Sometimes I wonder if it is strange that I like to document things in an almost obsessive manner. Give me a camera and I won't stop taking pictures. Put a camcorder in my hands and the record button will be on constant red. Give me a journal and pen, and my hands won't be able to stop writing until I've made sure the details are there.
I wonder if it's because I don't trust myself to remember. And there are some things that I don't want to ever forget.
i don't want to forget the way dirt roads feel when you drive on them. the way i had to cross over a body of water to get to a village that is only accessible in low tide. how the sun sets are different every night. the look in the eyes of the man on the street when we told him God loves him even if he smokes. how thankful the wife was when we prayed for her marriage. the love in the hugs of the people. the taste of tostones con queso. how much fun it is to make friends with random school groups that are visiting an active volcanoe at the same time as you, and somehow you get the chance to tell them you have the best dad in the whole world. teamwork. prophecy. healing. learning how to love more deeply. seeing into eyes that are full of joy even in poverty. hearing the word thank you when you barely did anything to help. being stretched in speaking spanish. finding out home isn't necessarily a place. learning how to see more clearly...to look more closely. recognizing that you can't be offered til you're broken. learning that the climb up requires a lot of laying down. volcanoes. mountain hikes. mosquitoes. miracles. restored hearts. deliverance. healings. protection. provision. divine knowledge.
I don't want to forget how faithful God is and how good He is to open our eyes up to see His beauty.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
"Here everything is extraordinary"
"Everything in Christ astonishes me. His spirit overawes me, and his will confounds me. Between him and whoever else in the world, there is no possible term of comparison. He is truly a being by himself...I serach in vain in history to find the similar to Jesus Christ, or anything that can approach the gospel. Neither history, nor humanity, nor the ages, nor nature, offer me anything iwht which I am able to compare it or to explain it. Here everything is extraordinary."
-Napoleon
-Napoleon
Active Volcano!
No joke. This thing was oozing out the smell of sulfur. I was coughing during most of the walk up to the volcano, but I would never trade that trip for anything. It was incredible.
Grace
A group of us passed this guy on the street. Stopping to say hello, we decided to sit down next to him for a chat. He was more than happy for the company. As we talked with him about Jesus, he said he couldn't receive such a gift...that he wasn't worthy of such a friend. He shared that he smoked. In his heart, he believed that before he could come to God, his life needed to be sorted out.
We prayed with him for about 15 minutes. We prayed for his heart, his eyesight, his regrets. He cried. He smiled. He thanked us. We thanked Jesus.
In the course of that time, I pray that God let him know His love.
As I walked away from that encounter, I thought about in my own life. Do I live in a way that says, "God will only help those who help themselves"? And if so, how is that grace? How is that really believing that Jesus died to allow a way for sinners to join Him at the banqueting table? Why do I often think I have to clean myself up before I can come before Him?
Just some things that got me thinking.
Tenderness
When we travelled into a barrio to gather people together for a meeting, a lot of children showed up. There was so much excitement in all of the kid's eyes. But as I looked over the fence that separated the house we were at from the rest of the community, I noticed a teenage boy standing up against a wooden support. His face was stoic. However, he was listening. As I glanced over at him, my heart felt a heavy burden-- God was up to something. Our team was about to leave, when I leaned over to my friend and asked if he would go pray for the young man. He went over. As they prayed, this young guy's countenance changed. He made Jesus his Savior that day. I don't know exactly what was going on in his life, but I know he was in a desperate state when he arrived. It was such an honor to be there at the right time and the right place, and to get to witness with heaven the transformation that occured in just a few short minutes. God is so big.
Majesty
Some people say it's a waste of time to dream. But I say they didn't take time to see. Cause once you look around, there's no way you can believe that God isn't a dreamer.
"The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven...
And earthly power doth then show likest God's
When mercy seasons justice."
-Shakespeare
Poe.
Annabel Lee
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we,
Of many far wiser than we;
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling-my darling-my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.
I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea,
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.
And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsmen came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulcher
In this kingdom by the sea.
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes! that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we,
Of many far wiser than we;
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling-my darling-my life and my bride,
In the sepulcher there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Can we really speak?
here is a daily meditation by henri nowen that I read. I'm not sure what the title is, but it's really good stuff:
"Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence!
Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully
able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great
conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak.
As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble."
"Can we only speak when we are fully living what we are saying? If all our words had to cover all our actions, we would be doomed to permanent silence!
Sometimes we are called to proclaim God's love even when we are not yet fully
able to live it. Does that mean we are hypocrites? Only when our own words no longer call us to conversion. Nobody completely lives up to his or her own ideals and visions. But by proclaiming our ideals and visions with great
conviction and great humility, we may gradually grow into the truth we speak.
As long as we know that our lives always will speak louder than our words, we can trust that our words will remain humble."
See How My Eyes Tell This Story
"I have looked into your eyes with my eyes. I have put my heart near your heart." [Pope John XXIII]
Nicaragua,
You are beautiful. Thank you for giving me a chance to see your heart. I will never be the same. Be like those who dream. ♥
Nicaragua,
You are beautiful. Thank you for giving me a chance to see your heart. I will never be the same. Be like those who dream. ♥
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
And the Father RAN....
"But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And how would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything....
But when he CAME TO HIMSELF, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!'
'I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants."'
And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and RAN and fell on his neck and kissed him.
And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to be merry."
Luke 15:11-24
_____________________________________________________________________________
Abba, will you embrace this prodigal nation when we come to our senses? Will you remember Your covenant?
But when he CAME TO HIMSELF, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!'
'I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants."'
And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and RAN and fell on his neck and kissed him.
And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' And they began to be merry."
Luke 15:11-24
_____________________________________________________________________________
Abba, will you embrace this prodigal nation when we come to our senses? Will you remember Your covenant?
...I want to
...I want to love
enough to risk my life--for someone else, for my generation, for You. That selfless laying down. That surrender that is so pure because it costs everything.
...I want to fight.
For those I love. To have a cause worth dying for--to transcend the selfishness of our time.
...I want to write.
Of daring adventrues. Of life. Of love. WIth words that come from my heart.
...I want to be processed.
Processed so I can really love. So I can really war. So I can move like wind. So my words hold weight. So my life carries Your presence. So that one day I can stand before kings without being shaken.
enough to risk my life--for someone else, for my generation, for You. That selfless laying down. That surrender that is so pure because it costs everything.
...I want to fight.
For those I love. To have a cause worth dying for--to transcend the selfishness of our time.
...I want to write.
Of daring adventrues. Of life. Of love. WIth words that come from my heart.
...I want to be processed.
Processed so I can really love. So I can really war. So I can move like wind. So my words hold weight. So my life carries Your presence. So that one day I can stand before kings without being shaken.
only ONE is worth it all
I HAVE ONE LIFE.
And constantly there is a battle. To settle. To deny my ulterior motives. To live as a pagan, with the end justifying the means. To talk myself into the normal path, because it's safe, it's tested. To base my decisions on how comfortable my life will be with what I choose: how meaningful I am in the eyes of man, how big a paycheck I receive, how secure my future is, how respected and loved I am among my peers, how prestigious my pursuits, how "worldly" and aware I am to the "wise" in this culture. Ah. To impress. To be somebody. To live comfortably.
And is this wrong? Is being comfortable wrong? I'm asking myself that right now. Wondering about balance. About purity. About what I'm living for and how I'm compromising and whether I even have a battle cry that will sustain my passion.
It's not the outward comfort that I find so disdainful. It's this heart of mine--the part of me that too often lusts after the things of this world, filled with the pride of life. I don't want to be owned by ANYTHING but God. Whether I live in a mansion or a sleeping bag, I want to have a heart that is solely in love with Jesus, willing to do whatever He asks. But how?
Am I so comfortable in this life that if God asked me to give up everything, I would reply, "oh. Um. Next time?"
And if that is the case what separates me from anyone else? How is that set apart? How is that faith? How is that obedience? And ultimately, how is that Love? Cause if I love, I obey, right?
Is there really a standard? IS THERE?!?
I meant it when I told You, "I want the things that really matter to YOU to become the ONLY things that matter to me." That's what I want to drive my life...to shape my existence...to plot my path...to direct my steps.
Joan of ARc said, "Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." Did she really know what she was talking about? I mean, she died at the stake. Was it even worth it? Was it worth it to inspire generations?
Is revolution worth it? Is laying down our lives even a reasonable action? Is IT?!? Or is that too much idealism? A young girl's immature emotions? Too much passion? Too little wisdom? Not enough counsel?
Maybe that's what I need. A life coach. Someone who can give me the 1-2-3 steps to success. Cause I for sure am not an expert in life, in planning, in figuring out what to do from one day to the next. A way to learn how to ride the waves of changing culture. How to conform so that I don't stick out. How to obey the rules of a culture that likes my obedience.
And yet I can't get this out of my head. Even if I try:
"But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young."
One life. One life that has the chance to love and serve ONE GOD with every breath that I take. Cause anything else, anything less or more....it's idolatry.
It's not about being loud. Or even known. But there is something about the heart--a heart that only God can fully know--that needs to be purified and set apart. There is something about the heart being content in much or little that is powerful. There is something about trusting God no matter what that dispels confusion and fear.
That's what I want.
So God, please, make what REALLY MATTERS TO YOU the only thing that matters in my life.
one life.
That is all I've got.
And in my heart I know that You are the only one who is worth it all.
And constantly there is a battle. To settle. To deny my ulterior motives. To live as a pagan, with the end justifying the means. To talk myself into the normal path, because it's safe, it's tested. To base my decisions on how comfortable my life will be with what I choose: how meaningful I am in the eyes of man, how big a paycheck I receive, how secure my future is, how respected and loved I am among my peers, how prestigious my pursuits, how "worldly" and aware I am to the "wise" in this culture. Ah. To impress. To be somebody. To live comfortably.
And is this wrong? Is being comfortable wrong? I'm asking myself that right now. Wondering about balance. About purity. About what I'm living for and how I'm compromising and whether I even have a battle cry that will sustain my passion.
It's not the outward comfort that I find so disdainful. It's this heart of mine--the part of me that too often lusts after the things of this world, filled with the pride of life. I don't want to be owned by ANYTHING but God. Whether I live in a mansion or a sleeping bag, I want to have a heart that is solely in love with Jesus, willing to do whatever He asks. But how?
Am I so comfortable in this life that if God asked me to give up everything, I would reply, "oh. Um. Next time?"
And if that is the case what separates me from anyone else? How is that set apart? How is that faith? How is that obedience? And ultimately, how is that Love? Cause if I love, I obey, right?
Is there really a standard? IS THERE?!?
I meant it when I told You, "I want the things that really matter to YOU to become the ONLY things that matter to me." That's what I want to drive my life...to shape my existence...to plot my path...to direct my steps.
Joan of ARc said, "Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." Did she really know what she was talking about? I mean, she died at the stake. Was it even worth it? Was it worth it to inspire generations?
Is revolution worth it? Is laying down our lives even a reasonable action? Is IT?!? Or is that too much idealism? A young girl's immature emotions? Too much passion? Too little wisdom? Not enough counsel?
Maybe that's what I need. A life coach. Someone who can give me the 1-2-3 steps to success. Cause I for sure am not an expert in life, in planning, in figuring out what to do from one day to the next. A way to learn how to ride the waves of changing culture. How to conform so that I don't stick out. How to obey the rules of a culture that likes my obedience.
And yet I can't get this out of my head. Even if I try:
"But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young."
One life. One life that has the chance to love and serve ONE GOD with every breath that I take. Cause anything else, anything less or more....it's idolatry.
It's not about being loud. Or even known. But there is something about the heart--a heart that only God can fully know--that needs to be purified and set apart. There is something about the heart being content in much or little that is powerful. There is something about trusting God no matter what that dispels confusion and fear.
That's what I want.
So God, please, make what REALLY MATTERS TO YOU the only thing that matters in my life.
one life.
That is all I've got.
And in my heart I know that You are the only one who is worth it all.
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