Thoughts on Home

"You will ask me, are you satisfied? Have you got all you want? God forbid. With the deepest feeling of my soul I can say that I am satisfied with Jesus now; but there is also the consciousness of how much fuller the revelation can be of the exceeding abundance of His grace. Let us never hesitate to say, THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING." -Andrew Murray






Ireland is only familiar to me through the pictures and stories I experienced growing up (and yes, both qualify as an experience). As a setting, Ireland's only competition to the retelling of family history comes from Long Island, New York (my mom's stomping ground, where the Holy Spirit started to soften her heart and draw her to Jesus), the Daytona Beach Boardwalk (the place where God kidnapped my dad from a death sentence of addiction), and of course Frederick, Maryland, where my parents met and chose to settle down to start a family.

In a few days, my feet will touch Irish soil, and I won't need those pictures anymore as a reference. Even if it is not lush and green in December, I will be THERE--in IRELAND. It feels like a dream come true. It is a dream come true.

Even though I will only be a visitor, Ireland feels like the homeland I've heard about but never seen. It reminds me of this longing I have deep down for a home.

And this longing for a true home has me thinking about eternity. Ah, to have a heart full of the dreams of heaven--the dreams of my real home. That is what I long for, because I know in those dreams there is a satisfaction that can only come from God. True contentment. True purpose. True fulfillment.

The real homeland I seek is not Ireland, although I cannot wait to get there and experience as much of that nation as I can in twelve days. But I seek a homeland that is not on this round planet-

but while I'm here...

May I be found faithful--may my heart be full of heaven--and may my pursuits reflect the dreams in Abba's heart.

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Dear Cork, Galway, Shannon, Dublin, etc., etc., etc, (all of Ireland),

Here I come! I can't wait to officially meet you. I'm looking forward to learning a lot from you. See you soooooon!

Caitlin

Some Oswald Chambers to get me ready for a new year:

"There was nothing of the nature of impulsive or thoughtless action about our Lord, but only a calm strength that never got into a panic. Most of us develop our Christianity along the lines of our own nature, not along the lines of God’s nature. Impulsiveness is a trait of the natural life, and our Lord always ignores it, because it hinders the development of the life of a disciple. Watch how the Spirit of God gives a sense of restraint to impulsiveness, suddenly bringing us a feeling of self-conscious foolishness, which makes us instantly want to vindicate ourselves. Impulsiveness is all right in a child, but is disastrous in a man or woman—an impulsive adult is always a spoiled person. Impulsiveness needs to be trained into intuition through discipline.

Discipleship is built entirely on the supernatural grace of God. Walking on water is easy to someone with impulsive boldness, but walking on dry land as a disciple of Jesus Christ is something altogether different. Peter walked on the water to go to Jesus, but he “followed Him at a distance” on dry land ( Mark 14:54 ). We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises—human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—and this is not learned in five minutes."

Isaiah 43:1-4, The Message

But now, God's Message, the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
"Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place,
it won't be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

"Her heart is full of another world, even when her hands are most busy about this world." - Matthew Henry

Driving home...

I was supposed to leave 1t 7:00P. I think I have a problem with leaving on time. Like a big problem. I got on the road at 10:30P.

At about 1:00 am I had to go to the bathroom really bad and since at this point my phone was almost dead, I decided to go into the Denny's right off the Fredericksburg exit to plug in my phone for a few minutes. After I downed about 3 whole glasses of coke in 5 minutes (to counter the eye closing phenomena), I notice...d this odd man who looked a bit sketch sitting at a booth. There were a few odd interactions between him and a waitress. As I went to pay for my soda, I heard one of the waiters on the phone (whispering in a slightly frantic tone), "I need an officer to come here...we have a possible situation on our hands." I walked very quickly to my car, locked the doors, and drove really fast. :-) Yay.

Oral Roberts passed away today. He will be greatly missed. I'm thankful that he was alive during my generation, and that he paid the price that he did.

"After I'm gone, others will have to judge how well I've obeyed God's command not to be an echo but to be a voice like Jesus. As far as my own conviction is concerned, I've tried to be that voice with every fiber of my being, regardless of the cost."

Is there a chance?

Is there a chance waiting at the front door--
right now--
today--
a chance to
restore
what's been lost--
the innocence of sight?

If that's the case, I better not stay inside with fear and hope deferred.

Finding a Hero

Amy Carmichael is becoming a hero of sorts for me. In the book Elizabeth Elliot wrote about her life, a story is recounted of the bulding of a house of prayer. God supernaturally provided the money for this building to be constructed. When it was all done, more money came in, and it was used for a prayer tower. Here is an excerpt from the book "A Chance to Die":

"The House was finished, a beautiful buidling standing in the middle of the compound, covered with flowering vines. The architect who designed it took its style from an old palace in Travancore, a city where the influence of Chinese carpenters had been felt from ancient times. There was hesitation about one feature of its architecture, lest it be a mere luxury, an unjustifiable spending of money sacrificially given, but a specially marked gift came for that very thing--a prayer tower. On its roof are two pointed shafts, symbol of the unity of spiritual and secular in the life of holiness--the men and women of Dohnavur livd a common life, but they lived it with God for others. In the tower are tubular bells, 'things we should never have thought of buying.' Monring and evening a humn is pllayed on the bells, and each hour they ring for a moment of stillness for prayer and recollection."

you are beautiful. thank you for being born.

Looking at your face today, I find myself wanting to hear the story that Jesus is telling about you. I want to see it through His eyes, instead of my own, or even your own eyes. Because my sight is often inaccurate. But His is always perfect.

in this season--

i want trustworthy hands

Adjustment

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize the little things were the big things." ~Robert Brault

To be...

...more like my best friend. that's my favorite dream.

Looking for Definition

In heroes. stories. essays. quotes. opinions. friendships. respect. success. great ideas. stirring moments. accomplishments. influence. creativity. being cool. being uncool.dressing in [whatever style] seems in [or out--just to be different]. music. literature. denomination. belief. places travelled. movies watched. lingo learned. people skills possessed. perfection. trends. __________.

All fail me. All fall short. All are incomplete.

You are complete. And if that's the case (and I know it is), I would be wise to let You define me. And only You.


I don't understand why I so often want destiny without paying the price, or death to self without getting all messy and undone--but it's part of the journey.

And oh the glory, the promise, of new life.

It's Amazing...

the things you discover you can live without.

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To know You, that is life.

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I turn 23 in just a few days. It's crazy to think this year is already here--and even crazier to think that deep down, I feel ready for it. NOt necessarily ready for what is going to be required of me in this year--but ready for the new.

This past year has been incredible. It's been incredible in brokenness, in growth, in realizing what I don't want to be about. But now I want to start walking in the confidence of a daughter--the trust of one who knows her Father is not going to leave or give up on her.

Abba, thank You for bringing me this far. Thank You that this is not the end. I ask that You would direct my steps--that I would hear Your voice so clearly. You are so faithful. Thank you for this next year. I want to risk everything on You.

Some days...

Some days this is how I feel:

"so i gave chase, and found it finally.
slowly, feeding from your head.
and from my friends, and from my family,
so i grabbed it by the neck.
"for every lover you have ruined."
i dug my nails into its flesh.
"and every life that you have taken."
slammed its head against the bricks.
its blood poured out onto the pavement.
i stirred it in with dirt and spit.
"i will take a part of you!"
i made mortar from the mix.
tore every organ from its body.
broke its bone and fashioned bricks.
i laid the mortar in between.
i made a thrown for hope to sit.
"too long you've torn us into pieces.
firmly held on to our wrists.
today i bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

I'll hold you, as you have held me -
You've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)

We keep our heads up
We keep our hearts up
We keep our hopes up


-la dispute, the last lost continent lyrics

Written on my return from Thanksgiving break...

11-20-09
“I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free.” –sara groves

It’s been a rough day. A rough day on top of a thick pile of other rough days that I just let accumulate instead of giving them over to Jesus.

This rough day was a wake up call. It’s true—you can only go for so long in a negative way before it starts to catch up to you. The rough days caught up to me. They showed me the heaviness that I’ve allowed into my emotions, and how often I’ve allowed my secret place to be forsaken.

God reminded me today about a prayer I prayed last summer. I said, “God, I want to be abandoned to you. No matter what it costs.” He heard that prayer. He reminded me that He heard that prayer.

He is answering that prayer.

I don't think it's by accident that my heart has always had a certain jealousy of people like Amy Carmichael—people with an out of the ordinary faith, who trusted you for everything--living lives of obedience and surrender.

"God, there have been thrones in my life where I have sat and ordered my life. There are idols littering the lawn of my inner world. There is mixture. There is mixture of fears and cowardice. But God, you are so kind. You showed me that You are crucifying those things—to bring me into life—the kind of resurrection life that touches others and brings hope. I’ve known what hopelessness feels like. I’ve felt the shadow of death. I’ve experienced the consequences of disobedience and compromise.

Recently You have been reviving dreams—but also You’ve been showing me the cost. You’re calling me higher. It’s time. Anything else makes me miserable. Your way is the only one worth it, even if it kills me. You are the only way.

And as you’ve made me aware of the cost, you’ve also made me more aware of your protection. I feel like You’re telling me that now is when I’m going to start to see angels. I’ve already started to feel them a lot more often—I sense their presence a lot more often. But I am also going to understand their part to play in my assignment. You are with me. Your angels are round about me. I’m not alone.
I see You moving. You are awakening Your own. I want to be there where You are—where I can hear your voice and feel your heartbeat. I’m jealous for that place. I’m craving it.

I will not take the easy way out. I will not let others be my resolution. Not this time. You are bringing truth and freedom. Again, I say, 'I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free'. "

a prayer for this season...

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely,
Because we sailed too close to shore.
........................................
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldy,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show Your mas...tery
Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars."
~Sir Francis Drake, 1577

Needing direction..

"Help me, O God, to listen to what it is that makes my heart glad and to follow where it leads. May joy, not guilt, your voice, not the voices of others, your will, not my will-fulness, be the guide that leads me to my vocation. Help me unearth the passions of my heart that lay buried in my youth. And help me to go over that ground again and again until I can hold in my hands, hold and treasure, your calling on my life." -Prayer by Ken Gire