That field didn’t grow overnight. That garden didn’t bloom in a second. That tree took years to grow. History can change in one moment—but only after several moments that built up to that one. That diamond was forged under extreme pressure to become a treasure. That building’s most important aspect is its foundation—and without it, the strongest of structures would crumble in a short time.
21 years old. Someday I will understand. Someday, looking back on these trials and on this path God has taken me on, it will make sense. At the moment though, so many things are uncertain. So many of the puzzle pieces just don’t fit together in my mind—and it tempts me to cave into disappointment and to harden my heart from believing for the best and the most excellent way. I wonder about that—about this longing—about how easy it is for me to take my hands and try to make something happen—to reason with my own understanding instead of trusting the Creator who made me for His glory.
Yet in the uncertainty, I know that God is working. That’s not a lame attempt at trying to sound strong or spiritual. I really believe that because I’ve seen its truth throughout my life. It’s a conviction that I would die for—knowing that God is I AM and that I am the apple of His eye. He keeps the word He promises to me. He holds my life in His hands. His eyes watch my path and He guards me jealously as a shield about me and the lifter of my head.
Still, I wonder at His ways. I wonder at this path. If this is what it takes for me to discover more of who He is, then I want it to take its complete work. If it takes me feeling deep pain in order to feel the abundant life of the Kingdom and the healing power of the balm of Gilead, then God, bring on the pain. I want the death of Christ to be so worked into my life until all that people see is His life in me. If this heart ache is what I must walk through to write a book or to minister more deeply the heart of my Lover, then it’s worth it. If rejection and seemingly dashed dreams will produce a deeper well in my spirit, then it’s worth it. If the pain is creating in my heart a compassion that will love the most unlovely and go to the most broken, no matter where they may be found, it’s worth it. It’s worth it. At the end of this season, this part of the journey, I will be even more owned by God as bondservant who has CHOSEN Him, even in the hardest moments of my life. Bondservants change the world. And honestly, to be a true follower of someone, there have to be moments where the decision is hard, but you choose to remain walking in the path of the Leader. Otherwise, your following has no power to compel others to join because it has cost you nothing.
This is my stand, my position, my heart cry: that I could have more of Jesus. That I could see Him more brilliantly, more beautifully, more wonderfully than ever before. My position and statement of conviction in this wait is that God is brilliant and that He fights for His own. I can’t preach that to my generation if I don't believe it for my own life. He is growing me in wisdom and stature because He needs a warrior bride. He needs a Beloved who knows His voice and His movements. He doesn’t need anymore surface followers who run as cowards--only staying with him until it comes time to pray in Gethsemane and walk the path to Golgatha.
If these lessons are part of Him making me into someone who can stand in the midst of a godless University system and speak with a conviction that causes men to repent, then God, bring a deeper brokenness than I have ever known. If this is part of His warrior training, teaching me how to take nations and how to stand with the faith that David had when he stood as a young boy with 5 stones against Goliath, then Jesus, don’t stop working. Don’t make it easy.
Because if I've learned anything, it's in the hard times that I learn to burn. It's in the times that don't make sense that I learn to seek. It's in the disappointment that I learn how to trust anew.It's in abandonment that You come and teach me how to be a daughter. So I won't complain. Only rejoice. Only offer you thanks for all that You have done.
I want nations. I want that prostitute who is stuck in darkness and needs someone to come speak words of life that will break the chains. I want that orphan who has never known love or pure touch. I want that girl who got pregnant young and is about to get an abortion. I want the one who did get an abortion, and she’s living with the guilt of it. I want the drug addict on the street. I want the man who is in jail for life because he murdered someone—I want him to know that there is a Christ and a Lover who wants to change his life. I want the judge who is feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit and is about to make some hard decisions that could ruin his career. I want the mom whose husband just walked out on her, and she’s left in tatters, wondering what this life is all about. I want that girl who is starving and cutting herself because she has no idea who she really is. I want that boy who his contemplating suicide. I want that homeless man who has never been told that he can have a future and a hope. I want that friend of mine who just got back to her dorm, totally wasted, trying to satisfy a deep longing that is in her heart. I want that boy who was sexually abused by a church leader—one who should have shown him pure love. I want that girl whose dad is addicted to pornography, and she’s become numb to what it means to be a treasure. I want that king who has the power to shift laws and decrees for whole nations.
I want them because God wants them.
His heart burns for them—longs to set them free—to break the bondages of the enemy who has come to steal, kill, and destroy. He groans just like He did when His children were under the bondage of Egypt. He cries under the weight of such oppression, and His intercession is for their freedom. How do I know? Because I’ve felt His heart break. I’ve watched his tears fall—and I’ve had precious moments where He let me cry with Him. Maybe you think I’m crazy, but I know what I’ve experienced in the Secret Place. I know that He wants to be my friend. He laughs too, but He also cries. And just like He needed Moses, He needs me. He needs you. He IS raising up deliverers—and He’s going to ask them to do some hard things because that’s what it costs. Laid down lovers are the ones who get nations. FOR FREEDOM IT IS WORTH THE SURRENDER OF MY LIFE. I want the kingdoms of this world to become the kingdoms of my Lord and of His Christ. And I need to come to a place of such abandonment that my life means nothing to me if I truly want to see God move through me to touch those who my heart feels burdened for in this season.
So God, bring on the processing. Just like Esther, who had the fragrances rubbed and scrubbed into her before she could smell like a queen, don’t let me think that You are mean because You won’t let me take the easy way. If God wants all of me that must mean that the reverse is also true—that He wants me to want all of Him.
God, I want all of You. ALL OF YOU. Not just the parts of You that make me feel good or comfortable. I want the parts of You that offend me. I want the You that shakes up my world-view and the way I see things. If that means another valley, let me walk it. If it means more time in the wilderness so I learn to seek you harder, then God, that’s what I want. Because You, my King, are worth it—all of it—all of me. The hopes, the dreams, the fears, the questions, the longings—I lay them at your feet. Because You are the dreamer of the ultimate dreams—and only when I start dreaming those pure dreams of heaven will I truly learn what it means to dream.
So I give to you my today. And my tomorrow. And the next ten years, twenty years, thirty years, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty years…after that. For however long you see fit to let me live and breathe on this earth, I give you those days. And work inside of me the God cry and the God hunger that sets people free.
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