"Outside of You, I'm Lost"

It's almost August and a lot in my life is about to change.  In organic chemistry we learned about these little titratable protons that are easily removed from a molecule to form something new.  They kind of remind me of a loose tooth just holding on until it encounters an apple. Life on the edge of a cliff, ready to free fall (with a parachute of course!).   Every time we've gone over reactions in the last few weeks, I've had to push away the urge to get lost in writer's mode, creating essays and poems on why I feel just like that titratable proton--right on the verge of being removed by strong force to enter a new world.  I may be failing a class for the first time in my life, which is incredibly humbling, but at least I'm getting some nice life analogies out of it.  Too bad most people don't want to compare life to molecules.

Twenty five is turning out to be a strange age on my life timeline.  It's been hard, but not altogether terrible.  The bad has catalyzed many reactions that are forcing me to make some changes.  My mom isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore, and I'm pretty sure it's not going back on her finger.  That's a really strange thing to deal with when you are half way through your twenties and living back at home.  So much for coming home after college to get grounded and stabilized.

In a month, my mom will be driving a U-haul across the country to California, and since I don't have a better plan in the works, I've decided that I might as well jump in and go along for the ride.  East Coast to West Coast.  Over the course of the past few months, I've considered the possibility of living in almost every state (except the middle ones--I'm sorry guys!), teaching overseas with my newly gained TEFL certification, finding a rich husband. For all the plans I've gone through in my mind, none of them seem incredibly sound (except the rich husband?), and my motive for developing them reflects a heart that keeps running away instead of letting God come in and heal what's broken and missing.

But if I keep running, I'm going to have a breakdown, which is something I've had to finally own up to.  Even marathoners can't run nonstop (and I am definitely not anywhere close to the stamina level of a marathoner).  Today I drove a  bit through the backroads of Maryland.  The east coast is gorgeous.  I am forever astounded by the GW parkway, the drive up to New England, the drive through the hills of West Virginia, the historical wealth of DC.  But I still couldn't shake the feeling of how desperately I need a change, not because I'm bored, but because I feel like the life flow of my heart is at stake.  And when the heart disengages, it's game over.  In just a few months, my Maryland license expires.  I'm not going to renew it.  I'm not sure where I'll take up residency, but there is something both freeing and scary about the finality of that decision.

The only thing that I know for sure is that I'm in search of my center.  I'm in search of what wholeness looks like--the shalom that God gives.  Nothing missing, nothing broken.  That's a concept that has always deeply touched my heart, but I want it to be more than a concept now.  I want it to invade my life.  The perfect peace of God that restores wonder, awe, faith, a belief in goodness.  I've decided to lay down my plan making and calculated moves for a while, and just learn to live from my heart again. I'm not sure what that looks like.  Maybe for me, it looks like roadtrips up and down route 1, visits to see a  heart friend in Seattle, learning how to surf, kayaking, hiking, writing, playing the piano, becoming fluent in Spanish, sending hand written letters to all my dear friends who I thank God for all the time, taking that random trip to Montana.  Who knows.  But I want to feel real joy and God hope again, and I'm willing to leave the comfort of all that is familiar if that's what it's going to take to make space for that to happen.

Since nobody really reads my blog, this is more just my own way of saying, "Shew.  I finally found some words to express all that."

Cheers to better blogs to come.