are we there yet?
...home, home, home, home.


Today I was thinking. Not too hard, just general spacey thoughts about how faithful God has been and how brilliant He is at restoring. As I recall all of the times He's saved me from me, I realize that I do not at all understand this mystery we call grace. All I know is that it hovers over me, and with a single word from Abba, wraps all around me, invading me in the most brilliant of ways by making dead things come alive as ashes turn miraculously into beauty.

"Where there is ruin, there is hope for treasure."
-Rumi

...and there's nothin' you can do about it.

"Men go back to the mountains, as they go back to sailing ships at sea, because in the mountains and on the sea they must face up.”
-Henry David Thoreau



Today I was reading Anne Lamott's Travelling Mercies. This excerpt stood out to me:

"All those years I fell for the great palace lie that grief should be gotten over as quickly as possible and as privately. But what I've discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without direct experience of grief, will not heal it...We are a world in grief, and it is at once intolerable and a great opportunity. I'm pretty sure that it is only by experiencing that ocean of sadness in a naked and immediate way that we come to be healed--which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace...

and then, finally, grief ends up giving you the two best things: softness and illumination."

(the moon rising over the Cliffs of Moher)


Gather out of star-dust
Earth-dust,
Cloud-dust,
Storm-dust
And splinters of hail,
One handful of
dream-dust
Not for sale.
-Langston Hughes

"And here in dust and dirt,
O here,
The lilies of his love appear."

-George Herbert

180 South Trailer

I want to see this so bad!

The Road: A Broke Down Melody [Matt Costa]

thinking about hope

it's this force that brings good out of suffering and wholeness out of brokenness...

maybe the point of this crazy hope is that God really does set men free and invites them into the pages of the best story ever told.

stumbled upon this tonight:

"THERE'S ROOM IN THIS BOAT FOR YOU. That day the storm wakes him. Rumble of boots on the stairs and riot clang of sticks against shields fades with his dreams. Uneasy, blinking at the darkness, only the thunder rolling in, the first fat drops against the window. Ten, fifteen minutes go by. Something is wrong, some long-gone thing is missing. Suddenly he's afraid. He thinks, time is winning. Anvil-topped cloudcover on the mean and naked city, water high in the gutters and rising higher. No eyes lift to meet his. Androids? Machines made of expropriated bodies by order of the lunatics enthroned in the palaces of fascism? Placid faces ready to split and reveal maniac souls instructed by interstellar transmissions to slit his throat and eat his nose. This is a hole as deep as the Andes are high. He half expects the alleys to disgorge squads of boy soldiers in tattered party dresses and drugstore Halloween masks. A smell under the city stench like the coming of winter under the autumn breeze, faint but sharp and electric. A thin buzz in the ears, his mouth dries out, there's a metallic fuzz on his teeth. It's started, and today he knows. He swings between urgency at the thought of the pit opening up and swallowing everything and elation, euphoria, and the trip leaves him lightheaded. He worries over the things inside him that would crumble to dust if brought into the light. One more long day down, stepping out into the shadow of the skyscraper where he works. A man camped out in a doorway--bedroll, backpack, battered boombox. Hand out, or a cap, or a cup, he doesn't look just tosses in a buck. "Need new nine volts." The bum pats the radio. Blown speakers, sounds fuzzy and thin. Another dollar and the bum shrugs. "I was just passing through," he says. "You know." It bursts from the radio like a rider breaking the treeline in the distance, a lone voice and guitar, a messenger with a dispatch from the hours before the flood. Full, alive, angry, urgent, plunging deep and pulling up out of despair on the wing of joyous beautiful moments. This is a missive from a pilgrim like you, no return address or postmark, unsigned. It is a call to arms, a yell from the swamp, an echo of the dreamtime. It is a message from the resistance that will turn Caesar's guts cold-- Their game is rigged, it sings, but you cannot lose if you will not play. The devil doesn't want us to know, but we'll walk in the garden again. You are foul, but split you open and roses spill out. They are many, it sings, but in the end it only takes one. Listen. Fight. Dance like you got no bones. The sun will die but one fire will burn beyond time. There's still Love at the end of the world."
-- Ray Kranjcec

Check it: http://www.myspace.com/samrobertsband

"Does not a son know the father's heart? Does not a bride know her husband's eyes? And don't best friends tell each other secrets? This is why I am alive...

to know You.

Nothing's better than Your presence. May my love be poured upon Your head, Your hands, Your feet."

-Rick Pino

"i am richer than the richest, for You have given me Your love."

our decisions in times of battle

will be with us the whole journey

honor [shawn bolz]

love came down [brian johnson]

-----

"Another kind of leader must arise from among us. He must be the old prophet type, a man who has seen visions of God and has heard a voice from the throne. When he comes (and I pray God there will be many) he will stand in flat contradiction to everything our smirking, smooth civilization holds dear. He will contradict, denounce and protest in the name of God and will earn the hatred and opposition of a large segment of Christendom. Such a man is likely to be lean, rugged, blunt-spoken and a little bit angry with the world. He will love Christ and the souls of men to the point of willingness to die for the glory of the one and the salvation of the other. But he will fear nothing that breaths with mortal breath." -a.w. tozer

♥

"Love looks into the future and sees possibilities that do not currently exist. Love is larger than the moment; love is larger than the present tense...compassion breaks the cycle of violence and creates new life."
-Jon Foreman


"Love is the final fight."
-John Perkins

in.spir.a.tion

Check out my friend Ashley's incredible blog:

No Coward Heart

Open up the heavens,
let Your glory fall.
Open up our hearts,
that we may know You.
-ian mcintosh

Your glory changes hearts. Change my heart, God. I want to see You and to know You.

The honors of this world...

what are they but puff, and emptiness, and peril of falling?
- Joseph Addison.

trying to learn how to build

bridges instead of walls

A Product of Forced Tutoring

Downtown
Middle of winter, midnight
Voices still echo on the street
But none come and whisper
"Are you okay?"

Sitting
She stares out from her spot on the bench
Like a bird who is ready to fly
Yet the teacher left too soon
She, the forsaken

Hope
springs again with the reminder
All is not as it should be
but there is good left
a rescue at the break of dawn

it's a promise

"I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places....." (Isaiah 45:2&3)

Love is a dangerous idea. Grace is a dangerous idea. Forgiveness is the kind of idea that will mess your life up, for the better, but there’s nothing safe about loving your enemy. That’s what I want for my life. Let’s not be safe. Let’s be real and raw and alive.

- Jonathan Acuff

make each day

your masterpiece

woah! uh.maz.ing.

Check out this article from Sound Loft! [click here]

A little bit of Edna St. Vincent Millay

An Ancient Gesture:

I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
Penelope did this too.
And more than once: you can't keep weaving all day
And undoing it all through the night;
Your arms get tired, and the back of your neck gets tight;
And along towards morning, when you think it will never be light,
And your husband has been gone, and you don't know where, for years.
Suddenly you burst into tears;
There is simply nothing else to do.

And I thought, as I wiped my eyes on the corner of my apron:
This is an ancient gesture, authentic, antique,
In the very best tradition, classic, Greek;
Ulysses did this too.
But only as a gesture,—a gesture which implied
To the assembled throng that he was much too moved to speak.
He learned it from Penelope...
Penelope, who really cried.


Afternoon on a Hill:


I will be the gladdest thing
Under the sun!
I will touch a hundred flowers
And not pick one.

I will look at cliffs and clouds
With quiet eyes,
Watch the wind bow down the grass,
And the grass rise.

And when lights begin to show
Up from the town,
I will mark which must be mine,
And then start down!



Modern Declaration:

I, having loved ever since I was a child a few things, never having
wavered
In these affections; never through shyness in the houses of the
rich or in the presence of clergymen having denied these
loves;
Never when worked upon by cynics like chiropractors having
grunted or clicked a vertebra to the discredit of those loves;
Never when anxious to land a job having diminished them by a
conniving smile; or when befuddled by drink
Jeered at them through heartache or lazily fondled the fingers of
their alert enemies; declare

That I shall love you always.
No matter what party is in power;
No matter what temporarily expedient combination of allied
interests wins the war;
Shall love you always.

Learning from Wooden

I took a trip to the library today with Siobhan. She needed a break from the house and I just felt like meandering among books for a few hours. I picked up one with various stories written by individuals who became successful in life. Towards the back of the book, there was a chapter written by John Wooden. The more I learn about him, the more I love him. Even after death, he will continue to influence lives. That's legacy.

In the chapter written by him, he began to share about how his dad impacted his life. Abraham Lincoln said, "There's nothing stronger than gentleness," and Mr. Joshua Hugh Wooden lived out this principle of strength. When John graduated from grade school, Mr. Wooden gave him a card with a verse on the front by Reverend Henry Van Dyke. His dad said to him, "Son, try to live up to what you'll find in this card."

This is the verse:

Four things a man must learn to do if he would make his life more true
To think without confusion, clearly
To love his fellow man, sincerely
To act from honest motives, purely
To trust in God and Heaven, securely


On the other side of the card there was a seven point creed....

Be true to yourself; help others, that's where you get your greatest joy; make each day your masterpiece; drink deeply from good books, especially the Bible; Make friendship a fine art/ build a shelter against a rainy day
And, pray for guidance and give thanks for your blessings every day.


John Wooden must have taken his dad's words of instruction seriously.

I want to take them seriously, too.

summer fuel

Listen
Learn
Live
Love
Laugh

amazing

http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/switchfoot/sound-john-m-perkins-blues--218681915

Good Word

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLPydDXUD6c

Bill Johnson, Your Personal History With God

"I was just doing what I could with what I had where I was." -Bob Dylan

Making and climbing the ladder at the same time.

Hopeful Street Art is Something I Like...a lot

e.e. cummings

Nica Dinner

(My dinner tonight. Mmmm good.)

I've been missing Nicaragua off and on all day, so I made myself a nice meal of black beans, rice, friend plantains, and avocado.


I should just start doing a job search for places to work down there. Maybe that's not the most lucrative path, but at least I could learn spanish and be surrounded by a culture and a people that I love.

I have a peace about what comes next, though. Tomorrow I start the search. My resume is getting fixed up and pimped up, which is hard for myself cause sometimes I wish that the world didn't function within a market where you have to sell yourself. I actually don't know that I can actually do that successfully, so it may just need to be a case of me putting my best foot forward and God giving favor and open doors. Striving ain't my forte and I don't want to start a precedent of that in my life. Trusting God takes courage. And it preserves character. Sounds like a better option to me.

a very very unbirthday

it's my half birthday today! woo-hoo!

I get more excited about this day than the celebration of my real day of birth. In celebration...

So Incredibly Lovely...

(thank you Ashley for passing this along. And to Matt for...discovering?)

This song makes me dream and to believe that forever is possible, bringing images like this to mind:





_____________________________

Artist: Fun
Song: The Gambler
Lyrics:


Slow down,
we've got time left to be lazy
All the kids have bloomed from babies into flowers in our eyes.
We've got 50 good years left to spend out in the garden
I don't care to beg your pardon,
We should live until we die.

We were barely 18 when we'd crossed collective hearts.
It was cold, but it got warm when you'd barely crossed my eye.
and then you turned, put out your hand,
and you asked me to dance.
I knew nothing of romance, but it was love at second sight.

I swear when I grow up, I won't just buy you a rose.
I will buy the flower shop, and you will never be lonely.
Even if the sun stops waking up over the fields
I will not leave, I will not leave 'till it's our time.
So just take my hand, you know that I will never leave your side.

It was the winter of '86, and all the fields had frozen over.
So we moved to Arizona to save our only son
and now he's turning to a man, although he thinks just like his mother,
he believes we're all just lovers he sees hope in everyone.

And even though she moved away,
we always get calls from our daughter.
She has eyes just like her father's
they are blue when skies are grey
And just like him, she never stops,
Never takes the day for granted,
works for everything that's handed to her,
Never once complains.

You think that I nearly lost you
When the doctors tried to take you away.
But like the night you took my hand beside the fire
30 years ago to this day
You swore you'd be here 'til we decide that it's our time
Well it's not time, you've never quit in all your life.
So just take my hand, you know that I'll never leave your side.
You're the love of my life, you know that I'll never leave your side.

You come home from work and you kiss me on the eye
You curse the dogs and say that I should never feed them what is ours
and the kids are coming home
I'll set the table
You can make the fire.

A New Favorite Song

Thank you, Nathan, for the recommendation. I love this song.

--------------------

Artist: Ritter Josh
Song: Bone Of Song
Lyrics:

just where it now lies I can no longer say
I found it on a cold and November day
in the roots of a sycamore tree where it had hid so long
in a box made out of myrtle lay the bone of song
the bone of song was a jawbone old and bruised
and worn out in the service of the muse
and along its sides and teeth were written words
I ran my palm along them and I heard
lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness
I am the only unquiet ghost that does not seek rest
the words on the bone of song were close and small
and though their tongues were dead I found I knew them all
in the hieroglyphs of quills and quatrain lines
Osiris—the fall of Troy—Auld Lang Syne
Kathleen Mauvoreen—Magnificat—Your Cheatin’ Heart
the chords of a covenant king singing for the Ark
then I saw on a white space that was left
a blessing written older than the rest
it said leave me here I care not for wealth or fame
I’ll remember your song – but I’ll forget your name
the words that I sang blew off like the leaves in the wind
and perched like birds in the branches before landing on the bone again
then the bone was quiet it said no more to me
so I wrapped it in the ribbons of a sycamore tree
and as night had come I turned around and headed home
with a lightness in my step and a song in my bones
lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness
I am the only unquiet ghost that does not seek rest

Union Station Friendship

A few days ago I went with my sister and my friend into DC to go meander in the Sculpture Garden where a free Jazz Festival was happening. We didn't have much time to chill, but before we headed home we wanted to grab some grub. We all just graduated from school, so the wallet is a bit tight and the food at the festival was expensive.

So we decided to take a walk...definitely longer than I expected...a few blocks to Union Station.

There are some decisions that I look back on and think, "That was one of the best things I ever did with my life." What happened next was one of them.

We finally got into Union Station and took the escalator down to the bottom section. I decided I wanted a smoothie. There were two smoothie shops visible as I turned the corner. I almost went to the one further away, but decided to go instead to the shop closest to the escalator. A lovely Asian woman approached me, smiled hugely, and asked in broken english what I would like. I ordered my strawberry-banana smoothie. She rang me up and asked about my stay in DC. I told her I lived close by, but that a lot of friends were coming up to visit for a graduation party. She congratulated me and wished me a great time. I told her thank you and left (afraid of making her uncomfortable, since I can tend to be overly excited about things like smoothies and people).

My friend started to go to the other smoothies stand, but then decided to get the same thing as me (after tasting the brilliance!). I stood by the counter and waited for my friend to finish, and in the process caught the eye of the lovely lady who helped me. We smiled at each other, and I told her how delicious she made my smoothie.

Suddenly she starts moving towards me, with three oranges in her hands. I was thinking, "Does she want me to buy those?" She put them up on the counter--the most graceful handling of fruit I have ever seen in my life--and looked at me. "These are...a...gift. For you."

I cannot even begin to describe the love that hit my heart and then exploded inside of me in that moment. I looked at her and all I could think was, "You are so beautiful. I love you." It was intense.

We took pictures together (which is a big deal for me, because I'm not usually the one to volunteer myself for a photo-shoot). Then, I had to leave to get home. But I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay there for hours, asking her about her life growing up in Korea and about her time living in Northern Virginia and working in the metro station.

It was a moment of heart transformation. A moment where a person took precedence over my agenda and my worried thoughts for the future. I loved her. I do love her. She is beautiful. And I think a seed was planted in my heart for the nation of Korea--which is something only God could have done.

I hope I see her again one day. She will probably never know the impact she's had on my life.

"I trusted in your steadfast love,
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation."
-Psalm 13:5

mmm reminders

We shall not cease from exploration
and the end of all our exploring
will be to arrive where we started
and know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
when the last of earth left to discover
is that which was the beginning
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
and children in the apple tree
Not known because not looked for
but heard, half heard in the stillness
between two waves of the sea
Quick now, here, now, always -
a condition of complete simplicity
(costing not less than everything)
and all shall be well and
all manner of things shall be well,
when the tongue of flame are enfolded
into the crowned knot of fire
and the fire and the rose are one.
Little Gidding - T.S. Eliot

wow anger,

you sure got a lot deeper into my heart than I realized. hope there is a remedy and fast.

"you're a door-without-a-key, a field-without-a-fence
you made a holy fool of me and I've thanked you ever since.
if she comes circling back we'll end where we'd begun
like two pennies on the train track the train crushed into one
or if I'm a crown without a king, if I'm a broken open seed
if I come without a thing, then I come with all I need
no boat out in the blue, no place to rest your head,
the trap I set for you seems to have caught my leg instead!"

-mewithoutyou, in a sweater poorly knit

"I was born, I was born to sing for you" -U2

After a crazy weekend full of people and celebration, I've felt the downhill emotional tilt that tells me rest and low-key living may be necessary for the next week. Since I'm one of those odd people who gets joy out of cleaning, that's what I did for part of today (this is possibly motivated by the fact that I am now living back home and my mom made it clear that such behavior is necessary).

As I was cleaning the bathroom floor (possibly my least favorite thing to clean), a John Mark McMillan song came on my iPod that brought me back in time to a few weeks ago in Seattle, where I attended a worship service that he was leading. I went into the service thinking, "aye, another church thing. great." I left with quite a different perspective. That evening taught me something about the power of a song and what happens when it becomes your own.

As I got over my awkwardness in being surrounded by people I did not know, I found myself worshipping along with these brothers and sisters on the west coast. I've been to a worship service with John Mark before back in Maryland, and it was awesome. But there was something different about the atmosphere in Seattle. At one point I opened my eyes, surrounded by a presence that brought tears to my eyes. We were singing the song Ten Thousand, and as it got to the chorus, hands went into the air and everyone started singing at the top of their lungs,

"World, I've overcome you, world. By my song and the blood of a Son."

I became witness to a choir of teenagers who could have spent all evening in that room, singing that line alone.

I've heard that song a hundred times. It's one of my favorites. But not until then did I sing it with such intensity. I was surrounded by young people who almost needed that declaration of victory just to survive. Their hearts felt like they were about to jump out of their chest and into the heavens..."GOD, I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU. IT'S BY YOU THAT I OVERCOME."

Later that evening I had a conversation via text with a friend back east. After I described the evening best I could, he reminded me of the motivation behind old spirituals. They were written and sung by a people who needed those words to make it through each day. They needed those songs to survive. The lyrics weren't just cute words strung together for an evening of entertainment. They had power to sustain and to motivate change.

Now I think about music differently. I notice more now the songs that I feel deep within my heart when I sing them. I feel like those songs tell me a bit of who I am--a bit of how I've been designed and what makes my heart beat fast to the point of longing for wings to fly. And it makes me see people differently. I see in the songs they love both their hardships and victories, struggles and triumphs...and what they hold onto as a battle cry.

Oh the reminders that come while cleaning...

Here is the song:

ponderings

how does one exist between the place of belonging and the place of letting go?

a reminder from a friend

stated during a conversation about current transitions...

"I can imagine it's an interesting place, where you are at righ tnow. I'm sure a bit self revealing. You gotta get a bit down and dirty to find where and what it is you're looking for now or going for. Ah but with the search comes a story. And you do love stories. :)"

Thank you, D.

could someone please tell me

everything i've forgotten?

If I could meet any movie star

I would want (or have wanted) to meet Audrey Hepburn.
Not many people have such an enduring loveliness. Her's is timeless.

And who doesn't love someone who saw the world in a way that caused her to say things like,
“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone” or "Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." (this is advice I need big time right now.)

That's profound, life altering, timeless stuff right there.

(sometimes) i wish i could be cool like you

but it's just not working out for me.
i don't know the right the lingo, read the right books, listen to the right music, wear the right clothes.
it's just too much work and i get tired just thinking about trying to be that cool.

Revival Hymn

Re: Stacks lyrics [bon iver]

This my excavation and today is Kumran
Everything that happens is from now on
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed

I keep throwing it down two hundred at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
When your money's gone
And you're drunk as hell

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks are your load
In the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load

I've twisting to the sun I needed to replace
The fountain in the front yard is rusted out
All my love was down
In a frozen ground

There's a black crow sitting across from me; his wiry legs are crossed
And he's dangling my keys he even fakes a toss
Whatever could it be
That has brought me to this loss?

On your back with your racks as the stacks as your load
In the back and the racks and the stacks of your load
In the back with your racks and you're unstacking your load

This is not the sound of a new man or crispy realization

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Your love will be
Safe with me

finding your voice

finally, it clicked!

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HOME AND DONE WITH UNDERGRAD.

waiting for the bloom

“I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you, and that you will work them, water them with your blood and tears and you laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”

Fresh Tears

"There is a sacredness in tears... They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” {Washington Irving}

I've cried a lot (at least more than what is usual for me) the last few days. The tears started coming as I talked with my mom about the state of my heart one evening, then a single tear came down my cheek as I sat in the chair at the dentist's with a baking soda concoction flying all over my face as it missed my mouth (and for some reason, I had no shame in that tear, nor could I find any reason to offer an apology). I cried in the car on the way to pick up my friend from the airport, and while walking around the track behind my house in an attempt to process why these tears were coming so easily and without warning.

I'm not sure if this rare surplus of tears is in response to the end of an old season or the beginning of something new. Maybe they are taking me both thru an exit door and leading me to an entrance. I was hoping they would become a balm to a place in my heart that has become increasingly achy, yet they just keep making it feel worse. Usually I associate an achy heart with the temporary pain of unrequited love, with my strategy to relieve the ache being a gritting of the teeth and a picking up of speed in an attempt to keep moving forward.

How many more times will my teeth be okay with my clenched, stubborn jaw? Will moving on ever be the wrong action? Maybe sometimes it's okay to stay, to risk, to let love have the fighting chance that all those romantics speak of so fondly. But with all my processing, I usually leave with a "give me time" that is heard as I've already made my retreat into a place of sorting life out, and return to find that it's too late to say, "ok, let's take the risk." I don't move fast enough before people move on, taking too long and caring too much about making sure nothing can further hurt me, but instead I just feel that rejected abandonment all over again.

Aye my tears, what do I do with you? Maybe slide you into a nicely decorated bottle and drive east so that I can quickly throw you into the Atlantic, and then drive home and move on into the next season. Or maybe it's just one of those things where I have to let God catch them like He promised, trusting that He knows the plan better than my heart can understand, and that when I am found in His love, I'm never alone.

I think that regardless of what the tears may mean or what they are trying to say, they've been wanting to come for a long time without me allowing them the freedom to do so. I'll let them be the eloquent messengers of both grief and love for as long as they need.

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” {Alex Tan}

poetry for a sleepless night

“We make ourselves a place apart

Behind light words that tease and flout,

But oh, the agitated heart

Til someone find us really out.”

- Robert Frost

my desire

I would like to develop a single relentless stance.

in my life

may You be everything and may You be enough.

You be lifted up.

if time's a good storyteller...

then i'm thankful for time...for time that rides on the wings of faith and leads to fullness of life.

as things change, You remain the same. my friend. my staunch supporter. the One who is behind me and in front of me and all around me, all the time. i'll never understand that completely--never comprehend your love that is full of care and loyalty and pursuit. I want to know You. that's how I want to spend my life. some people may call it a waste, an ignorant pursuit. i don't care. i've tasted. i've seen. You're the only way to go. mark my heart. make it all Yours, tattooed with your name, sealed with Your blood.

"Faith is a code to accept that Jesus knows my whole life story, every skeleton in my closet, every moment of sin, shame, dishonesty, degradedness darkening my past. Right now he knows my shallow faith, my feeble prayer life, my inconsistent discipleship, and he comes beside me and he says, I dare you to trust. I dare you to trust that I love you, just as you are and not as you should be..." -brendan manning

i'm so thankful that You see me as i should be, though. and that You are willing to put Yourself on the line to see that person come out of the ashes.

***

[Be] daring enough to be different, humble enough to make mistakes, wild enough to be burnt in the fire of love, real enough to make others see how phony [you] are.

-brendan manning

i need to remember

how to spend time with my best friend. i feel like i don't know how to anymore.

Early Morning Reminder...

from the wise Oswald Chambers, from My Utmost for His Highest, June 2...

it speaks directly to some of my own fears:

"If we are obsessed by God, nothing else can get into our lives— not concerns, nor tribulation, nor worries. And now we understand why our Lord so emphasized the sin of worrying. How can we dare to be so absolutely unbelieving when God totally surrounds us? To be obsessed by God is to have an effective barricade against all the assaults of the enemy.

“He himself shall dwell in prosperity . . .” ( Psalm 25:13 ). God will cause us to “dwell in prosperity,” keeping us at ease, even in the midst of tribulation, misunderstanding, and slander, if our “life is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3). We rob ourselves of the miraculous, revealed truth of this abiding companionship with God. “God is our refuge . . .” ( Psalm 46:1 ). Nothing can break through His shelter of protection."

Amen.

post-craziness blues

just got home after a crazy month of non-stop action. now, I don't know what to do with myself or where I fit or where to point my compass. i would like a map. it's nowhere to be found at the moment. i'm a bit sad and slightly off-center. i wish i had a room and a bed and that I could go play dress up and house with my siblings. so much changes with growing up. it's a bit uncomfortable. what to do, what to do?