Sometimes to beat the afternoon traffic rush in the DC area, I will head to College Park early and find a spot close to campus to study.  For some reason, libraries just haven't been working great as a place for learning information, so I've decided to keep the library as my leisure reading spot and try new places for my more intense studying.

Which is what led me to McDonald's on University Blvd.  Definitely a spot to engage in hardcore studying.  

Before going, I called one of my sisters because I felt unfocused and out of sorts (which has become more common than not lately).  She prayed for me, but the only part of the prayer I remember was when she asked God to give me divine appointments.  

Sadly, I have to admit, when she prayed for me to run into people who could help refocus me, my mind instantly went to visions of well known professors or experts in a field.  Those are respectable people, and what a great goal it is to find favor with them.  Right?  Well, I took it as such and then proceeded to enter the fast food chain, full of visions of the greatness to come.  

After ordering iced tea and oatmeal (awesome combination, eh?), I took a seat by a window, in a booth next to an older gentleman with a cane.  We exchanged polite pleasantries, and then I sat down, pulling out my material with a little too much force.  I was determined to learn how to find electrons in an element, and I settled it in my mind that in an hour, I would become a master in electron hunting and finding.  

About ten minutes into it, things were far from registering.  Every word felt like it was part of a new language-.  As I sat there, acting like I understood everything I was reading (as a nice little show for the others in the McDonalds), I noticed a man was standing close by, sipping on a smoothie.  

He saw me look up, and as soon as that happened, my little world of chemistry and me was over.  His questions began, "So, what is it you are studying?" As he asked the question, I noticed that his teeth had the markings of severe neglect, and from his outside appearance, I concluded that it may be a result of drug use as a young man.  I wasn't sure, but all of a sudden, I felt something tug at my heart, "Don't miss this moment.  Don't overlook this guy."  So I engaged my heart in what he had to say, using all the active listening signals that my mom taught me growing up, as a way to show someone, "Hey, I hear you!  You are important.  What is on your mind?"  

He told me about how he studied chemistry in high school and remembered some of it still.  Also, he commented on how my choice of oatmeal was a good and healthy one. Then he told me about his interests in third world hunger and finding ways to address those problems. From the conversation, I gathered that he has lived in several nations where he has seen these problems first hand. Then, in his normal conversational tone, he told me about how he is a Christian, and even though he sees the problems in the world, he wants to see the Kingdom of God encounter them.  

I noticed that as we spoke, people started looking at us.  I think mostly they wanted to see if I would give the guy the time of day, given that he had a certain homeless quality to him.  It made me want even more to show this guy that what he had to say was important.  If they only knew that it was actually me who would leave thankful that he gave me the time of day.

It's a good thing I decided to listen to that voice tugging at my heart, "Pay attention."  It's a good thing I didn't let my ambition to find favor with the "high ups" in society stop me from finding favor with a "high up" in the true economy of greatness.  That man left that day by saying, "Good luck in your studies, Caitlin."  And I said to him, "Best of luck to you too, Jay."  I don't think I'll ever forget him.  He embodied something truly beautiful.  Something that only heaven can really comprehend, yet I can ask for eyes that see like heaven sees.  Eyes that didn't see Jay's teeth or unkept hair as reasons to barely put up with his story--but saw him, Jay, a son of God.

A few minutes later, the older gentleman with the cane got up to leave.  As he passed me, he glanced over and said, "Have a good day" and smiled. Such beauty.  

Those were divine appointments in which I saw God's brilliance.  I don't know what exactly, but something in me was touched deeply that day. The poor in spirit get the Kingdom.  Selah. 

"They say that home is where the heart is/ I guess I haven't found my home./ And we keep driving round in circles, afraid to call this place our home.

And are we there yet?

They say there's linings made of silver, folded inside each raining cloud.  Well, we need someone to deliver our silver lining now.

And are we there yet?
home, home, home.

They say you're really not somebody, until somebody else loves you.  Well, I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon.

home, home, home."

daily commute

Driving has become one of my current part time jobs.

Commuting 8-10 hours a week provides good solo time that's almost like an exercise in getting re-aquainted with myself in the midst of a hectic schedule.  Maybe that's what alone time is and why it's so needed--a chance to not forget who you are and what you're about--to not become a stranger to yourself in a world that won't slow down unless you make an intentional fight for things to be still for a moment.

That hour to school and hour back are filled with various things, whether it be listening to NPR, music, silence, or a new added activity: books on cd.  I used to hate books on cd, but I've decided that since I don't have much time for leisure reading, maybe I can learn to enjoy an alternative to reading. This last week, I finished a book on cd about Fred Rogers called I am Proud of You and started a series of lectures on medical history.  I don't know what's happening to me, because it used to take a lot for me to cry.  Now, small things hit me as being really beautiful or sometimes really sad, and I find myself tearing up unexpectedly.  Apparently we are supposed to pay attention to tears.  They hold secrets to who we are--mysteries that only get exposed when we are sensitive to listen.

The first chapter of I am Proud of You is here: http://www.timmadigan.com/proud/excerpt.htm.  It's a beautiful portrayal of Fred Rogers and his greatness.  I found myself wanting to know someone like him, someone who was fully human, aware of the pain that goes on in life, but also full of the overcoming greatness of choosing to love despite the pain.  The tears came when the author wrote of the "supernatural love" Fred showed him.  Fred was the kind of person who was safe-- you knew that you could never lose his love.  He was known to have a unique capacity for relationship--"a fearlessness, an unashamed insistence on intimacy."  That is something that I long to be okay with--to become fearless in my relationships. "Fred wanted to know the truth of your life, the nature of your insides, and had room enough in his own spirit to embrace without judgment whatever that truth might be."

Then, I got to the lecture, and I was struck by the part about Hippocrates, who once said, “Wherever the art of Medicine is loved, there is also a love of Humanity. ” He also wrote in Aphorisms, "Life is short, and Art long; the crisis fleeting; experience perilous, and decision difficult."  I would have liked to know him too, a man who viewed medicine as the way science becomes an Art.

I'm actually looking forward to what other things I can explore on this daily commute of mine.  Inspiration finds us in such random ways, but never did I think that driving the inner loop beltway would contain actual feelings of joy.

thoughts on college ruled notebooks

Writing class notes the old fashioned way, in a college ruled notebook with a pen that makes my middle finger sore from writing with too much force, led to some interesting thoughts last night.

As I was sitting in biology class, trying hard to listen and write important information about carbohydrates and lipids and proteins while adding my own creative flair to the examples drawn on the board, my mind started to multi task with thoughts of how many years it's taken for this information to be discovered and assembled.  Not only that, but the search never ends.  Science is always asking questions, always seeking new discoveries, always ready to both add onto and reassess current information.

So inside of this three dollar notebook, I am writing down information that has been gathered over centuries, built upon through many ages.  There is a richness that lies within that perspective; one which can be applied across other areas of study.

For some reason, I am just amazed by how, inside of a cheap notebook, I can record information worth more than I can calculate.

I feel like the motto of a few generations back was very much along the lines of "work hard. sacrifice for those you love. don't expect things to come without effort."  Mostly, I base this "conclusion" from conversations I've had with my grandmother's over the years, finding out from them first hand what life was like for them and how people dealt with both the hard and beautiful things.

As I was driving home from bio lab tonight, where we talked about the application of the scientific method in scientific lab writing, I found myself making my own observations about life, particularly my own life.  

Growing up in a generation that has known computers, high tech televisions, microwaves, fast weight loss methods (that end up hurting more than helping), "no exercise" exercise plans, youtube, facebook, smart phones....and the list doesn't stop because probably at this very second, a brand new invention will further add to the "convenience" and ease of life...

we are a generation that knows how to use what another generation would call toys, and make them a central part of our existence. 

Except, where these incredible inventions have found ways to speed up processes and provide access to information that generations past never imagined could happen in their wildest dreams,  there still remains the age old truth that it takes hard work to get anywhere worth going.  As that old saying goes (oh wait, I actually can't remember it, so I will just paraphrase...), don't live for the fifteen minutes of fame. 

Maybe every hard seasons feels more difficult than the last, (so I take that into account when I make this statement)...

this is one of the harder, if not hardest, seasons of adjustment I've been through.  But I look back on all the other things that I've walked through and see how they've built and prepared me for now.  Blessings in an unexpected form.  God showing up in the more mundane things to bring wonder and brilliance and joy, teaching me how to live in His kindness even on days that feel dull and far from the destination I am trying to reach.  

Filling up my gas tank tonight after driving home from class, I found myself reflecting on how my observation of life currently is, "This is so hard."  Trying to fit work, an 8 hour a week commute, family, church, relationships, classes, studying...all into the span of just a few hours.  It's tiring.  But as I was pouring out my complaint in prayer, I started to see how my observation was correct in terms of how much is going on right now in life, but then I felt a change in my attitude towards that observation.  I started to see how my generation's "I want it now" mindset has influenced my perspective on things more than I realized.  Instead of wanting to pay the price to learn chemistry and biology, which requires hard work, I want it to all make sense right away, without any effort on my part.  Usually that's not how I approach school, but it is the attitude I am (was) embracing at that moment.  I then got even more honest with myself...

I so often start things full of big hopes and ambition, only to fizzle out.  I'm guilty of being commited to a vision that gets discouraged fast.  Whether it be training for a 5K, writing a screen play, starting a garden in the backyard, practicing piano...etc etc etc....lately I've been much more likely to cave in to disillusionment than to press through the hard parts, fueled by a bigger picture.  

So I decided that after the scientific method that I applied to my own life tonight,  the ball is in my court to make some changes.  If it wasn't hard, would it even be worth pursuing? What would a story be without some tension, without something to overcome and fight for?  

I feel a renewed sense of purpose.  And it's funny: I also feel less overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much opportunity in this season, with such room for growth in every way. It's okay that I don't understand ALL of chemistry and ALL of biology right now, at this very second.  I'll never know it all.  Learning is a process.  But if I work hard, I can learn the concepts and principles and rules that I need as building blocks for the future coursework.    And more than anything, I feel God teaching me again what it means to live underneath His smile every day--to sense His pleasure at every moment--to know that no matter what comes of life, I am His and He is mine, and that's enough. 

One day at a time. 

Amazing grace.    

Learning to discern.  Learning to press through. 

There are times when things are both hard and not right, and you need to find the courage to walk away and pursue something new, even if it's the scariest thing you've ever had to do in your life. 

Then, there are times when things are hard, but your heart says it’s right.  That’s when you dig in and fight, whether that be for a relationship, a dream, a life.  That’s when you don’t relent, no matter what, and you block out the voices of the critics, even if that means your own voice (until it starts to believe something bigger than the "realities").  You press in for grace, living like you believe God will give you everything you need and that through His strength, all really is possible. 

Daily remembering the promises.

Don't let go.  

Ravi Zacharias speaks at Yale University:

 What about those who don't believe in God?

proverbs 17, the msg. 


 ⁸ Grow a wise heart—you'll do yourself a favor; 
   keep a clear head—you'll find a good life. 


¹¹ Smart people know how to hold their tongue;
   their grandeur is to forgive and forget. 


 ²⁷ If you quit listening, dear child, and strike off on your own,
   you'll soon be out of your depth. 


proverbs 27, the msg. 


 ⁹ Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight,
   a sweet friendship refreshes the soul. 


¹⁹ Just as water mirrors your face,
   so your face mirrors your heart. 



 ²¹ The purity of silver and gold is tested
   by putting them in the fire;
The purity of human hearts is tested
   by giving them a little fame. 

babies and science

The initial dreams filling my sleep last night were filled with babies running around and microscopic cells floating everywhere, which are probably good indicators of what has filled my time this past week.  Babysitting and science, both of which have introduced me to new people with whom I now spend the majority of my time, despite the fact that we are all practically strangers with not much chance of getting to know each other too well.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I guess I'm getting to know the babies pretty well considering that I change their diapers, learn what foods they like, understand the limitations they have physically right now but also learn how their individual personalities try to fight against those limitations.  That's pretty intimate. 

I have questions about this season.  I used to feel bad for questioning things, for wanting to know why things happened in a certain way, a specific order.  Yet, people ask questions of seasons in nature all the time.  Why did the leaves on the trees change color?  Why is there snow in the winter?  Why do certain animals go south when the weather turns cold, or even hibernate for months, avoiding the cold altogether?    If these questions, as simple as the ones I picked may seem, were never asked, then we would have never explored the possibilities of what makes seasons work and what makes them different from each other. And so I don't feel bad anymore about my curiosity.  I don't feel bad asking God why, even if the answer doesn't make sense for a long time, or if the only answer I get is, "I'm good.  I've got you.  Just wait and see what's right around the corner."  A father's exhortation not to give up.  To know he's there.  To know he already sees what is ahead and has already made the provision. 

disequilibrium

...

that feeling of never finding your footing?  Or feeling like you've just found it, only to lose it a second later by some slight rush of wind? 

I feel like that's been my year. 

Once again, I'm feeling that sensation of being caught between something that was and something that is becoming.

Which makes me wonder why it is this very (uncomfortable) sensation that seems to be a key factor in pulling out hidden parts of who we are...things that we would have never had the courage to step into, if it wasn't for the already terrifying feeling of lost footing?

So maybe in the end, the terrifying feeling is actually a brilliant inciter to new discovery when looked at in the proper way. 

---

learning to embrace the challenge.  and not walk away.

science as art

A new adventure has captured my attention in the last few months, one that involves an area of learning that is very new to me: science.  After hours and hours of research and trying to convince myself that I had it in me to take on a new challenge, I finally decided that not trying would be the thing I would regret most looking back on my life years from now, so I enrolled as a science in the evening student at University of Maryland and decided to get on the adventure train again.

(Yes, I can now wear a Maryland Terps shirt to one of their sports games and feel legit).

Last night I sat through a three hour chemistry lecture, tonight through a three hour biology lecture.  The program is a post-bacc program, so all of the students in my classes are similar to me in the fact that they already have a degree, yet I can imagine that all of our stories contain very different elements, making it all the more exciting.

For me, as someone who spent the last three years of life learning and discovering the power of story, immersed in artistic communities and participating (or often just listening when the subject was just too far beyond my knowledge base) in the conversations that they engage in about culture and the presentation/communication of philosophies, I wondered how difficult it would be to step into a world that I often view as lacking in artistry.

All I know is that after just a few weeks of independent study of science related topics, and now with taking science courses, wonder is the feeling that I most often encounter.  Learning about the anatomy of the human body, the make up of an atom, DNA, molecules, etc...no wonder so many "artists" often made some of the biggest impacts in the world of science.  It is fascinating!  The handiwork of God is everywhere, down to the smallest detectable cell known to man, and it's hard not to feel the "creative juices" in the brain and heart start to go wild just learning about the systems that exist all around me.

As the semester progresses, I know that hard work will be required on my part to learn and hopefully eventually master the material.  However, there is such a joy in taking on this work because in the labor, there are new levels of beauty and art just waiting to be discovered.  And according to my biology teacher, science is about asking questions, and that is one skill that I know how to use.  I'm excited to see where this adventure takes me, and to see science come alive as something points to a Creator who is so full of love and life and wholeness.