“Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward.” 
― E.E. Cummings

My little brother graduated a few days ago, and I am incredibly proud of him.  Extended family drove long distances to celebrate him, and it made me realize that if there is one thing that Irish Catholic's are good at, it's celebrating.   That is a part of my heritage that took me a while to get comfortable with, but it's something for which I am very thankful.  Learning how to actively honor another's achievements is a beautiful thing.

As I was writing my brother's graduation card, I realized something amazing about that heart of his:  he sees really clearly and he feels deeply, even if he wouldn't admit to it.  That is rare and beautiful.  A few months ago we were having a discussion about Terrance Malick's film Tree of Life, and Killian brought up the film's central discussion about the way of grace being so different from the way of nature.  Often he will make a statement, when faced with the formation of an opinion or the need to make a pressing decision, that he is going to choose the way of grace.  I'm sure he will be exploring the depth of what that means for the rest of his life.  If I had to pick just one character trait of his to celebrate, I think it would be his honest and active search for the true and the real.  It takes courage to ask hard questions, and it takes patience to develop eyes that really see.  I can learn a lot from that brother of mine, and I look forward to the many insightful discussions and adventures that are ahead.

My body met 4:30 am with several thoughts, the first of which was a calculation of how many hours I'd slept, the second an affirmation to myself that I did indeed sleep enough to get through the day as a functional person, followed by the decision that waking up would be acceptably safe for the rest of the human  population who will encounter me today.

As soon as the third thought, "Well, I could just sleep another hour" emerged, several simultaneous hungers hit me, the most strong being a craving for an adventure.  Being the great sister that I am, I made sure to wake my siblings up.  Mostly it was selfish because I didn't want to experience something fun alone (which is an alarming indication that my introverted self may not be too introverted anymore), but I also didn't want them missing out on something memorable just because they wanted some extra dreams...Sunrise watching time!  As a family, we took a roadtrip to visit my dad's mom in Florida, who I haven't seen in over four years.  Today is the day we drive to see her from the place we are staying while in Florida.  Thus, the early morning wake up and the attentiveness of my heart to its need for a satisfying adventure may be largely due to the Christmas morning excitement in seeing my grandma, a visit I especially cherish with the recent loss of my mom's mom.

As I prepared to watch the sunrise (which is just now rising at 5:50 am, so I definitely beat it), I went into the little kitchen in our home away from home and made some breakfast by the incredibly romantic refrigerator light. (Otherwise, I would have had to light up the whole place and no one wants my mom to wake up before she's ready. ) Coffee, eggs and toast.  Quite the culinary artist here.

 Now I am sitting on our back porch, watching beautiful colors paint the sky, trying hard to resist the urge to go sit on the lifeguard chair that's supposedly only reserved for lifeguards, while yelling (softly) at my sister for taking sleepy pictures of everyone else with the threat that she will put them on every social media site in which she participates.

Oh the joys of family.

In the midst of all the morning action, I was thinking a bit on some of the harder things in life that have met my family this year.  I imagined someone coming up to me with the claim that they found a way to totally pass around all the hard things in life, arriving at death battle free.  All I could see was this big straight line that formed a rectangle, surrounding the mountains and valleys but avoiding them completely.  Ahh yes, battle free.  And also a complete waste of life.     A billions quotes from far more bright and philosophical people could probably support that feeling in a much more eloquent way, but  I just know that when I think about the difficult things, I remember how each time beauty found a way of chasing down and overtaking the ugly.  And without fail, the beautiful always overshadowed what seemed, for a time and in human eyes, disfigured.  Sometimes I struggle with questioning some of the desires that are in my heart, wondering if they are just me running away from dysfunction or trying to escape reality, but this morning I felt God whisper to my heart His reality, "Caitlin, your heart holds eternity inside of it, and eternity is full of whispers that you can hear...whispers that are full of promise.  You don't have to be afraid that your desires or dreams are somehow a result of something broken inside of you, trying to get fixed or trying to run away from what's hard.  You should know yourself well enough by now to know that you haven't made a habit of fleeing what's difficult.  You are running into beauty, and your heart is learning how to connect with my heart and dream the way I do.  There is nothing dysfunctional or wrong about that."

I felt an invitation from Jesus to enter into a new phase of freedom.  There is no way I'm saying no to that.

Time to pack up and head to grandma's house!  Can't wait to give that beautiful woman a huge hug.

Today I spent some time at the library, studying organic chemistry and perusing the travel section.  At the moment, I am obsessed with Montana and can't wait to visit that state and go on some hard-core exploration, which will include fly fishing skill development and nature photography (who cares if it's cliche).  However, that sort of adventure must only exist in my imagination at the moment, as I am trying to keep my GPA in a healthy zone.

As I was in the library, I started thinking about why healthcare is a field to which I am drawn, especially considering how I feel much more comfortable around artists than scientists.  I realized that briefly analyzing what is driving me in this current season of life is actually a very healthy exercise, one which I think people should do more often.  It makes this human experience meaningful and full of purpose.  Healthy reflection on why I am doing what I am doing, how I am wired, how my story is contributing to something bigger than myself, causes me to see new value in people and in life.  When I get busy and stressed out, there is something that becomes desensitized in my heart towards beauty and wonder.  That's not okay.  

As I was asking myself a few quick questions, I was remembering how on a plane back from Central America several years ago, after spending some time with an amazing doctor, I was caught up in how necessary it is to tell the stories of the people I met while there.  It was a defining moment for me that led me to study journalism and filmmaking.  That sense of responsibility hasn't left me.  There is something to be honored about what people have lived through and where this journey has brought them so far.  A good story has a living quality to it, of that I am convinced.  Two people could write the exact same paragraph, and yet you feel the words differently in both.  I believe that is hugely due to the living quality of words, and what the writer was feeling while penning the letters on a page.  Good storytellers feel the story.  They honor the story.  They realize that stories have the power to change people's lives. 

And I see how healthcare is a way to help redirect a person's story.  When a community receives education on how to make small changes to achieve better personal health, it makes the whole community better.  Simple knowledge has incredible power.  When people come to see that exercise and eating right can actually bring joy, there is something that shifts in quality of life.  I am seriously convinced of this.  One day I want to travel to the places where quality of life isn't even a part of the vocabulary because there is such poverty, and I want to see people awakened by the potential of their own story, of their own destiny.  I think that awakening comes when Love is demonstrated, and love sometimes looks like malaria pills, common vaccinations, a nutritious meal.  Sometimes that's what is needed to give someone the sense of, "I have a chance in this life" a chance to have a story that marks history.  

There is so little that makes sense to me about life, and maybe that is just specific to the season I'm in right now.  But those things that I found myself reflecting on today show me that there is a wiring to who God made me to be that goes beyond coursework or a major in college or having a "plan" for my life.  There are certain things that drive me, regardless of what "job" I find myself doing or what place I find myself living, and when I pay attention to those things, I see a bit more clearly what my part is to play.