"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."


Deuteronomy 33:12



Boston is beautiful in the fall. 

I walk a lot now that I live here, which is something I enjoy.  On my walks, I find myself often enjoying the solitude of being alone, even when I'm in the middle of a large city full of humans.  There is so much to observe, to take in, to process on those solitary walks.  When I'm at home, I'm studying or distracted by other things, but it's when I walk that I get to clear my mind. 

Lots of mind clearing has been needed lately.  For one thing, I thought I'd overcome the perfectionist bug years ago when I fought through an eating disorder in high school.  I thought that I'd changed, somehow overnight shifting into someone who could care less about being perfect.  And in fact, I did grow into a much more free spirited individual, but I also didn't realize that I did that by partially removing myself from anything in life that I could interpret as a competition or a big challenge.   I stopped playing sports competitively, stopped caring about getting A's in school, stopped counting calories, stopped obsessively checking my weight.  And where some things got healthy, other things went down hill.  Like my confidence that I can actually do well in school.  That I can actually do well in life.  That I can do well without having to be perfect.  And now that I'm back in an academic world that is extremely challenging for me, I'm having to confront this odd tension of perfectionism and apathy/laziness...and get into a healthy place of confidence, excellence and a solid work ethic.  

There is also the addiction I didn't know I had to a role I've lived most of my life.  dahdahdah....

Pastor's Kid.  Two years ago my parents stopped pastoring, one of the biggest reliefs of my life.  However, in the process of trying to find a new church here in Boston, I noticed that I see church through the eyes of someone who has only ever been the child of parents in full time ministry.  And unless you have a similar experience to that, you won't really understand how it feels.  There is an odd anxiety that I feel when trying to connect with a new community of believers.  There is a suspicion I feel towards both leaders and congregants...and I am just beginning to acknowledge that I may not know how to be a healthy part of a church community until I confront my own addiction to ministry.  

Really neat things are happening too.  Like hanging out with my 8 year old cousins, getting the chance to attend class on a gorgeous campus with such deep, historical roots, living in a city that is full of college students (great inspiration for storytelling) and close to beautiful bodies of water, being able to easily go on scenic drives.  

I am learning to not let my heart get flat lined by the busy--to remember that the Father delights in me every second of the day, even when I'm cursing so loud over not being able to find a parking space in Cambridge because of a random event in the city.  (Yes, that happened.  Not the proudest of moments on my  part).  

I really have no idea what I'm learning right now in life because it is all so busy and still a bit overwhelming, but I look forward to finding more words and expressions for all that I'm experiencing both internally and externally.