regaining muchness

"to disturb static shadows to bring action to resting dust."
-king charles

I'd like to disturb static shadows. To bring action to resting dust.

To never lose the "muchness" that I'm called to live in and live from and live for...forever.

Yesterday I finished college. In a week, I receive a piece of paper that apparently means a lot, even though it could easily get consumed in a fire. And not even a big fire. A little flame could destroy that paper in a matter of seconds. Awesome.

In my searching for the right word or words to describe how I'm feeling, I find fear the most common emotion behind my train of thought. Most of the time I can't wait to get into a new season, even though it's scary. I've never been a huge fan of lingering. (Although the last two years have taught me a lot about learning the beauty of lingering).

Today, however, I find myself watching the crutch of twenty three years get thrown over a cliff and it's taking me beyond uncomfortable.

I love school because I love the world of academia. And as much as I protest bubble communities, I've found myself growing accustomed to the ones I've formed in my life. My library retreats, journalism lab evenings, close knit friends. Many of those friends keep me safe and challenge me, which is a God-send.

But at times I feel my legs growing too dependent on the safety that community provides. I feel like my stand has become weak as my muscles have been given to laziness.

I want to know this...
that from here on out I will learn how to stand.

My mom told me a story when I turned sixteen. In a card she wrote out a story about the day I was born. I was a breach baby and I would not turn around in her womb. The doctor tried everything to get me to face the correct way, but I wouldn't respond. My mom told me that I was determined to stand.

Yet, standing is uncomfortable. At least for me. I find myself more a coward than a person with conviction; more an excuse maker than a standard keeper.

Yes, I believe in grace. But a grace that empowers, not a grace that enables me to stay in the mess of sin and confusion that wants to kill me.

I guess the point of all these thoughts is mostly that I want to live a life that disturbs static shadows and awakens resting dust. I don't know exactly what that means. But I am starting to learn what it doesn't mean.

I want the muchness back. The muchness that believes all is possible. The muchness that fights for justice and believes in honor. The muchness that speaks life and not death, that hopes for the best, that holds onto the promise of better things to come, that believes that there is still good in the world and that people are worth fighting for.

But more than anything, the muchness kind of life that follows Jesus everywhere. Even if that means giving up everything.