of mine.  Inspiration finds us in such random ways, but never did I think that driving the inner loop beltway would contain actual feelings of joy.

thoughts on college ruled notebooks

Writing class notes the old fashioned way, in a college ruled notebook with a pen that makes my middle finger sore from writing with too much force, led to some interesting thoughts last night.

As I was sitting in biology class, trying hard to listen and write important information about carbohydrates and lipids and proteins while adding my own creative flair to the examples drawn on the board, my mind started to multi task with thoughts of how many years it's taken for this information to be discovered and assembled.  Not only that, but the search never ends.  Science is always asking questions, always seeking new discoveries, always ready to both add onto and reassess current information.

So inside of this three dollar notebook, I am writing down information that has been gathered over centuries, built upon through many ages.  There is a richness that lies within that perspective; one which can be applied across other areas of study.

For some reason, I am just amazed by how, inside of a cheap notebook, I can record information worth more than I can calculate.

I feel like the motto of a few generations back was very much along the lines of "work hard. sacrifice for those you love. don't expect things to come without effort."  Mostly, I base this "conclusion" from conversations I've had with my grandmother's over the years, finding out from them first hand what life was like for them and how people dealt with both the hard and beautiful things.

As I was driving home from bio lab tonight, where we talked about the application of the scientific method in scientific lab writing, I found myself making my own observations about life, particularly my own life.  

Growing up in a generation that has known computers, high tech televisions, microwaves, fast weight loss methods (that end up hurting more than helping), "no exercise" exercise plans, youtube, facebook, smart phones....and the list doesn't stop because probably at this very second, a brand new invention will further add to the "convenience" and ease of life...

we are a generation that knows how to use what another generation would call toys, and make them a central part of our existence. 

Except, where these incredible inventions have found ways to speed up processes and provide access to information that generations past never imagined could happen in their wildest dreams,  there still remains the age old truth that it takes hard work to get anywhere worth going.  As that old saying goes (oh wait, I actually can't remember it, so I will just paraphrase...), don't live for the fifteen minutes of fame. 

Maybe every hard seasons feels more difficult than the last, (so I take that into account when I make this statement)...

this is one of the harder, if not hardest, seasons of adjustment I've been through.  But I look back on all the other things that I've walked through and see how they've built and prepared me for now.  Blessings in an unexpected form.  God showing up in the more mundane things to bring wonder and brilliance and joy, teaching me how to live in His kindness even on days that feel dull and far from the destination I am trying to reach.  

Filling up my gas tank tonight after driving home from class, I found myself reflecting on how my observation of life currently is, "This is so hard."  Trying to fit work, an 8 hour a week commute, family, church, relationships, classes, studying...all into the span of just a few hours.  It's tiring.  But as I was pouring out my complaint in prayer, I started to see how my observation was correct in terms of how much is going on right now in life, but then I felt a change in my attitude towards that observation.  I started to see how my generation's "I want it now" mindset has influenced my perspective on things more than I realized.  Instead of wanting to pay the price to learn chemistry and biology, which requires hard work, I want it to all make sense right away, without any effort on my part.  Usually that's not how I approach school, but it is the attitude I am (was) embracing at that moment.  I then got even more honest with myself...

I so often start things full of big hopes and ambition, only to fizzle out.  I'm guilty of being commited to a vision that gets discouraged fast.  Whether it be training for a 5K, writing a screen play, starting a garden in the backyard, practicing piano...etc etc etc....lately I've been much more likely to cave in to disillusionment than to press through the hard parts, fueled by a bigger picture.  

So I decided that after the scientific method that I applied to my own life tonight,  the ball is in my court to make some changes.  If it wasn't hard, would it even be worth pursuing? What would a story be without some tension, without something to overcome and fight for?  

I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  And it's funny: I also feel less overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much opportunity in this season, with such room for growth in every way. It's okay that I don't understand ALL of chemistry and ALL of biology right now, at this very second.  I'll never know it all.  Learning is a process.  But if I work hard, I can learn the concepts and principles and rules that I need as building blocks for the future coursework.    And more than anything, I feel God teaching me again what it means to live underneath His smile every day--to sense His pleasure at every moment--to know that no matter what comes of life, I am His and He is mine, and that's enough. 

One day at a time. 

Amazing grace.    

Learning to discern.  Learning to press through. 

There are times when things are both hard and not right, and you need to find the courage to walk away and pursue something new, even if it's the scariest thing you've ever had to do in your life. 

Then, there are times when things are hard, but your heart says it’s right.  That’s when you dig in and fight, whether that be for a relationship, a dream, a life.  That’s when you don’t relent, no matter what, and you block out the voices of the critics, even if that means your own voice (until it starts to believe something bigger than the "realities").  You press in for grace, living like you believe God will give you everything you need and that through His strength, all really is possible. 

Daily remembering the promises.

Don't let go.  

Ravi Zacharias speaks at Yale University:

 What about those who don't believe in God?

proverbs 17, the msg. 


 ⁸ Grow a wise heart—you'll do yourself a favor; 
   keep a clear head—you'll find a good life. 


¹¹ Smart people know how to hold their tongue;
   their grandeur is to forgive and forget. 


 ²⁷ If you quit listening, dear child, and strike off on your own,
   you'll soon be out of your depth. 


proverbs 27, the msg. 


 ⁹ Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight,
   a sweet friendship refreshes the soul. 


¹⁹ Just as water mirrors your face,
   so your face mirrors your heart. 



 ²¹ The purity of silver and gold is tested
   by putting them in the fire;
The purity of human hearts is tested
   by giving them a little fame. 

babies and science

The initial dreams filling my sleep last night were filled with babies running around and microscopic cells floating everywhere, which are probably good indicators of what has filled my time this past week.  Babysitting and science, both of which have introduced me to new people with whom I now spend the majority of my time, despite the fact that we are all practically strangers with not much chance of getting to know each other too well.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I guess I'm getting to know the babies pretty well considering that I change their diapers, learn what foods they like, understand the limitations they have physically right now but also learn how their individual personalities try to fight against those limitations.  That's pretty intimate. 

I have questions about this season.  I used to feel bad for questioning things, for wanting to know why things happened in a certain way, a specific order.  Yet, people ask questions of seasons in nature all the time.  Why did the leaves on the trees change color?  Why is there snow in the winter?  Why do certain animals go south when the weather turns cold, or even hibernate for months, avoiding the cold altogether?    If these questions, as simple as the ones I picked may seem, were never asked, then we would have never explored the possibilities of what makes seasons work and what makes them different from each other. And so I don't feel bad anymore about my curiosity.  I don't feel bad asking God why, even if the answer doesn't make sense for a long time, or if the only answer I get is, "I'm good.  I've got you.  Just wait and see what's right around the corner."  A father's exhortation not to give up.  To know he's there.  To know he already sees what is ahead and has already made the provision. 

disequilibrium

...

that feeling of never finding your footing?  Or feeling like you've just found it, only to lose it a second later by some slight rush of wind? 

I feel like that's been my year. 

Once again, I'm feeling that sensation of being caught between something that was and something that is becoming.

Which makes me wonder why it is this very (uncomfortable) sensation that seems to be a key factor in pulling out hidden parts of who we are...things that we would have never had the courage to step into, if it wasn't for the already terrifying feeling of lost footing?

So maybe in the end, the terrifying feeling is actually a brilliant inciter to new discovery when looked at in the proper way. 

---

learning to embrace the challenge.  and not walk away.

science as art

A new adventure has captured my attention in the last few months, one that involves an area of learning that is very new to me: science.  After hours and hours of research and trying to convince myself that I had it in me to take on a new challenge, I finally decided that not trying would be the thing I would regret most looking back on my life years from now, so I enrolled as a science in the evening student at University of Maryland and decided to get on the adventure train again.

(Yes, I can now wear a Maryland Terps shirt to one of their sports games and feel legit).

Last night I sat through a three hour chemistry lecture, tonight through a three hour biology lecture.  The program is a post-bacc program, so all of the students in my classes are similar to me in the fact that they already have a degree, yet I can imagine that all of our stories contain very different elements, making it all the more exciting.

For me, as someone who spent the last three years of life learning and discovering the power of story, immersed in artistic communities and participating (or often just listening when the subject was just too far beyond my knowledge base) in the conversations that they engage in about culture and the presentation/communication of philosophies, I wondered how difficult it would be to step into a world that I often view as lacking in artistry.

All I know is that after just a few weeks of independent study of science related topics, and now with taking science courses, wonder is the feeling that I most often encounter.  Learning about the anatomy of the human body, the make up of an atom, DNA, molecules, etc...no wonder so many "artists" often made some of the biggest impacts in the world of science.  It is fascinating!  The handiwork of God is everywhere, down to the smallest detectable cell known to man, and it's hard not to feel the "creative juices" in the brain and heart start to go wild just learning about the systems that exist all around me.

As the semester progresses, I know that hard work will be required on my part to learn and hopefully eventually master the material.  However, there is such a joy in taking on this work because in the labor, there are new levels of beauty and art just waiting to be discovered.  And according to my biology teacher, science is about asking questions, and that is one skill that I know how to use.  I'm excited to see where this adventure takes me, and to see science come alive as something points to a Creator who is so full of love and life and wholeness.

"When I thought 'My foot slips,'

your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.

When the cares of my heart are many,

your consolations cheer my soul."

-Psalm 94:18-19

seeing the adventure

"Every great story has its battles, and every great story is filed with adventure. This is why we love fairy tales, romances, epics, histories, westerns, biographies--any story worth its telling. The Bible is absolutely rife with this sort of drama. We come to love the hero and heroine because they rise up to face all that the story requires of them. This is deep in the human race; the longing was given to us on the day of our Creation.

After God fashioned this dazzling earth, he gave it to us. Which is a bit like giving your fifteen year old the keys to a Maserati. But, he has his ways of doing things. When God gave us the earth, he also gave us all of the adventures that lay ahead. No one had yet climbed a mountain, or sailed the sea. No one had yet written a song or a novel. No one had yet discovered that strawberries make wonderful jam. God has 'hidden' joys innumerable in the earth he gave us, like Easter eggs waiting to be found in tall grass. Someone will figure out you can milk the cow, and if you let the milk sit you can skim cream off the top, and someone else will discover that the cream goes wonderfully in coffee.

The earth is rigged for adventure, like a sailboat. And our hearts have adventure written deep within, like sailors hear the call of the sea."

excerpt from Love & War by John and Stasi Eldredge

teach me again

the power of the forgiven's song.

No Ceiling lyrics,

by Eddie Vedder

Comes the morning

When I can feel

That there's nothing

Left to be concealed

Moving on,

a scene surreal

Know my heart will never

Never be far from here

Sure as I'm breathing

Sure as I'm sad

I'll keep this wisdom

In my flesh

I leave here believing

More than I had

And there's a reason I'll be

Reason I'll be back

As I walk

the hemisphere

Got my wish

to up and disappear

I been wounded

I been healed

Now for landing I been

Landing I been cleared

Sure as I'm breathing

Sure as I'm sad

I'll keep this wisdom

Iin my flesh

I leave here believing

More than I had

This love has got

No ceiling

marked by joy

Tonight, a friend of mine who is preparing to move back to England came over to my house to hang out for a bit. She is one of the smartest people I know, and so full of faith. Her presence is an inspiration.

We talked about various things, including my trip to Mexico, and her coming transition to a new job in England.

The conversation soon arrived at a discussion of why it is so hard sometimes to move on, to say "See you later" to a time you've loved fully, and follow God into new seasons and places. Leaving Mexico was really hard for me. In just 10 days, I felt so much love grow in my heart for the land and the people, and I felt that love reciprocated from some of the most generous people I've ever met. I not only made friends, I developed a love and affection for brothers and sisters. They may live in a different culture, yet we are all compelled by the same desire to see our true homeland, heaven, come and invade the earth.

It is hard to leave a place like that. It is hard to wave a goodbye, knowing full well that for the rest of your life, the faces and experiences of that time will stick with you, even if your own face is forgotten by them. Getting on the plane to leave Mexico felt less like leaving, and more like carrying forever a prayer for the church there, a longing for them to forever walk in the beauty of Jesus. And maybe that's the problem. Maybe where some people can leave a place, I instead carry places and people with me. I forget lots of things, but I don't forget the people who make it into my heart.

My friend understood, and that's why I knew I could talk to her about it. She could relate to the achy feeling that is present during transition. Even the thought of her being around for just another month, or even less, was another example of someone who is special to my heart needing to go elsewhere to follow God's lead.

But as I was saying goodnight to her, something started to stir in my heart, like a revelation that I was so in need of remembering...

"The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness."

-Sheldon Vanauken

There is a joy that Christians should possess in their love that surpasses human understanding, that even in parting and painful geographic separation, that joy is evident because it is so excited to release another to fulfill the plans of God. Tonight, I think I came to the realization that part of the reason for that joy is that in the end, we get to spend FOREVER together...with Christ and with the whole family. There is a bond in Christ's love that speaks of promises to come, of a homeland that doesn't end, where all the cultural separations and language barriers and geographical distances no longer matter. I look forward to that day, and it spurs me on to want to follow God even more radically, because I know that whatever the cost may be, the end of the story is more than worth it, even if it means temporary pain and loneliness.

So those are my rambling, underdeveloped thoughts for the evening. I'll probably go spend some more time processing what I just wrote, letting it seep into my heart and bring out deeper levels of courage to obey.

reading a book on Leonardo Da Vinci

The Seven Da Vincian Principles:

Curiosita--An insatiably curious approach to life and an unrelenting quest for continuous learning.

Dimostrazione-- A commitment to test knowledge through experience, persistence, and a willingness to learn from mistakes.

Sensazione--The continual refinement of the senses, especially sight, as the means to enliven experience.

Sfumato (literally "Going up in Smoke")-- A willingness to embrace ambiguity, paradox, and uncertainty.

Arte/Scienze-- The development of the balance between science and art, logic and imagination. "Whole-braing" thinking.

Corporalita--The cultivation of grace, ambidexterity, fitness, and poise.

Connessione-- A recognition of and appreciation for the interconnectedness of all things and phenomena. Systems thinking.

"To Whom It May Concern"

Lyrics by: The Civil War Wars,

from their new Barton Hollow album

Why are you so far from me?

In my arms is where you ought to be

How long will you make me wait?

I don't know how much more I can take

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do

Slowly counting down the days

Till I finally know your name

Ooo the way your hand feels round my waist

The way you laugh

The way your kisses taste

I missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

How I do, How I do

I've missed you

But I haven't met you

Oh I missed you

I haven't met you

Oh but I want to

Oh how I want to

Dear whoever you might be

I'm still waiting patiently.

We have all of these philosophies, carefully formed, intellectually and tenaciously pursued, put into intricate detail with fine sounding words and eloquently strung together sentences. Many of these philosophies are correct, based in truth, even inspiring. Yet in all the effort to live up to them, there is a consistent falling short, a seamless and constant need for grace. Not just grace for our own journey, but grace for others. Grace for the pursuit of truth, and grace in the midst of the desire to live out all that is revealed.