uncertain

I took a personality test once that told me I have a difficult time with uncertainty. Apparently I don't have a hard time taking risks as long as I am certain about an outcome. And as I write that, i realize that's not much of a risk at all. It's actually quite a safe way to live.

I'll jump out of a plane as long as I know I won't hit the ground at a billion miles per hour and die instantly. I'll fall in love as long as I know my heart won't be broken. I'll go to graduate school as long as I know i won't fail. I'll move to a random place as long as I know I won't end up homeless. I'll let people in to my heart as long as I know they won't walk away. I'll serve God as long as I know He won't disappoint.

I read that and I think "coward". Amazingly I think God calls me by a different name and gives me a different description. He sees someone who is growing in faith--who wants to be brave and not safe--who wants to trust Him with everything. And I think to that He says "beloved" and then proceeds to say, "you don't need to be afraid. I'm here. Forever."

Forever. That's the part that makes me come undone. That's the part that challenges my fear of the uncertain and the unknown.

A lot is uncertain and unknown right now. Where I'll live after graduation. How I'll pay off my loans. How I'll get established in life. If I should really make "getting established" a goal in life. Should I adopt the hippie lifestyle? I mean, I'm down with growing my own food and making my own clothes. Sounds awesome. But how do I know that I'm really following God?

Questions plague me. Different scenarios and outcomes to those scenarios sometimes try to steal my sleep.

But I'm growing. I'm trusting. I'm embracing the fact that this life is full of uncertain elements. And God is there in the midst of it all, teaching me how to fly.