Psalm 43:3-5

"Oh, send Your light and Your truth! Let them lead me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your tabernacle [dwelling places]. Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy; and on the harp I will praise You, O God, my God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help [salvation] of my countenance and my God." (nkjv)

"Give me your lantern and compass,

give me a map,

So I can find my way to the sacred mountain,

to the place of your presence,

To enter the place of worship, meet my exuberant God,

Sing my thanks with a harp,

magnificent God, my God.

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God--soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face.

He's my God." (msg)

One commentary I read said this about the aspects of light and truth in this Psalm:

"Light and truth. Delightful and all comprehensive words. Thy contain all the salvation and all the desire of a believing, confiding soul. But it is only when thus combined -- separated they are no longer a ground of trust and joy. For what would favour avail without faithfulness? It would be no more than the uncertain friendship of men, who smile today and reproach tomorrow; who make large promises, but do not perform them. Even the light which angels and glorified spirits enjoy in heaven would be insufficient to banish all fear and to fill them with satisfaction, were it not for their confidence in the truth of God. How much more, then, must this be the case with erring, sinful, mortals on earth? When the humble spirit is bowed down under a sense of its utter unworthiness and innumerable weaknesses and defilements, its negligences, follies, and wanderings, what should save from despair but the confidence that he who has been merciful will also be faithful; that God is truth as well as light; that he hath said, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee;" that he "cannot lie," and that, therefore, "his mercy endureth for ever?" On the other hand, truth without light, faithfulness without grace, would be only the dreadful execution of terrible but just denunciations on the transgressors of the holy law. "In the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." Adam ate, and in that day became the subject of sin and death. This was truth executing judgment. But light arose around the darkness; beams of mercy tempered the heavy cloud. The promise of the Great Deliverer was given; then faithfulness was enlisted on the side of grace, and became engaged for its bestowment; "mercy and truth met together; righteousness and peace kissed each other." Since then, all humble and trusting souls have beheld them united, and have made their union the ground of their confidence and joy. "

Philippians 1:3-11 (the message)

"Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.

It's not at all fanciful for me to think this way about you. My prayers and hopes have deep roots in reality. You have, after all, stuck with me all the way from the time I was thrown in jail, put on trial, and came out of it in one piece. All along you have experienced with me the most generous help from God. He knows how much I love and miss you these days. Sometimes I think I feel as strongly about you as Christ does!

So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."

a better way

There was a time, about five years ago, where I would wake up before the sun rose on the east coast, just to go hang out with Jesus. It was this sweet time with Him that I remember as being so foundational to the years that would come after. I long to recover portions of that time.

Often, in those early mornings, I would turn on this song called "A Better Way" by Jason Upton and just sit, letting the words soak into my heart. My prayer became: take my ambition, Jesus. Make me your friend.

"You came to lead us to our Father. / You came to show us a better way. / Oh Jesus, help us not to forget why You came.

You came in the midst of the world's ambitions. / You came in the midst of religious ambitions. / You came in the opposite spirit of man, Lord. / You came and you showed us a holy way, you showed us a better way, you showed us the better way...

You took upon yourself all of our rejection. / You took upon yourself all of our ambition. / You held upon yourself all of our anger. / You took upon yourself the anger of our traditions. / You came, and you showed us a better way...a way that leads to healing, to life.

We brought our ambition to you, Jesus. You turned it into friendship."

the love of God has never changed

Nanny and I had a leisurely brunch this Saturday morning, eating an omelette with some toast, instead of our normal oatmeal. As we were sitting, not saying much, I sat back in my chair and just listened. A JJ Heller album was playing in the other room at a low sound, barely audible unless you blocked out all the other noises and focused in on the sound waves coming out of the little piece of technology several feet away. The words caught me in my tracks, washing over me with a sort of prayer to Abba that was returned with a promise from Him for this day and for this time:

"I have unanswered prayers/ I have trouble I wish wasn't there/ And I have asked a thousand ways/ That you would take my pain away/ I am trying to understand/ How to walk this weary land/ Make straight the paths that crookedly lie/ Oh Lord, before these feet of mine.

When my world is shaking, heaven stands. / When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands.

When you walked upon the Earth/ You healed the broken, lost, and hurt/ I know You hate to see me cry/ One day You will set all things right/ Yea, one day You will set all things right.

Your hands, your hands that shape the world/ Are holding me, they hold me still."

Yes, God. Make straight the paths that crookedly lie before these feet of mine. Amen.

A few minutes after the song finished, my grandma suggested that I start writing a book, and that the topic should be about my own life. I'm not sure how entertaining a read that would be, but maybe it would be a good exercise--a good reminder of how faithful God has been in every ebb and flow, valley and mountain, to always direct my steps and lead me into a deeper love relationship with Him. It's like he intentionally orchestrates these moments where desperation for His presence is my only response, and where He meets me in ways no human could ever meet me.

And then these words from a Jason Upton song start to stir in my heart:

My house is built upon a stone; a stone so rarely built upon I feel quite foolish and naive...I've been the blind man on the road. I've been the boy running back home. I've been the sinner and the saint, but the love of God has never changed."

In this life story of mine, the one that belongs to Him, this truth remains and keeps me:

the love of God has never changed.

the end.

If I were an architect...

eyesight.

Yesterday, I went to the optometrist to have a regular yearly check up, which is mandatory before I can get new contacts. When I arrived, I was asked to take my contacts out and take a seat in the waiting area.

The doctor took longer than expected with the patient before me, and I was sitting for at least 3o minutes without contacts in, thinking about how foolish it was for me to not grab my glasses on the way over. I didn't mind the wait, but paranoia did begin to set in as I sat there, trying to make out letters and objects and shapes, feeling completely vulnerable by the lack of clarity I have without corrective lenses. Fear tried to grip my heart, especially after the doctor called me back and found that my eyes have decreased another half step in just a year, taking me right to the edge of what prescriptions they offer. She suggested I go see an Ophthalmologist, just to make sure everything with my retina is okay.

That's not a good feeling for anyone, but especially not for someone in her 20s, craving adventure with no limitations, and the ability to serve God without any hindrances.

Ever since second grade, I've had to wear glasses. In fifth grade I started playing more intense sports, and it was hard to wear glasses and perform well. My eye sight was too weak for me to function without aid, so I switched to contacts. This physical limitation has always been with me, it seems. When I went on camping trips with friends, I was very aware of needing to make sure that there would be proper facilities for me to change my contacts, so as not to get an infection. And God forbid if I lost both my contacts and glasses on such a trip! If that happened, it would be a memorable, never to be forgotten day.

Sometimes I wonder why it is that my eyes are so weak, and I have conversations with God about that topic often. Ever since I was little, I've had dreams of traveling all over the world, doing crazy things for God that will require an adventurous heart. Jesus has blessed me with the opportunity to go to many places, yet those trips are always the times where I am reminded most of the things that are more difficult to do because of my poor eyesight.

Sitting in the waiting room brought back similar feelings.

Even in the midst of the fear that was generated by mulling various scenarios over in my mind, I felt God once again come to me, whispering that the plans for my life are good and that He is with me. Often I am reminded of a dream I had several years ago where my sight was healed. I believe that God can do that, and I do believe that He didn't put desires for adventure and for going to hard to reach people groups in my heart just to take that away.

Yet, I do see how it makes me aware daily how dependent I am, and how in need I am of Him. My humanity must be met with and covered by His greatness, or else I've got nothing. It's amazing how something like eye sight can extend meaning to areas far beyond the physical.

Today, I feel myself focusing on the vision of my spirit. I know the verse, "write the vision, make it plain, that those who read it may run..." has been used often (and correctly) to remind us about the importance of vision--of not forgetting who we are and what we're called to be doing with the time we've been given as a beautiful gift. Yet, I feel in my heart that the word for my life at this moment is that in the times when dreams are sown into the ground, where they die in order to bring forth new life, vision can sometimes grow hazy. And it's then, in that dry place of wilderness, that I am totally dependent on the Gardener to resurrect me and to give me vision straight from His heart. Those must be the most priceless times in life, if viewed correctly.

So here I am, with vision that is weak in the natural right now. However, I feel that the more I recognize my physical weakness, my spiritual vision is coming to a place of surrender to the will of God, where I can say, "God! You can have everything! It's no sacrifice! YOU ARE MY LIFE." I feel like even in the middle of wondering what is going on with my eyesight, I am at the same time realizing that when I acknowledge and come to grips with my limitations, I feel the grace and strength of God washing over me to strengthen and restore my spiritual vision.

As I Walked Out One Evening

[w.h. auden]

As I walked out one evening,    Walking down Bristol Street, The crowds upon the pavement    Were fields of harvest wheat.  And down by the brimming river    I heard a lover sing Under an arch of the railway:    'Love has no ending.  'I'll love you, dear, I'll love you    Till China and Africa meet, And the river jumps over the mountain    And the salmon sing in the street,  'I'll love you till the ocean    Is folded and hung up to dry And the seven stars go squawking    Like geese about the sky.  'The years shall run like rabbits,    For in my arms I hold The Flower of the Ages,    And the first love of the world.'  But all the clocks in the city    Began to whirr and chime: 'O let not Time deceive you,    You cannot conquer Time.  'In the burrows of the Nightmare    Where Justice naked is, Time watches from the shadow    And coughs when you would kiss.  'In headaches and in worry    Vaguely life leaks away, And Time will have his fancy    To-morrow or to-day.  'Into many a green valley    Drifts the appalling snow; Time breaks the threaded dances    And the diver's brilliant bow.  'O plunge your hands in water,    Plunge them in up to the wrist; Stare, stare in the basin    And wonder what you've missed.  'The glacier knocks in the cupboard,    The desert sighs in the bed, And the crack in the tea-cup opens    A lane to the land of the dead.  'Where the beggars raffle the banknotes    And the Giant is enchanting to Jack, And the Lily-white Boy is a Roarer,    And Jill goes down on her back.  'O look, look in the mirror,    O look in your distress: Life remains a blessing    Although you cannot bless.  'O stand, stand at the window    As the tears scald and start; You shall love your crooked neighbour    With your crooked heart.'  It was late, late in the evening,    The lovers they were gone; The clocks had ceased their chiming,    And the deep river ran on. 

I think about my generation and this time we've been given, along with all the history we've inherited. We've been given such a chance to change things for the better, to redefine the function of the church, to live out a (the) pure Gospel that is free from secular humanism and vain/empty traditions. We have the chance to set higher standards, loving courageously, forgiving completely, speaking words that restore dignity, spreading the fragrance of Christ wherever we go, releasing his grace, mercy, and justice. Marked by compassion and purity and wisdom, living with clear eyes, a clear mind, a clear heart, connected to the Holy Spirit regardless of circumstances or emotions.

That even in the face of persecution, we would love. Even in the face of diluted truth and anti-God toleration, we would still love, still hope, still believe, still shine for Him, living out in our lives the fullness of Truth that cannot be neutralized or downsized. That no one could put a basket over our light...

I've been feeling strongly the last few weeks a weightiness to the standard of God's call and election. Some people say that the call of the Nazirite is a thing for the Old Testament, citing John the Baptist as the last to walk in that call. I'm no Bible scholar, so I don't know how to even tackle that question. However, I can contend that consecration must be the lifestyle we embrace, to effectively walk on the battle fields that we will face in the coming days.

Unspotted from the world.

Neutral No More

Tonight I sat through an hour long emotional roller coaster.

My dad asked me to accompany him to a meeting where planned parenthood was hosting an information session to help raise funds for the Frederick area clinics. I didn't realize what my non-confrontational self was about to experience. My dad went to be a voice for the voiceless, even if no one else agreed with him.

No one else did agree with him.

He was booed a few times and asked to be quiet, with people saying that religion needed to be taken out of the whole discussion. To be fair, the man leading the discussion actually handled all of the intensity in the room very diplomatically, and did answer my dad's questions, although in a round about way that stayed true to the stance that life does not begin at conception.

People in the room saw me walk in with my dad, even though I sat in the very back and he walked straight up to the front to sit down where the speaker was standing. After he asked the first question, they moved their chairs away from me. I wanted to get up and leave as soon as he raised his hand the first time, scared of the hostility about to erupt. I couldn't decide if I felt like Peter denying Jesus or like a child who wanted to approach it with a kind of meekness that would be more effective.

Yet, is that meekness I was wanting to interject into the whole atmosphere even what Jesus meant when he said that the meek would inherit the earth? Or have I come to embrace a definition for meekness that is crafted by the culture surrounding me, keeping me quiet when I really should say something? I am so confused about the desire of God's heart for action in this hour. However, I am not confused over where I stand on the life issue. Life at conception is a stance that I want to defend, even if unpopular. However, I do have confusion over how that is done correctly, in a way that is Love driven. And love driven does not equate to diluted truth, which is a place where I do think the church has caved in many ways.

And now I'm left wondering several things, with questions that are growing in intensity, yet seem to have no answer at the moment. These questions I'm asking feel high priority because they matter more than I realize. Not so that I can develop a political stance or align myself with a party. These questions matter because a battle is being handed over to my generation that is thick with controversy, and the heart of it seems to be linked to how we define and value life, which is a direct reflection of how we see God.

Our culture is one that has embraced secular humanism. I don't care who disagrees with me, I'm not changing my opinion on that one. That brand of humanism is defined as

as a secularphilosophy that espouses human reason, ethics, and justice, and the search for human fulfillment. It specifically rejects religious dogma,supernaturalism, pseudoscience or superstition as the basis of morality and decision-making.

People shut down anything that would prohibit them from pursuing their brand and definition of happiness when guided by this philosophy. It has in its framework an idea of a utopia where everyone is free, submitted to their own created moral compass, with no one challenging or questioning it. Or something like that? I'm still thinking through all of this, and it is heavy and important.

Thus the question a woman asked tonight: "WHY would Arizona pass a law that says a woman must look at her sonogram before having an abortion? That is disgusting!" To which I wanted to reply, "Why is that a problem if there is nothing that would show signs of life in the sonogram?" ---

Because a sonogram does show signs of life, and the woman who asked the question didn't want a woman to be affected emotionally, possibly changing her mind after seeing the sonogram. She didn't want there to be any reason to change her stance.

That was the point in the evening where I wanted to break down in tears as the reality hit me of how easily we shape our definition of truth to fit into a life of ease. Ease that leads to death when it gets to the end of the story.

Oh comfort, how far have we fallen in the midst of your deception?! Is there a way to redeem, to restore, what has been lost? To cleanse minds and hearts, renewing with Truth?

During the meeting, I found myself wanting to run to a cave and hide from this discussion. I wanted to be neutral, quiet, disinterested. Yet, I know that there is no neutrality. I can't be Switzerland. Not now. Not ever. I need to know where I stand. I need to get God's heart. I need His love to take away my fear.

every.day.

"We cannot worship the suffering God today and ignore him tomorrow. We cannot eat and drink the body and blood of the passionate and compassionate God today, and then refuse to live passionately and compassionately tomorrow. If we say or sing, as we so often do, 'Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit', we thereby commit ourselves, in love, to the work of making his love known to the world that still stands so sorely in need of it. This is not the god the world wants. This is the God the world needs."
— N.T. Wright