"Simplify, Simplify."

It just turned 11:11 here in Chicago.  Make a wish. Done. 

                     

Tomorrow I leave the comforts of a bed, a pillow, a bathroom, internet, cell service, warm water -- in exchange for an oversized backpack, a canoe, a change of clothes, a few toiletries, some food, a mug that also serves as a bowl, a spoon-fork (ever used one of those?!), a tent, a sleeping bag.  Oh.  And a journal, for my obsessive thought recording habit.  It’s a problem.  

Gain often comes disguised as loss, or so I hope.  As I head up into the beautiful Canadian wild, my heart has the idealistic expectations of one who's read Thoreau a bit too much. There is a deep wish that the leaving behind of comfort will produce a gain in perspective and focus.  

I flew to Chicago with so many questions, anxious over pending decisions that need to be made and worried that I will forever feel disconnected from my heart when it comes to knowing what to do.  I watched from above as a lightning storm broke out to the left of the plane.  It was incredible, and I felt present. I forgot for a moment the possible scenarios of my next life transition, and instead just watched in awe at the flashing, nature-made lights.  

Overstimulation and easy access to information and possibilities take their toll when not counteracted with an active pursuit of heart steadiness and peace.   Hearts are left with empty places that were once full.  But the happy thing is that they just need a reminder-- a lesson in wonder -- to start filling up again.  On my way here my dad called me to wish me a safe trip, in which he wrapped up the conversation with a request, “Caitlin, be surprised by joy.” 

So here I am, about to sleep my last night in a comfortable bed before the trip begins, happy that I noticed 11:11 on the clock, happy that I was present to the child-like fun of making a wish, happy to be going directly into lung nourishing air and wonder-restoring beauty.  

And expectant that what seems like loss has a way of turning into strength.  

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” 
― Thoreau, Walden