only ONE is worth it all

I HAVE ONE LIFE.

And constantly there is a battle. To settle. To deny my ulterior motives. To live as a pagan, with the end justifying the means. To talk myself into the normal path, because it's safe, it's tested. To base my decisions on how comfortable my life will be with what I choose: how meaningful I am in the eyes of man, how big a paycheck I receive, how secure my future is, how respected and loved I am among my peers, how prestigious my pursuits, how "worldly" and aware I am to the "wise" in this culture. Ah. To impress. To be somebody. To live comfortably.

And is this wrong? Is being comfortable wrong? I'm asking myself that right now. Wondering about balance. About purity. About what I'm living for and how I'm compromising and whether I even have a battle cry that will sustain my passion.

It's not the outward comfort that I find so disdainful. It's this heart of mine--the part of me that too often lusts after the things of this world, filled with the pride of life. I don't want to be owned by ANYTHING but God. Whether I live in a mansion or a sleeping bag, I want to have a heart that is solely in love with Jesus, willing to do whatever He asks. But how?

Am I so comfortable in this life that if God asked me to give up everything, I would reply, "oh. Um. Next time?"

And if that is the case what separates me from anyone else? How is that set apart? How is that faith? How is that obedience? And ultimately, how is that Love? Cause if I love, I obey, right?

Is there really a standard? IS THERE?!?

I meant it when I told You, "I want the things that really matter to YOU to become the ONLY things that matter to me." That's what I want to drive my life...to shape my existence...to plot my path...to direct my steps.

Joan of ARc said, "Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." Did she really know what she was talking about? I mean, she died at the stake. Was it even worth it? Was it worth it to inspire generations?

Is revolution worth it? Is laying down our lives even a reasonable action? Is IT?!? Or is that too much idealism? A young girl's immature emotions? Too much passion? Too little wisdom? Not enough counsel?

Maybe that's what I need. A life coach. Someone who can give me the 1-2-3 steps to success. Cause I for sure am not an expert in life, in planning, in figuring out what to do from one day to the next. A way to learn how to ride the waves of changing culture. How to conform so that I don't stick out. How to obey the rules of a culture that likes my obedience.

And yet I can't get this out of my head. Even if I try:

"But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young."

One life. One life that has the chance to love and serve ONE GOD with every breath that I take. Cause anything else, anything less or more....it's idolatry.

It's not about being loud. Or even known. But there is something about the heart--a heart that only God can fully know--that needs to be purified and set apart. There is something about the heart being content in much or little that is powerful. There is something about trusting God no matter what that dispels confusion and fear.

That's what I want.

So God, please, make what REALLY MATTERS TO YOU the only thing that matters in my life.

one life.
That is all I've got.

And in my heart I know that You are the only one who is worth it all.