i wrap myself up

inside the song of Your salvation.

Establishing Covenant

Deuteronomy 7 and 8 have been big time on my mind lately. It's like those chapters encapsulate the age old tendency of man to forget all that God has done, bringing us out of Egypt.

yet, there is such hope! Because He encourages us to remember, which means, there is the ability to keep our eyes on Him and not forget. I love how he says to Israel in chapter 8, verse 18 "And you shall remember the Lord your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day."

That makes me want to do a word study on covenant. What was the covenant that was sworn to the fathers of the faith? How should that impact my life today?

Selah.

Covenant:

1) covenant, alliance, pledge
1a) between men
1a1) treaty, alliance, league (man to man)
1a2) constitution, ordinance (monarch to subjects)
1a3) agreement, pledge (man to man)
1a4) alliance (of friendship)
1a5) alliance (of marriage)
1b) between God and man
1b1) alliance (of friendship)
1b2) covenant (divine ordinance with signs or pledges)
2) (phrases)
2a) covenant making
2b) covenant keeping
2c) covenant violation

more than anything else.

I want to know You. More than I want a career and education. More than I want a family. More than I want to make a difference in my generation. More than all of that, I want to know You. If it is said of me at the end of my life, "She is a friend of God! A true daughter." that will be fulfillment.

I don't know what it looks like.

but I know it's worth waiting for.

worth living for.

• 
  

I remain confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

• 
  

Lots of plans have cycled in my mind in my twenty-four years of life. At seventeen, I was sure that by now I would be in medical school, preparing to go onto the mission field to use my hands to help heal. Then, I went to Bible School where I became unsure of what I was really to do. Government, international relations, history, english, no college? I didn’t even consider studying journalism or going to film school, until a trip to Honduras revealed that my heart was being drawn to the stories all around me--and a passion to find ways to tell those stories started exploding in my planning process. I laid down the dream of medicine to pursue storytelling.

In the two years I spent focused primarily on the aesthetics of film and the art of a story (an art to which I am still an amateur), something happened. An idea (insert an illustration of a lightbulb) started developing in my mind of how to merge the two together. Medicine can minister healing to the physical body, but in a way, so can a story. Many things go hand in hand in life, but sometimes we just don’t know it until we’ve walked through certain experiences, engaged in specific conversations, walked into a moment that was once mysterious but finds illumination.

A story has the power to heal. It has the power to do a lot of other things, many of them damaging, but then, so does theology, education, medicine, exercise, eating. It’s how the tool is used that brings about the results.

If someone is sick, could it be that something in their emotions is blocked or wounded, and that someone who listens to their story or shows them another story--could offer them the strength to heal?

And so begins my thoughts on this philosophy of merging two practices together in a way that brings wholeness. I’m not even sure where to begin with the study. Should I write a novel or screenplay? Should I just travel the world and ask for eyes that would see the hidden stories? Should I go to medical school? Or even business school? How will I pay for this?

And I dream all of this while still living at home at 24. That wasn’t in the plans. Yet, deep down in my heart, I know that God doesn’t look at me with thoughts of deep failure. He looks at me with thoughts of what’s to come--what the journey thus far is bringing me into--and also thoughts full of so much love for where I am at right now.

So if it’s true that we should dream bigger than what we can accomplish on our own, here’s a toast to those dreams. It’s scary to dream big as I grow older. With each application I send into a company, I feel my world growing smaller and smaller. I feel the desire to travel and create becoming less likely. Yet, I know that God has called me to live in a broad place where those dreams are allowed to take root and flourish.

And even in the middle of those feelings of wanting to go explore distant lands, meet new people, bring hope to places where there is none left...I also realize that the place I find myself right now holds so many secrets. Secrets of happiness--of embracing a quiet and peaceful life--of craving the simple, and being done with all the rest. Which makes all the dreaming less like striving and more like...prayer? Like a nice, on going conversation with Abba. Which makes everything a whole lot less terrifying and constricting, and it also makes me enjoy the now.

• 
  

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

-psalm 27

"For broken dreams the key is dream again and deeper"

C.S. Lewis

"Our voyage had commenced, and at last we were away, gliding through the clean water, past the reeds. Care was lifted from our shoulders, for we were free from advice, pessimism, officialism, heat and hot air."

-K. Adlard Coles

In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. - Mark Twain

It is only in folk tales, children's stories, and the journals of intellectual opinion that power is used wisely and well to destroy evil. The real world teaches very different lessons, and it takes wilful and dedicated ignorance to fail to perceive them. - Noam Chomsky

"If you assume that there is no hope, you guarantee that there will be no hope. If you assume that there is an instinct for freedom, that there are opportunities to change things, then there is a possibility that you can contribute to making a better world."

— Noam Chomsky

Cracks of My Heart

Fact: a piece of information about circumstances that exist or events that have occurred.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

• There Are An Estimated 200,000 Young Women And Children From Nepal Being Held Prisoners In Brothels In India At This Moment
• Over 50% Of All Human Trafficking Victims Are Children
• Over 100,000 Of Our Own Young Women And Children Are Subject To Commercial Sexual Exploitation In The United States Every Year
• Approximately 20,000 Individuals Are Trafficked INTO The United States From Other Countries Every Year

________________________________________________________________

With social justice movements becoming a new bandwagon to jump on, it's easy sometimes to grow callused towards these numbers and treat the issues like a problem that will disappear if ignored.

But these numbers are real. They are not disappearing. The problem is more serious than we want to admit.

_______________________________________________________________

I can't imagine looking back on my life 50 years from now, telling my grandchildren that I lived to provide a safe, happy life for them...and that's it. I want to leave them an inheritance that is bigger than money in a bank, real estate, tangible trinkets. God provides what we need when we seek first His Kingdom, so to worry myself about accumulating the goods of this world is a waste of energy. In His Kingdom, the throne He sits on is held up by Righteousness and Justice--and in front of Him are mercy and truth. (Psalm 89:14)

Repeat: Righteousness, Justice, Mercy, Truth.

So it's not a huge wonder that the more I seek God's presence, the more I feel my heart break for the injustices that exist on my watch.

I want my heart to break, and I don't want it to ever mend. That way, in the cracks, the lives of the broken can fit inside.

I want to care. I have to care. Even if it costs me. Even if it costs me everything.

The inheritance I want to leave: live bravely, not safely. Do what's right. Love the unlovely. Help those in need. Run hard after God.

All the rest will take care of itself.

Reformer Generation

You are a generation called to be reformers...

The Sea

"To young men contemplating a voyage I'd say go."

-Joshua Slocum

"I once knew a writer who, after saying beautiful things about the sea, passed through a Pacific hurricane, and he became a changed man."

-Joshua Slocum

I wonder if Joan of Arc ever thought as a little girl that she would fight for the freedom of a whole nation.

Or if President George Washington ever felt set apart for something important as a little boy.

Or if the martyrs through the ages who have given their lives for the sake of the Gospel felt God brand their hearts with His love, and fill them with courage to stand no matter what they faced.

I wonder what the world changers of today are experiencing right now, as God sets them apart for His purposes. ..

Jolted Back

Today, I told a friend about waking up worried about the fact that I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. His answer jolted me back to the reality of God's character and of His Kingdom...

"I'm excited BECAUSE I don't know what I am doing in life next!! Hahaha. Life is an adventure and nothing is better than being blown by the wind! I look at it this way...Eternity is now. Heaven is our home. My life is not my own, only what we do for Him matters, and I just want to be like Him, hear HIs voice and obey His commands. The world is about striving and becoming 'something' but the Kingdom is opposite the kingdom of the world. I mean seriously? What else is there to live for? Nothing else can satisfy, no money, no car, no job, no house, no popularity. None of that matters!! Even in the church, I am seeing more and more of the church look like the world and it's all about 'making your ministry' and pleasing clientele. We need to wake up. I need to wake up, and see the Kingdom that is within. That's what we need to conform our life to. Not to please people or the well minded. You can never rationalize God's thoughts...So much higher than ours. All we can do is surrender, let go, and say yes to His plan, whatever it is...Perspectives need to change how we see and view life and realize there is nothing to fear. He is our source/provider and the one that makes a way out of no way! There is so much more and I know He is calling all of us up higher! So see beyond the window of our own perspective and feel the wind of His spirit! :) He spoke certain things over you before you were born!! That's who you are! Be who you are...just be. Be still and know that He is God...Be still and know that He is...Be still and know...Be still...Be....hahaha."

That was enough to get me fired up again for this great adventure of loving Jesus!

psalm 84:5

"Those who find their strength [joyful boldness] in You, have set their hearts on a pilgrimage [a thoroughfare, a turnpike, a staircase; to be mounted up or lifted up to a higher place]."

find something worth fighting for

"A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

John Stuart Mill

Our every breath

is a murmuring of His name, YWHW.

best argument: completeness

"The best argument for Christianity is Christians: their joy, their certainty, their completeness. But the strongest argument against Christianity is also Christians--when they are sombre and joyless, when they are self-righteous and smug in complacent consecration, when they are narrow and repressive, then Christianity dies a thousand deaths. But, though it is just to condemn some Christians for these things, perhaps, after all, it is not just, though very easy, to condemn Christianity itself for them. Indeed, there are impressive indications that the positive quality of joy is in Christianity--and possibly nowhere else. If that were certain, it would be proof of a very high order"

— Sheldon Vanauken

Welcomed to the Party With Open Arms

But you'll welcome us with open arms
when we run for cover to you.
Let the party last all night!
Stand guard over our celebration.
You are famous, God, for welcoming God-seekers,
for decking us out in delight.

-Psalm 5:11-12, the msg.

all the words are gone

• How long I'm back home: indefinite hours that will probably turn into months and possibly a year.
• How many times I've changed my blog background in a matter of five minutes due to a combination of boredom and perfectionism and not wanting to face up to the fact that I don't actually want to do anything mentally stimulating: six times (and counting)
• How much I'm disliking words right now: a lot.
• What I'm doing about it: absolutely nothing.

Lately, I have been unable to write anything that actually requires thought. I can't hold a socially acceptable conversation. I run out of something to say about a minute into a conversation and become incredibly exhausted after just talking for 15 minutes, even though I desperately want to show other people that I care about them and what is important to them.

And I went to college to become a journalist.

Awesome.

Wish I would have known this long-winded writer's block was going to happen before I declared my major. Maybe biological research would be the place for me.

At least I like to ask questions? haha.

---

Despite my frustrations with having a hard time communicating things right now, I'm actually incredibly thankful to be home, with a chance to regroup. I am thankful that my parents are welcoming me with open arms, and that I can spend more time with them before the next move. Sometimes I feel like that move may take me far away...but this I do not know for a fact, nor have I heard God say that. It's just a feeling a get sometimes. But God knows what's up. Maybe He's not letting me write so that He can bring me to a place of writing the things I was created to write.

We shall see. And I am excited. I just hope I can break out of this perfectionist blockage once and for all. It's really quite annoying to be too scared to start something because you might not do it perfectly the first time. That would be the disease I want healed this year.

Come now & join the feast
From the greatest to the very least
Come now & join the feast
Right here in the belly of the beast.

Patriots you can bring your flags,
We'll be washing feet and will need some rags...

-- Shane Claiborne

"I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me."

-Roy Croft

Fighting for Freedom

The story of William Wallace and Sir Robert the Bruce has long been an inspiration to me, which was most likely influenced initially by the movie Braveheart.

When I was 17, I went off to a Bible School for a two year span that ended up changing my life. I went as a shy girl, not believing in myself, with a wrecked sense of identity. I left two years later knowing that I had a voice, and knowing that I was called to take the best of my natural heritage and the best of the heritage that I adopted while a student...and change the world for Jesus. I knew that as quiet as I may be, there was still something fierce in me to see my generation walk in freedom. It feels like ages ago since I was 19, and so much has happened in my life since then--which is exactly as it should be, I suppose. That's called growing.

I've met professors who have been mentors, friends who have been catalysts to character growth, situations that were uncomfortable and demanded more perseverance than I thought I could muster. But the foundation that God established in my life during those two years is such a key part of my destiny. It's the place where the Holy Spirit started opening up scripture to me about Sonship and started showing me through the teachings of those much wiser than me, that our lives are meant to be instruments of justice.

When I left, a spiritual mom of mine gave me a miniature replica of Sir Robert the Bruce's sword that she received while in Scotland, where a team was pioneering justice churches in England. For her, it represented justice and it was a symbol of the call of God upon her life to be an instrument of justice, as well as impact a generation with justice and mercy--to fight for the freedom of a generation. I remember how honored I felt to receive something so precious, and even more-so, I will never forget what the sword meant symbolically for my life. With the sword I was given a card that said:

"I want to pass this prophetic symbol, as a legacy, onto you--a daughter in Zion, one who has a hear for justice, wants to life her voice for those who have none, one who will build platforms for others, and one who will continually recklessly abandon yourself to the Lord!"

On the inside of the box where the sword is held, there is a quote from the Declaration of Arboath. It says, "we fight not for glory nor wealth nor honors, but for freedom alone which no good man surrenders but with life itself." Right after that, there is a brief summary of the story of the day the Scots gained their independence from England. They were outnumbered 4 to 1, against one of the greatest military forces of the world, with not much chance for victory. However, legend has it that:

"After being defeated at a battle, Bruce escaped and found a hideout in a cave. Hiding in a cave for three months, Bruce was at the lowest point of his life. He thought about leaving the country and never coming back.

While waiting, he watched a spider building a web in the cave's entrance. The spider fell down time after time, but finally he succeeded with his web. So Bruce decided also to retry his fight and told his men: "If at first you don't succeed, try try and try again".

It's an old legend, but I want to believe that there is a lot of truth to the story--that he really did find a way to reach a deep inner strength and determination, leading his men and nation to victory.

As I look at both our culture and my own need to make some decisions, it's hard to not feel some heaviness. However, this story reminds me every time I think of it that persevering is worth it, even when others don't understand. Maybe sometimes it's necessary to go into the cave for a time and get struck by the wonder of a small spider, in order to gain strength for the big battle ahead. God knows what He is doing.

Even still, I keep moving where I feel peace, whether that means staying home for a year or moving to an unknown land. Taking risks while being led forth with peace and joy--it seems like a paradox, but maybe it really isn't. Either way, I will not let the cry die inside of my heart that fluctuates between a yell and a whisper, "There is a cause!" and that it is worth giving everything.

So as I move into this new season beyond graduation and my first job, not knowing what to expect ahead, I thank God for reminding me again and again of this story--and for giving me the courage to keep pursuing the Kingdom first, above all else.

Amen.

relationships vs. rules

Over the past few days, there has been a consistent theme that keeps showing up. This quote sums it up:

"It is true that relationships are a whole lot messier than rules, but rules will never give you answers to deep questions of the heart and they will never love you." The Shack

I've never read the Shack. I realize that it's become quite controversial in some Christian circles, but since the author never intended the book to be something people base their theology on, I think it's safe to say that he is an artist who wrote a story. And I can learn something from that story. I read this quote from the book the other day, and it lined up with something that I'd been reading earlier this week about creating a culture of honor in your life.

It's not rules that make us want to protect a relationship. It's not rules that make us want to follow God. It's love.

write every day down

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Hm3QdM_lEY&feature=related

found this in my basement

While cleaning up the basement, I found several old journals and some old school notebooks. I opened up the notebook from the very first journalism class that I took several years ago at Frederick Community College, and found this in the middle, surrounded by empty pieces of paper.

"Boxes are meant to be broken. Life tries to put us in a lot of boxes. I want to live with as few boxes as possible--jumping out of them, and if they are too big, finding some way to climb out."

Guess it's time to take reminder from my younger self literally.

contemplating

how art can contribute to peacemaking.

i concur.

If I get married, I want to be very married.

[audrey hepburn]

a new journal and a new toothbrush

1-1-11

Here I am at the first day of 2011, along with everyone else in the world, whether or not they keep time in the same way. I will never get to live this day again. Or any day for that matter, but I guess it being the first of the year AND being all the same numbers makes it extra fun to note.

Today marks the beginning of a new year, a new decade.

I decided to throw a lot of things away today, an incredibly therapeutic activity. I still need to go through drawers of clothing and get rid of things that don't fit anymore, as well as the clothing I just haven't worn. I'm realizing how much I don't need, which is making me all the more thankful for the things that I do need--most of them not tangible. It's crazy the flimsy fabrication of safety that is made with the tangibles in life--and how easy it is to waste our whole lives working for those things that make us feel safe, while the living is done outside of that poorly made blanket.

I decided that in addition to filling up trash bags, I would also start the new year off right with a brand new toothbrush! Yes! And a brand new notebook journal (because for some reason I have a hard time writing in the fancy ones). So it's looking like clean teeth and fresh thoughts are coming my way. I'm hoping that the thoughts will be full of revelation from God and also revelation of myself--thoughts that will lead into healing and wholeness and purpose.

Well...here's to 2011. The truth is, I mostly wrote this blog so that I could write 1/1/11. Cheers to what is to come! And thank God for His faithfulness in the last year.

miraculously whole

"without any doubt he was
whatever(first and last)

most people fear most:
a mystery for which iv'e
no word except alive
—that is,completely alert
and miraculously whole;"

[e.e.cummings]