after the storm, i look up

Tonight was one of those pre-graduation scares. The kind that make you wonder if you will actually get to graduate.

After sitting in the animation lab for four hours to edit the interview footage for my senior project, I went to render and do a final save on the work in progress. Somehow it did not save properly and all those hours of work became obsolete. Fun times. (Did i mention that I hate editing?)

As I put my head on the table in misery, my friend austin went to the white board and started to write out two columns. One said hate. The other love. And he started making a list. Then he handed me the marker. It was my turn.

Somehow my world got a lot bigger in that moment. The project still mattered, but my life didn't feel like it depended on it anymore. And I started to connect with my heart. Finally. It's amazing how a break from technology can help you feel a little more deeply and honestly.

So here I continue. The things I love, hate, regret, wish.


Hate...
editing
injustice
emotional constipation
manipulation
striving
deceit
fame used poorly
when I don't take the time to really see someone
masks (mine especially)
my selfish ambitions
fear
when hearts are broken and never learn to dream again
when people feel worthless
when people feel left out
when I miss the point

love...
adventures
my friends
my family
the grace of God
being a daughter
trains
water
innocence
sincerity
fire
passion
getting to watch people do the things they love
purity
honor

regret...
not learning to play an instrument
quitting volleyball
giving up on my dream of med school
underestimating the person God's made me to be
the times i've been so consumed with myself that I haven't noticed others


wish...
to love deeply (even when it hurts)
to fall in love and stay that way forever
to see people like Jesus does--to see Him in them
to write a book
to take risks
to learn how to sail
to backpack europe
to live out what matters
to be a friend who loves at all times
to hike a huge mountain
to sleep under the stars
to trust fully in my Papa
to listen better
to notice hidden beauty
to create a culture of honor
to meet people who destroy my boxes and preconceived notions




i have class early in the morning, but i felt the need to start writing these lists. guess i'm willing to lose sleep for words.

thank you, Sir Austin. You are gold, my friend.

(as are you--jordan, morgan, nathan--who know me better than i thought...)