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“What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.” [Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]

Ah the heart. Its anatomy: "a muscular organ that pumps blood to all parts of the body. The rhythmic beating of the heart is a ceaseless activity, lasting from before birth to the end of life." Its spiritual nature: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."[prov. 4:23]

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The gift of a long weekend after intense travelling provokes lots of thinking. Not the kind of thinking that is a by-product of living in survival mode to get through the week, filling up my weekly planner with to-dos and to-sees. It's the kind that makes me uncomfortable because it touches cobwebbed corners in my life, daring me to start living.

Yesterday, my friend Ashley and I went for a drive. Over the course of the evening the topic turned to that of living from the heart. God has been challenging her to this kind of lifestyle. One of the many things I love about Ashley is that she responds to those challenges--because she longs to live in fullness. She is purposing to live from her heart--not out of a place of striving, but out of a place of feeling God's heart beating through her in everything that she does.

In the past, I would have quickly connected with that conversation, fully agreeing. Last night, it was a different story. I found myself trying to remember what that felt like--to live from the heart--to fight the quick pace of culture. The risky business of doing everything from a deep well. I couldn't even feel the stirring of that conviction any more. It felt numb, distant. Foreign even. Yes, I'm probably still exhausted from lots of travelling and slow deposits of rest, yet I know that this disconnect goes further back than just today. I can't blame it on the travel schedule. It's a culmination of lots of days, plus lots of days, plus lots more days...of ignoring the essentials.

So I wake up today wanting to know how to revive what feels dead (although, if I know God at all, I know that anything that feels even slightly dead is ready for a resurrection--and that thought gives hope). I want my heart to beat strong with the risk taking feistiness of kingdom seekers, past and present. Living from the heart, I'm convinced, is living with faith, hope, and love. And those are words I haven't even started to understand. All I know is that I want to get stripped down to these essentials. It's crazy to think that the essentials really are all that matters--all that you need.

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I'm thankful for a college education. It's developed character, helped me grow, connected me with some amazing individuals, brought me on crazy adventures. What I'm not excited about is how I feel jaded towards the future. What has me in a slight panic is that my bank of dreams feels like it's been held up and emptied by a terrible gunman.


May is quickly approaching. This is the May that I think I've been waiting for my entire life--the one where I walk across the stage, get the diploma, throw the cap. Where I can finally say to all the doubters, "Yes, I actually CAN finish something that I start!" Yeah. That's right. "I'm not a child of an alcoholic statistic. I'm gonna be different." The May that's supposed to push me into a bright, successful future. Where I get to make my mark on the world. Where I become a strong, independent force. Barf. When I'm not thinking correctly, life seems to revolve around and start with that day. That diploma. That degree. It's like the start of proving to the world that I can handle all those weighty expectations for success.

It's difficult to remember that life is bigger than a diploma. Thank God that definition by achievements does not have to be my story.

I just want to live for the weight of glory.

As C.S. Lewis puts it, "You and I have need of the strongest spell that can be found to wake us from the evil enchantment of worldliness."

The enchantment that anything besides Him could satisfy.

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The biggest criticism I can imagine towards living from the heart is, "That seems kinda selfish." I contend for the opposite conclusion. It's the least selfish way someone can live--which is why maybe it is so hard. Like Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, "What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own." The heart gives fuel for fullness. If I don't take time to connect with my heart--to take care of my heart--then every good intention, every good endeavour, every good strategy for forward movement--is quickly extinguished. Or quickly manipulated. Or quickly compromised. Or quickly becomes disappointment. Or quickly turns into an addiction. You can't win the hearts of others until you tap into the things deep down inside of your own heart.

You can't live as an innocent--in purity--if your heart is not engaged in the journey. Clean hands and a pure heart--the most powerful forces in the world. A pure heart isn't just undefiled from the world. A pure heart is engaged in life--and chooses to stay tender. Purity feels pain--because it's honest. And it forgives. And it keeps believing the best. It's a fight. At least that's my theory. I'm willing to test it out and see if it holds truth.

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I gotta be honest. I have no idea how to live from the heart (thus the numbness and disconnect). But I want to learn.

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So in the words of a song that was playing during yesterday's drive, I close this unfinished blog with Mumford and Sons...

"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker."