Find me on hope street

Today was one of those days.

Anxiety, fear, disappointment.  They all came for a visit today, and my heart just let them in.  And of all days for these dream stealing guests!  The celebration day of one of my heroes, Martin Luther King Jr.

Several times this week, anxiety gripped me to the point of being unable to think of anything positive.  Disappointment entered with the numbing feeling of unmet expectations. Prime time pity party.  No one wants a front row ticket to that.

The onset of fear was often initiated by thoughts like:  "If you don't conform to the American Dream, work your way up the ladder to a high paid job with security and connections, you'll never make it through this world safe.  People aren't kind to the ones who want something different out of life. Leave all that idealism behind and just blame it on youth."  But just the thought of that American Dream makes me want to cry.   I've heard it said before that tears are a good indicator of what the heart is saying.  These tears are the kind that are trying hard to find expression for, "This can't really be all there is..."

I'm not a hater of people who are successful within the system.  Which is why sometimes I feel this tension when sorting through the different messages of how to live and what it means to succeed. Thus the anxiety.  "How do I live?!"  But if the message my life is broadcasting is based on the choices I make and the behaviors I embrace, then it is a serious matter and one in which I must be intentional.

As I was bringing all of this into a conversation with God, I felt a tug on my heart that seemed to whisper, "This season is not a waste.  What seems stagnant is actually full of movement that you can't see.  Let the hold-ups have their way in your life.  They're important.  Don't try to numb them away with all the distractions that are available."

And suddenly, I had a glimpse into paradox.  Within the ebbs and flows of success that the world admires, the flows will gain you respect and influence with the world, but the ebbs are where you learn what success really means.  You're crafted there in a way that you won't be anywhere else, and you learn the life saving lessons of definition, identity and security. To not be defined by anything other than God's heart will save your life. When "world" success comes your way, it won't own you, it won't give you identity, it won't destroy your wholeness.  It will merely be what it was intended to be: a platform.  And nobody wants to stand up on a platform 24-7.  When you know who you are, you aren't striving to protect that influence when it does come (which is more a statement in regards to reputation, not character).  You're okay with the sit-down times and with passing the torch in epoch changes.  

I do think that there are times in life where things will feel more "secure" in the natural sense of the word.  However, maybe I don't have the maturity to handle a season of security just yet, which probably sounds totally crazy.  In security comes the temptation to grow comfortable and complacent, unwilling to surrender the amenities of one season due to apprehension of the cost involved in journeying once again into unknown and unfamiliar territory.  But in the end, isn't faith a journey?  And aren't journeys full of their uncomfortable paragraphs, even chapters, where the very nature of mystery and the unknown leave their mark on you forever, changing you in sometimes unspeakable ways?

Bringing what started as a dirge into a more positive note...

King.  He's a man whose dream didn't fit into the American Dream of his time, and this is the type of dream I could get behind.  He didn't let the obstacles stop him.  Instead, he took the path of resistance, but did it in a way that was full of love and respect (which is in itself a path of resistance).  Even in the midst of disagreeing with cultural norms, he loved those who didn't see it his way (yet), and he changed the course of history, along with so many other brave ones.  I wish I could have met him.  I wish I could have asked him what helped him lose the need for security and safety, what it was that gave him the courage to live from his heart and the things that he knew were right.

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“On some positions, Cowardice asks the question, "Is it safe?" Expediency asks the question, "Is it politic?" And Vanity comes along and asks the question, "Is it popular?" But Conscience asks the question "Is it right?" And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because Conscience tells him it is right.” -Martin Luther King Jr.