Written on my return from Thanksgiving break...

11-20-09
“I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free.” –sara groves

It’s been a rough day. A rough day on top of a thick pile of other rough days that I just let accumulate instead of giving them over to Jesus.

This rough day was a wake up call. It’s true—you can only go for so long in a negative way before it starts to catch up to you. The rough days caught up to me. They showed me the heaviness that I’ve allowed into my emotions, and how often I’ve allowed my secret place to be forsaken.

God reminded me today about a prayer I prayed last summer. I said, “God, I want to be abandoned to you. No matter what it costs.” He heard that prayer. He reminded me that He heard that prayer.

He is answering that prayer.

I don't think it's by accident that my heart has always had a certain jealousy of people like Amy Carmichael—people with an out of the ordinary faith, who trusted you for everything--living lives of obedience and surrender.

"God, there have been thrones in my life where I have sat and ordered my life. There are idols littering the lawn of my inner world. There is mixture. There is mixture of fears and cowardice. But God, you are so kind. You showed me that You are crucifying those things—to bring me into life—the kind of resurrection life that touches others and brings hope. I’ve known what hopelessness feels like. I’ve felt the shadow of death. I’ve experienced the consequences of disobedience and compromise.

Recently You have been reviving dreams—but also You’ve been showing me the cost. You’re calling me higher. It’s time. Anything else makes me miserable. Your way is the only one worth it, even if it kills me. You are the only way.

And as you’ve made me aware of the cost, you’ve also made me more aware of your protection. I feel like You’re telling me that now is when I’m going to start to see angels. I’ve already started to feel them a lot more often—I sense their presence a lot more often. But I am also going to understand their part to play in my assignment. You are with me. Your angels are round about me. I’m not alone.
I see You moving. You are awakening Your own. I want to be there where You are—where I can hear your voice and feel your heartbeat. I’m jealous for that place. I’m craving it.

I will not take the easy way out. I will not let others be my resolution. Not this time. You are bringing truth and freedom. Again, I say, 'I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free'. "