The library.

This following self-disclosure will probably forever classify me as a dork:

the library is a favorite visiting spot for me.

The doors open at 10 am, but if you get there a bit beforehand, you can see some of the regulars. Many are homeless, and often they come to the library to stay warm during the winter, or search for jobs through free computer use. Then, there are the moms, instilling in their children a healthy love for books and for asking questions of the world we live in. Students from local colleges are sometimes present, but most are out of school for the summer. Of course, the librarians know me by face now, although not by name. Not sure if I want to get that intimate with the staff. Haha. Especially since they know what books I check out, which already reveals a lot about me.

Today, I arrived at the library around 9:50 am, walking there from a local coffee shop a few blocks away. I had an exchange of laughter with one street dweller as a huge flock of children from a local school came walking down the street. They must have been on a field trip. He looked at me when they were about 20 feet away, and we both exchanged a knowing glance of, "OMG they are loud." In my thoughts, I also added "...and SO ALIVE." My new street buddy quickly left the scene, unable to handle that much noise in the morning. I just laughed and said hi to the kids as they passed by, books from the library in hand.

Today, an elderly lady who was working as a new volunteer at the library was going through training, as well as a young man with a mental handicap who was being instructed by another efficient young man on how to clean the library. The trainee caught my eye and we smiled at each other, as if exchanging an inside joke. I just sat, marveling at the gift of life that each embodied. They were having so much fun as they learned new skills. My eyes filled up with happy tears, as suddenly a fresh wave of gratitude for the moments we've been given washed over me.

Moments like these make me feel as if heaven is just a short distance away, as if the separation between here and there is so small that you can taste eternity and breathe in forever. Joy prompting wordless gratitude...mostly because there were no words adequate to express the beauty. I feel this when I'm around those who understand the important things in life, when I am living simply, when I'm in a place of surrendering all to God. I feel the most alive in the moments where nothing is mine except for Him.

And here, where He is my everything and my eyes see more through His eyes than before, I feel something eternal being worked into my heart, my gaze. My movements sketched from what I saw the Father doing and saying.

To live like that always, with heaven feeling present in my every moment, where seeing the face of Jesus everywhere I look is the norm--I long for that. To be a lover, not an activist. To do because my heart is so full of compassion that can't be legislated, only awakened.

Why the library is the place where I most often have these experiences, I have no idea. But one thing I do know, I will continue being a patron of the great building full of books.

A Hero Is With Jesus Tonight

David Wilkerson was killed tonight in a car accident. As soon as I found out, something hit my gut and tears came into my eyes. For me, that's not really a normal reaction towards someone I do not know on a personal level. But David Wilkerson feels like someone who I've known because of how deeply he's impacted my life from the time I was a little girl. He is a true father in the faith. I think I am feeling the loss of a father, of that pillar, of that voice. Courageous and so in love with Jesus, he did things that few would have the guts to do, and he knew his call. He didn't waver.

He ended his final blog post, published today, with these words:

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.

David Wilkerson, you will be missed. In a culture where celebrity is elevated, it's hard to say good bye to the real fathers. Your vision will continue because you chose well--to deposit your life into eternal purposes. Thank you for being an example of what it means to love and obey God. I'm really glad you get to laugh with your best friend tonight. Joy unspeakable, through and through.

“I’m not telling you to make the world better, because I don’t think that progress is necessarily part of the package,” she said. ”I’m just telling you to live in it. Not just to endure it, not just to suffer it, not just to pass through it, but to live in it. To look at it. To try to get the picture. To live recklessly. To take chances. To make your own work and take pride in it. To seize the moment. And if you ask me why you should bother to do that, I could tell you that the grave’s a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace. Nor do they sing there, or write, or argue, or see the tidal bore on the Amazon, or touch their children. And that’s what there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it.”

-Joan Didion

kindgom way

"The last thing the Lord Jesus did before his hands were bound was to heal."- Amy Carmichael

Finding Calcutta

I just finished reading a book titled Finding Calcutta, written by Mary Poplin. She is an academic who went to Calcutta to work with the Missionaries of Charity for a summer while Mother Theresa was still living. It's one of the best books I've read in a while.

One of the prayers that the sisters recited every morning after Mass was Cardinal Newman's prayer. It goes like this:

"Dear Jesus, help us to spread your fragrance everywhere we go. Flood our souls with your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess our whole being, so utterly, that our lives may only be a radiance of yours. Shine through us, and be so in us, that every soul we come in contact with may feel your presence in our soul. Let them look up and see no longer us but only Jesus! Stay with us, and then we shall begin to shine as you shine; so to shine as to be a light to others; the light O Jesus, will be all from you, none of it will ours; it will be you, shining on others through us. Let us thus praise you in the way you love best by shining on those around us. Let us preach you without preaching, not by words but by our example. By the catching force, the sympathetic influence of what we do, the evident fullness of the love our heart bears to you. Amen. "

Mother Theresa once wrote a letter to the sisters to encourage them to develop a deep and personal relationship with Jesus,

"Be careful of all that can block that personal contact with the living Jesus. The devil may try to use the hurts of life, and sometimes our own mistakes to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you. This is a danger for all of us. And so sad, because it is completely the opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you. Not only that He loves you, but even more--He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. he loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. when not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes--he is the one who always accepts you. My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe--you are precious to Him. Bring all your suffering to His feet--only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest."

Don't Ever Turn It Down

"true love is not the kind of thing you should turn down..."

Good Friday just wrapped up here on the east coast, and I am left with one thought--

When He says come, follow. Don't turn down His invitation...

It would be absolute insanity to turn down Jesus' love. When romance fads come and go, His heart never wavers, never misses a beat in loving me. I feel like I am such a poor lover. I am learning.

But how do I repay a love that moved from a throne to the floor to wash my feet? A love that embraced a crown of thorns, the God-man, giving up his very life to save the world.

I want to waste my life on this man. For His love to be my compass, directing every breath, every step. That his love would be written on every cell of my being. That when I pass from this life into forever, my heart would have His name written all over every part.

courage and rejoicing

Recently, I read 1 Peter with totally new eyes. This happened after a friend who is studying apologetics at Oxford informed me that the book is written by Peter to a persecuted group of believers. It amazes me that it was to this audience, within the context of extreme persecution, Peter wrote an observation of this community of friends,

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy..."

Then, today I felt a draw to read Philippians. I read it in a few translations, just wanting to soak up the meaning. Once again, I was left in awe. Paul is in jail, writing this letter to a group of people whom he loves deeply and can't wait to see again. Still, his time in jail is spent in joy and purpose, with a heart fully alive. He writes to his friends in Philippi,

"Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters,that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear."

Challenging does not begin to describe what I feel when reading the above passages. These are the people who took Jesus seriously. Who, because they loved Him deeply, they did what He commanded. They believed even in the face of death. And maybe their joy came from a place of freedom from death's grip--a revelation of eternity.

I recently heard a story about a girl my age who knew that God told her to go to a persecuted part of the Middle East. She told her pastor, who objected immediately because he was concerned for her safety. However, she knew in her heart that this wasn't just a small impression that could be easily forgotten. She was being sent. So with the prayers of her church, she went to this nation and set up a Bible school. Already a huge harvest has come from her bravery. She came home in one piece, but she went fully knowing that she may never make it back alive.

Courage.

That's the kind of courage that I want in my life. Where I can say with Paul, as he sits in that jail cell writing to his friends,

" I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."

thankful

Yesterday, my dad went to the doctor to get a stint in one of his main arteries, which was 99% blocked. He was possibly just a few days, maybe hours, away from a heart attack. People were praying, and I know those prayers are working...

Today, he and I worked in the garden, planted some berries, talked about the mint leaves that I've been growing but not tending. He seemed peaceful; a bit older. We talked about his health, and about how lifestyle changes are endorsed by doctors when scary events happen, but we have to really want those changes to make it happen. Sometimes it feels like will power isn't enough--like maybe what's really needed is a miracle.

Love births miracles.

Underneath the whole day, unspoken love was communicated. In that love, I felt such a desire to discover what really matters and to stop wasting my time on other pursuits. Blink of an eye. That's all any of us have. Listening to my dad share about what he still wants to do with his life, I realized that in his words he was sharing with me the legacy that I will inherit. That's exciting and full of joy, but also heavy. It makes me think about my own life and where I invest my time.

We have our mandate: do justly, love mercy, walk humbly, take care of the orphan and widow, keep yourself unspotted from the world. From where do these actions flow? The greatest command is this: love the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.

I want to learn this walk from Him. I want to take my feet off of a complacent pattern and place them on His path of life, where there is such grace to walk in fullness.

I'm so thankful that God gave my dad rescue yesterday. I'm thankful for good doctors and for a lot of powerful prayers and genuine love. I'm thankful that we have more days left to live out love.