Kneeling by my bed on Valentine's Day as a little girl, I asked Jesus into my heart, repeating the "salvation prayer" after my mom. I once asked her if I really knew what I was doing at such a young age. She recounted to me the story of how I was fully aware of what I was asking of Jesus--for Him to come in my heart and take residence in my life--proving that Jesus' desire to captivate a life is not limited by age. Just a few years later, and I would experience the baptism of the Holy Spirit, taking me to a whole new dimension of my journey with Jesus and this adventure of discovering the Kingdom.
At two years old, I couldn't fathom the immensity of such a confession. I didn't know that, as I knelt in surrender to a King who I loved with a childlike passion, I would be tested and tried in my very commitment to that relationship time and time again. Never would I have imagined how greatly the enemy hates me, and how much he desires my eyes to turn to worthless things as my feet and hands follow suit, beginning down paths that will only lead to death. Yet, neither could I comprehend the sustaining power of the Father and the jealousy of His love--that even in the midst of warfare, that place of surrender has saved my life. Never will I fully comprehend how immensely special it is to be called the apple of my Father's eye, and to know that He dances over me with singing and sings songs of deliverance over me. Never will I have a friend as lovely as Him, or as faithful. Never will I leave His table hungry. Only God knew at the moment I gave Him my life how much I would long for Him to keep wrecking me for more of Him.
Writing this as a 21 year old who has never had a "valentine" in the natural/cultural sense of the word, I can only breath deeply with contentment. To even be able to breath is reason enough to praise Him. My eyes see fresh that place where I knelt for the very first time...and the realization that the story that brought me to my Lover happened long before I even took my first breath. To think that a King came in humility and gentleness to die for a lost people causes my knees to give way once again under the awesomeness of that love--under the holiness of His purity and character.
My heart burns with the question, "Who am I, that you should love me the way you do?" Yet in His eyes I see no desire to humiliate me or to point out my imperfections. I see only burning passion. And His words echo in my heart in a way that brings a rest and security that only He can bring: "I am yours, and you are mine."
Surrender can be hard. Walking away from the past and from bondage can sometimes feel impossible. Yet, when you look into those eyes, none of those things seem as powerful or compelling. When you've lived through lonely days of sadness--to know that there is one whose presence is satisfying to the very depth of your heart, and that you have a friend who will always be there, laughing when you laugh, crying when you cry--nothing is worth compromising such a sacred relationship.
I don't know if anyone reads my blogs. I don't even know if anyone ever will. But Jesus, this is written in rememberance of You. This is written to acknowledge YOu--to thank You--to remind my heart that You are always and forever enough. I love You, Jesus. And I ask that the love I've felt in Your presence and as I've been blessed to walk with you daily, could be poured out on my generation--and on the nations of the earth. That Your beauty would shine brightly upon lands near and far--and that others would kneel beside their bed tonight and pray that prayer of surrender to You, the Christ. It doesn't matter if they are praying it for the first time or the millionth time. Tonight is the perfect night to kneel. Tonight is the perfect night to encounter the most perfect of all Valentines.
I love you, Jesus. I am blown away that the journey has only just begun.
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