So Glad You Exist

My mom is a sign language interpreter by profession.  Growing up, she placed a strong emphasis on non-verbal communication-- mainly body language and eye contact.  She taught my siblings and me that much is conveyed in the absence of words.

Currently I work in retail in a wealthier community in the Boston area.  Lately, I feel like I am a sociologist, observing the lifestyle of the entitled.  One thing that strikes me on a constant basis is how the tone a person uses and the way they make eye contact totally shapes an interaction.  Each interaction has its very own personality-- and there is a struggle I face each time I am treated rudely with how I will respond.  Will my response reshape the interaction in a positive direction?  Will I be proud of my response when I look back on my day?  Often my pride gets in the way of responding well, and instead I get short with the customer, thinking somehow my curt attitude will vindicate the ill treatment.

 However, when someone treats me kindly, acknowledging I am not just a cashier but indeed a person-- a person with goals, dreams, a brain -- something in me rises to the occasion, wanting to exceed their every expectation in return for their kindness.  Their kindness empowers me.

I'm a strong believer in the idea that even when someone is rude to you, you should not respond in kind.  There is something about love that chooses humility in such situations (which I often do not do).  But at the moment, I'm not wanting to write an essay on turning the other cheek. My thoughts are turned towards what kindness does to a heart.

I was walking home from work today and as a woman passed me,  she looked up from her carefully placed footsteps, treading wisely on freshly fallen snow, to catch my eye and exchange a smile.  That meant so much to me-- an acknowledgment of my personhood.  That I matter.  That the space I take up on the sidewalk is a beautiful part of her day, as her space is to mine.  That her existence is a wonderful thing. An exchange of strangers that validated how each of us is made up of the same set of bones, the same muscles, the same organs...that inside of us blood is running and a heart is beating and feet are moving to get us from one place to the next.  We may be in a different economic class, but we are not in a different human class.  We are equal.

I'm not sure why at 27 I am back in school, trying to go to medical school, unsure what will come of this journey, still wanting to write made up stories with characters that translate beyond words and into hearts but searching for a way to bring it all together.  I'm also not sure why at 27, lots of my friends are married, starting beautiful families, setting off on stable careers, but I am still a single wanderer who wants to live a life of meaning but is searching for what that exactly means within the grace that is on my life, all while working at a minimum wage job after going to college for four years, often having to depend on and receive the kindness of others.  I wasn't raised to believe that marriage is the answer to a girl's life and that finding a man is what defines your success or brings security, so I think that there is something in me that recognizes a longing for the companionship of another who gets my heart in a way no one else will on this great life adventure, but doesn't want it to be a savior from my current season--although I do look forward to the day when that piece in my journey comes. For now though, I want to live this season out in all its gore and glory, to feel it fully, as it leads to whatever is next on my journey and as it develops something in me that is focused and sure.

But where there are many things I'm not sure of, there is one thing I know for sure I want to do with my life, and it is this--
I want to look each person I meet in the eyes.  I want them to know I acknowledge them, that I am honored to meet them, that I celebrate the space they occupy.  I want the translation of my look to say, "You are beautiful and I am so glad you exist," regardless of their income, if they had a shower in the last week, if they live in the most beautiful house, or in a cardboard box.  Because there is justice found in our silent communication-- there is a power beyond words that restores dignity and offers a warmth that reaches deep into the soul.