I don't want to say good-bye...not 'til

Summer is coming to a close. But even though my college classes start tomorrow and fall fashions are already hitting stores, I can't say good-bye. Not yet. Not without asking the last few remaining hours of the season to solidify things in my heart. I don't want to leave without a deeper understanding and comprehension of the lessons I've learned and a fresh appreciation for the friendships I've developed along the way. I don't want to say good-bye until I've learned what it really means to hold the line. and most importantly, how to love more fully.

Never have I had a summer like this. Never have I experienced such conviction of the Holy Spirit and restoration of things that I've felt were broken. I've watched in awe and speechless amazement, as in front of my very eyes, dreams that I thought could never happen began to take place. \

I've also never known what it means to be humbled like I've learned this summer. (And that is a lesson. Because for sure it is not a natural state of the heart. At least not for me). Or to be broken. Or to be honest with myself about what is really in my heart...and to stop pretending like I have all the answers, when in reality I barely have any.

I also never knew what it meant to stand in awe of a God who is more real and more incredible than I ever thought possible. At least not to the degree that this summer has taught. Not really.

Amazing what can happen in just a few months. Incredible to think that just one short period of time can change you in ways that you never imagined...and that just one encounter with someone can shift your destiny into a new place. I'm learning that who I am today is because God has placed really quality individuals in my life. I"m blessed to know and have some of the best friends on the planet. And that isn't flattery. That is truth.

This summer leaves me with questions for God. Questions of why He allows men to build their own kingdoms, using His name as some sort of endorsement line, only to find out that at the end of the day, He alone will be the one who receives the glory.

I think He's been giving me an answer. Well...the start of one, at least. He lets us think we've mastered Him, only to bring a dramatic close to that assumption, bringing us back to our knees, and eventually our face. Because no matter what anyone has said, true revival is not about the signs and wonders. It can never be about a face (except for faces that are facedown). Or a man. Or a name. Or a formula. Or trying to be out of the box, the next big thing, the next "voice in the wilderness", the next "revelator". It can't even be about the certain worship songs that used to make us feel goosebumps because the presence of the Holy Spirit was so strong.

True revival is repentance. It's an on your face posture, in the dirt, between the porch an altar, where hearts are rended, torn apart, and given up to the only One who ever truly deserved our heart and focus in the first place. Why? Because repentance prepares us to meet face to face with Glory Himself. Repentance teaches us what it really means to cry, "HOLY," and to declare, "I am undone, a man of unclean lips, living in a perverse generation."

The truth of it is, we are perverse. Without Jesus, all we can achieve is godlessness. Yet when HE COMES....when HE STEPS DOWN out of heaven...well, let's just say, we haven't seen nothin like Him yet:-) At least not as far as what I read in the Bible. Cause so far what I've tasted would just be settling if I allowed that to be all that I craved after. That has to be more.

MOre Questions. Of why man is so mesmerized by the glitz and glam of the world and of ministries, yet has settled for a definition of fire that has allowed compromise instead of purification. Why do we ask for fire? Why do we think that fire is supposed to be something of splendor? Of course, the result is splendor because Jesus shines forth even more brilliantly. Yet the actual fire is uncomfortable. It is hot. It is humbling. It burns away EVERYTHING that does not please God. If songs can encompass our hearts and work inside of us the message of the hour, then here is one that I am crying out to become,

"You won't relent until You have it all. My heart is Yours." (Misty Edwards)

"So, God, here I am saying that I want you to teach me freshly what You are all about. Yes, that is what I am asking for...this Pastor's kid, who grew up in the church, whose heard all the sermons, learned about the prophetic, apostolic, the "postmodern church", etc. The girl who has sat through Bible classes and has memorized the exact dates of past revivals, as well as the most important Scriptures. (And I"m thankful for those things, because they have been fundamental parts of building me, but yet what goal bringing me towards? Is it to draw me closer to Jesus?) Yes, me. This one who is discovering that despite everything I've learned, sometimes education does more harm than good. sometimes it makes me comfortable. Arrogant. Stale. Way too full and satisfied for my own good. Sometimes it gets me thinking I understand exactly what God's up to and how He is going to accomplish HIs purposes. Or that I have a right to judge my brother, my sister...just because I think maybe I"m more mature. Don't let me leave this summer okay with my old mindsets, my old behaviors, my old ways of doing church, thinking I know what it means to not be religious. HA! In reality, maybe I just became sophisticated in my religiousity. That's even more disgusting! Break into me God! And don't relent....not until you have it all."

Maybe it's wrong to ask for closure in order to transition into what is next. Because some things aren't meant to close, but they are meant to lead you into the next great adventure, the next place of discovery. So, instead of saying good-bye to summer, I am saying thank you, with the full anticipation that what was started in three short months is only the beginning of what can only be called extraordinary. I am walking forward, knowing that God is who I want. I want Him, and I want that desire to not depend on what it will cost. Because He has to be worth it all. I want HIm to be the one who impresses me, who moves my heart, who captures all that I am. I want to fear HIm, and Him alone. I pray that the lessons of the summer and the wisdom gained will be seared upon my heart, and that I will walk into what is next with a greater hunger for His heart and His feelings and His image. I want His name to be seared upon my life...and for Him to not relent until He has all of me.