Getting lost at night in the dark with a phone that is about to die has a way of stirring up my imagination in the same way a dark room caused me to see mean creatures as I went to sleep as a little girl.

It's amazing how those fears from so long ago never fully retreated as I advanced in years. They still have a way of finding me when my guard is down and my circumstances are out of control.

Hmmmm....

Psalm 91

Sometimes Important Details Aren't Printed in the History Books

from Tell Your Heart to Beat Again:


In an asylum that dealt with severely mentally retarded and disturbed individuals was a girl called Little Annie. Totally unresponsive to the staff's many attempts to help her, she was finally confined to a cell in the basement of the asylum and given up as hopeless.

One of the workers, however, spent her lunch hours in front of Annie's cell, reading to her and praying that God would free her from her prison of silence. Day after day, this woman came to Little Annie's door, but the little girl made no response.

Then, many months later, the little girl began to speak and, amazingly, within two years she was told that she could leave the asylum and enjoy a normal life. But Little Annie chose not to leave, and instead stayed on to work with other patients.

Nearly half a century later, at a special ceremony to honor her life, Helen Keller was asked to what she would attribute her success at overcoming her handicaps. She replied, "If it hadn't been for Ann Sullivan, I wouldn't be here today."

Ann Sullivan, who tenaciously loved and believed in an incorrigible blind and deaf girl named Helen Keller, was Little Annie.

For times when night seems longer than day...

We have confidence that out of the very soil that is reddend by the blood of our broken hearts, there shall blossom life that is as endless as the life of God. Against all the demons of fear and despair that roam through the shadows of ignorance and skepticism Jeuss sets His cross. There it stands today, the one sufficient bulwark of our hope, bcause it reveals to us a purpose and a power to resolve the tragdy into transfiguration and to crown evry tomb with the hope of a resurrection.

-Albert Edward Day

How do you rearrange a room?

One item at a time.

Thank You

for:

sidewalk chalk
sailboats
paint
paintbrushes
tom sawyer (thus mark twain)
pirate stories
fire
friends who care
fishing rods
mulch
gentle breezes
kind eyes
smiles (and people with smile wrinkles)
free lance whales
dreams
second (third, fourth, fifth...) chances
hope
new life (baby cries)
forgiveness
jazz
mahalia jackson
passion
resurrection
simple prayers
meals with family
milkshakes
inspiring movies
friendship


lots more. this is just the list for tonight.

Hike.

Fresh air and higher ground= what I'm longing for right now.

And to finally figure out what I'm supposed to do--that thing that makes me come alive.

This hike might take me far away.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared.

I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't miserable for something new.

Cause I can't stay at this height anymore.

Love that is Lived in the Image of God

"Now love is appreciative of others. It sees the good and the possibility of good in them. It takes account of their weakness and their trials and the struggles, whether vain or successful. It appeals to the best in them as to the true self. It beholds every man an ideal of that man, and will address itself to that ideal, in nothing put off by what the outward appearance may present to the contrary."
-R.H. Boll

Kindness Remains

For the mountains shall depart
And the hills be removed,
But My kindness shall not depart from you,
Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed,”
Says the LORD, who has mercy on you.
“ O you afflicted one,
Tossed with tempest, and not comforted,
Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems,
And lay your foundations with sapphires.
I will make your pinnacles of rubies,
Your gates of crystal,
And all your walls of precious stones.
All your children shall be taught by the LORD,
And great shall be the peace of your children.
In righteousness you shall be established;
You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear.

[isaiah 54:10--14]

Psalm 42, Amplified

AS THE hart pants and longs for the water brooks, so I pant and long for You, O God.

2My inner self thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and behold the face of God?

3My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, Where is your God?

4These things I [earnestly] remember and pour myself out within me: how I went slowly before the throng and led them in procession to the house of God [like a bandmaster before his band, timing the steps to the sound of music and the chant of song], with the voice of shouting and praise, a throng keeping festival.

5Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, my Help and my God.

6O my God, my life is cast down upon me [and I find the burden more than I can bear]; therefore will I [earnestly] remember You from the land of the Jordan [River] and the [summits of Mount] Hermon, from the little mountain Mizar.

7[Roaring] deep calls to [roaring] deep at the thunder of Your waterspouts; all Your breakers and Your rolling waves have gone over me.

8Yet the Lord will command His loving-kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me, a prayer to the God of my life.

9I will say to God my Rock, Why have You forgotten me? Why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?

10As with a sword [crushing] in my bones, my enemies taunt and reproach me, while they say continually to me, Where is your God?

11Why are you cast down, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him, Who is the help of my countenance, and my God.

faith, hope, love

Trust steadily in God; hope unswervingly, love extravagantly.

Bill Johnson Teaching on Healing out of Intimacy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYvh2Hoe9Nk

"I look back with wonder"

"Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house, like a lot of houses. A yard like a lot of other yards. On a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back...with wonder."
[Kevin, from the Wonder Years]



I spent a large portion of yesterday (the literal yesterday, as in 24 hours ago) interviewing my grandma for a documentary I'm putting together to wrap up my senior year of college.

A few days ago, my family found out that a good friend of ours from my mom's childhood days is in the hospital. He's about the same age as my grandma, and although going to the hospital is not necessarily synonymous with death, the mere fact of his age mixed with the visit brought into close view the reality of earthly mortality. My grandma is not going to be here forever.

She won't always be here to eat oatmeal with me in the morning as we sip coffee and talk about life. She won't always be a phone call away, telling me as she hangs up, "I'll pray for you, and you pray for me." There won't be a chance to help her down the steps or to hear her witty replies to comments that my brother makes. She's my biggest fan when it comes to my piano playing attempts--and those exclamations of, "That was so beautiful!" won't always be uttered. She really won't be here forever. And neither will I.

Something about that feels final. At least final in the sense that for a little while, we won't be together.

And all of this led me to a compelling feeling that yelled, "I need to capture her story." She has one, just like I have one. Just one. That's it. And where she's come from, where she is right now, where she's headed--that all matters to me. It matters to my story. It's part of my story. I don't want to miss this chance to learn from her--because at this point in my life, with all the transitioning that's showing me how little I know--I need the treasure of her wisdom and experiences.

So i listened. I listened with ears alert and heart awake so as not to miss a single detail (which, if anyone really knows me, they know this can sometimes be a battle for me to do). I had three separate cameras running, for fear of missing something. I asked so many questions...


"Nanny, where did you grow up?"--New York City

"What cool things did you do?"--I rode my bike around the city and watched as they built the empire state building (WHAT?!? Cause you know, I get to do things like that all the time.)

"How did you get through the Great Depression?"--my mom was a strong woman and my older siblings worked hard. They worked so hard that I was able to go to college.

"What do you think is the most important thing in life?"--DON'T be materialistic (this she said about ten times, and that is not an exaggeration). Be content with what you have. That's what's important.

"What was one of your great accomplishments?" I won an award for writing an essay called Catholicism and Patriotism as Antidotes for Communism (ohh, that's all huh? haha. See what I have to live up to?)

There was so much more. I need to go back and watch the video clips to remember everything.

However, I am amazed at the details with which she recounted the events of her life. She knew the whole story of how her mother came over to Ellis Island from Ireland, and then how her father and mother met. (It's a beautiful love story. One of the best I've ever heard--and it takes quite a bit to impress me in that area.) She remembered when her father died when she was eight. She remembered how her mother would respond to people when they asked if she would marry again... "How could I? I had the best." She knew the architectural details of the house where she lived, the exact floor of their small apartment, the exact street where it was located, the directions from her house to her favorite places. She told me about how men would sleep in cardboard boxes because they had no place to go, and how her mother taught her to take notice of them--to not pass by as if they were not important.

I don't know how much wonder she has looking back on her life, but I sure can do that for her...
and I hope my childhood memories stick with me for the longhaul, just like her's are still very vivid in her memory.

How I wish I could, if just for a day, go back in time and experience with her some of the events that shaped her life. But since I can't, I'm growing even more thankful for the beautiful gift of imagination--that even if I can't go there physically, my mind can recreate the events and help me to grow from her story.

______________________________________________


"A man's age is something impressive, it sums up his life: maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves. A man's age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Wartime Writings 1939-1944


My grandma--she impresses me. In many ways she figured out how she wanted to live and stuck to it. What amazing character. She wanted to be honest in everything.

I hope that as I grow, that is the kind of character that develops in my life. Instead of giving into the pressures of society, I hope that I can be someone who remains constant in my desire of seeking after the things that matter most, whether I find myself surrounded by circumstances favorable or unfavorable. It's easy to cave in. But in the end, that's what strips you of the brilliance that comes from living fully alive in all of the desiring, hoping, heartaching and loving that accompanies the journey on this side of heaven.

I'm so thankful that I was able to spend those few hours listening. It's funny how just a few hours can have an impact that lasts for a whole lifetime.

Actually, a few seconds could accomplish that. She could have just said, "What's destroying your generation is that no one is content," and that may have been enough for me to never be the same.

seconds.

and a whole life is changed.

sure puts the power of a moment and of a story into perspective.

_____________________________________

Nanny,

Thank you for being brave enough to really live. ♥

Love,
Caitlin

_______________________________________

"Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well; making them old men and women inexorably enough, but leaving their hearts and spirits young and in full vigour. With such people the grey head is but the impression of the old fellow's hand in giving them his blessing, and every wrinkle but a notch in the quiet calendar of a well-spent life."
~Charles Dickens

sometimes beauty...

Sometimes beauty makes my heart ache. Literally.

I don't understand that though. How could something so overwhelming lovely to the senses also bring pain? Maybe because it awakens the heart to desire--and often the purest of desires seem to be the hardest and most pain-staking to satisfy--maybe even never to be satisfied here on earth. In moments like these, I find myself thankful that C.S. Lewis took time to pen this thought--

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

in my silent protests...

"Life cannot be understood flat on a page. It has to be lived. A person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath... We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn't it?"
-Donald Miller

full...full...full speed ahead!

I feel a new adventure approaching.

"All my maps have been overthrown."

Time to step into the row boat and set out.

(It just occured to me that a row boat is most likely a very slow form of transportation. But at least it will build strong arms...I hope.)

"Full speed ahead!" :-)

OCD

Tonight I made some decaf coffee. When I went to get a mug, I didn't just grab any mug. I had to have the one that was the most aesthetically pleasing to my eyes. So I took out the nice marbley black one. Why the heck does that matter?! Why couldn't I just drink out of the one that says, "Praise the Lord!" or "World's best _________." Why did I just want a basic, clean, simple mug? I am just not sure. Maybe I should find out.

I also hate re-using those plastic cups that people use at parties. My mom used to have us wash them and keep them. I'm glad she abandoned that practice. OH, and I like the table settings to always match--and only be plastic if absolutely necessary.

And when I go to sleep at night, if I am in a rush and run out of time to make my bed in the morning, I have to make it before I proceed to unmake it and go to sleep.

What is wrong with me?

let's insist on the impossible

"So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care...
we could insist on the impossible."
-Frank Turner, Love Ire & Song

"Let's turn our prayers into outrageous dares." -Wilco


What does it look like to insist on the impossible? What exactly do I mean when i say I want to see the impossible happen? To live in a place of intimacy with the Father, while simultaneously risking it all on Him--prayers turned into outrageous dares? For what?

I want to know what that looks like. I want to live what that looks like.

Not settling for the wisdom of men. The esteem of men. The pleasures of this world.

"What is impossible with men is possible with God."
-Jesus, Luke 18:27

Ah! To live like I believe this. That's what I'm craving.

Ten more weeks?!?

Another night at the j-lab is wrapping up. My flash projects are complete. My documentary treatment is in progress.

Just.Ten.More.Weeks.

Wow.

As much as I'm getting cabin fever, I'm gonna miss this place, the friends I've made, the beach, the lovely j-lab that's become more like my room than my actual room (sad, I know).

Learning how to transition is notvery graceful. At least I don't feel very graceful in it. I think it would be cool to walk around like I was Audrey Hepburn all the time--always seeming intact. But maybe the point of all this craziness is brilliant--Cause then I get to trust Abba. "Blessed are those who don't know where they're going." Hrmph. To show weakness. Ouch. But in the end, "Yaaaaaaaaaay!"

On that note, I like surprises and all, but I wouldn't mind a small hint.

:-)

And now it's time to call it a night.

Owen Barfield poem

What is the sound of light?
The relative speed of thought?
How to measure synaptic delay
Sensation and cognition
The curve of the energy
And what happens in the gaps?

What is the sound of light?
The relative speed of thought?
How to measure the curve of the Universe?
The vaulting arc of expansion and spirit?

The great cosmos an interior vector
A point and direction deep in the soul
Be still, turn inward, and ride the arc up
Listen to the speed of the spirit
And feel the sound of light

After all, we are stewards not kings
Because though we naturally
Must possess all things
For anything to be
Only an eye single to darkness
Caught up in the roaring
Of data and stress
Could finally fail to see
That the world is not me

You can take nothing
There is only giving
No annihilation possible
There is only living

If only seeing is believing
Then night must surely fall
Alone in the dregs of grieving
We swallow it all

Lost on the edge of space
Loneliness says to face
Okay, I see it your way
Let’s turn this awful night to day

What is the sound of light?
The relative speed of thought?
The only measure
A deep buried treasure
Is caught up in song inside
We cannot stand above it
At last we must just love it
And go along for the ride

Listening to Mumford and Sons All Morning!

"There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be."

[from Sigh No More]

Love Well...

"Dante, who loved well because he hated, Hated wickedness that hinders love..."


-the brilliant robert browning.