eyesight.

Yesterday, I went to the optometrist to have a regular yearly check up, which is mandatory before I can get new contacts. When I arrived, I was asked to take my contacts out and take a seat in the waiting area.

The doctor took longer than expected with the patient before me, and I was sitting for at least 3o minutes without contacts in, thinking about how foolish it was for me to not grab my glasses on the way over. I didn't mind the wait, but paranoia did begin to set in as I sat there, trying to make out letters and objects and shapes, feeling completely vulnerable by the lack of clarity I have without corrective lenses. Fear tried to grip my heart, especially after the doctor called me back and found that my eyes have decreased another half step in just a year, taking me right to the edge of what prescriptions they offer. She suggested I go see an Ophthalmologist, just to make sure everything with my retina is okay.

That's not a good feeling for anyone, but especially not for someone in her 20s, craving adventure with no limitations, and the ability to serve God without any hindrances.

Ever since second grade, I've had to wear glasses. In fifth grade I started playing more intense sports, and it was hard to wear glasses and perform well. My eye sight was too weak for me to function without aid, so I switched to contacts. This physical limitation has always been with me, it seems. When I went on camping trips with friends, I was very aware of needing to make sure that there would be proper facilities for me to change my contacts, so as not to get an infection. And God forbid if I lost both my contacts and glasses on such a trip! If that happened, it would be a memorable, never to be forgotten day.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that my eyes are so weak, and I have conversations with God about that topic often. Ever since I was little, I've had dreams of traveling all over the world, doing crazy things for God that will require an adventurous heart. Jesus has blessed me with the opportunity to go to many places, yet those trips are always the times where I am reminded most of the things that are more difficult to do because of my poor eyesight.

Sitting in the waiting room brought back similar feelings.

Even in the midst of the fear that was generated by mulling various scenarios over in my mind, I felt God once again come to me, whispering that the plans for my life are good and that He is with me. Often I am reminded of a dream I had several years ago where my sight was healed. I believe that God can do that, and I do believe that He didn't put desires for adventure and for going to hard to reach people groups in my heart just to take that away.

Yet, I do see how it makes me aware daily how dependent I am, and how in need I am of Him. My humanity must be met with and covered by His greatness, or else I've got nothing. It's amazing how something like eye sight can extend meaning to areas far beyond the physical.

Today, I feel myself focusing on the vision of my spirit. I know the verse, "write the vision, make it plain, that those who read it may run..." has been used often (and correctly) to remind us about the importance of vision--of not forgetting who we are and what we're called to be doing with the time we've been given as a beautiful gift. Yet, I feel in my heart that the word for my life at this moment is that in the times when dreams are sown into the ground, where they die in order to bring forth new life, vision can sometimes grow hazy. And it's then, in that dry place of wilderness, that I am totally dependent on the Gardener to resurrect me and to give me vision straight from His heart. Those must be the most priceless times in life, if viewed correctly.

So here I am, with vision that is weak in the natural right now. However, I feel that the more I recognize my physical weakness, my spiritual vision is coming to a place of surrender to the will of God, where I can say, "God! You can have everything! It's no sacrifice! YOU ARE MY LIFE." I feel like even in the middle of wondering what is going on with my eyesight, I am at the same time realizing that when I acknowledge and come to grips with my limitations, I feel the grace and strength of God washing over me to strengthen and restore my spiritual vision.