I wish that I could personally thank every person who has shown me and my family such kindness, not just in the past few weeks, but over the course of our whole lives. I have been blessed so much by the genuine love, forgiveness, and grace that have been extended to us, from people living close by and far away. It's been healing. It's even brought me to tears on several occasions. The Body of Christ is alive. It is full of people who are very human, but at the same time, becoming more and more like Jesus, determined to see like HIm and love like Him. I've been inspired by each of these encounters.
Today, I had the opportunity to eat breakfast with one of the women I admire most in my life. She is one of the most courageous people I know, and her stories are full of adventures and radical trust in God. She just encouraged me so much to go after the dreams that God has placed in my heart, even if the process is different than I expected. Several times she said, "Don't cut corners on God's best." I took those words to heart.
I think at the core of every dream that I have, there is this longing to see wholeness--nothing missing, nothing broken. To see people have hope, maybe for the first time. To see them come into fullness, because it's available for them. God is a good God. I want people to see His goodness through my life.
I think now is the time to dream like never before--throwing off the boundaries, the confinements, the limits. To take God at His word--with Him, everything is possible. He is faithful to His own, faithful to His word, good on His promises.
Ahh, how I love my generation. How I love that so many of them embody this perspective of God--that He can do anything. That He wants to use them. That love wins and really does set people free.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
rawness
There is a special place in my heart for kids who are raised in a spotlight, whether it be the children of politicians, celebrities, or, in the case I know personally, pastors.
One day, I think I'd love to start some sort of ranch specifically aimed at that category: children of leaders. Where they can come and just be real. Be safe. Be restored. Learn to be the beloved. No need to please. No need to put on protective masks to function normally as the children of leaders. No need to think that their destiny is only based on how well their parents do in life. No need to put on a show just so others don't ask questions, or rebel just to break the cycle.
With life being lived in a glass house, it's often the failures people remember the most. In many ways, people feel like they deserve to know the inside and outside workings of your life. Why else would we have tabloids? People like to watch the drama of other peoples' lives unfold. But they don't like it went people probe into theirs. Leaders don't get to lay down that boundary--they don't get to say "hey, actually, that's none of your business." Their reputation is a very public matter, and when something goes wrong, everyone hears about it. Or at least that's been my experience. Maybe it's good. I mean, we all want vulnerability in the people we follow. I get it. But it's still hard.
Whether it be an accurate perception or not as I reflect on this type of upbringing, as a pk, the emotions that I feel are real. In failure, everyone gets to watch your world fall apart. People talk. The critics make an analysis of you, pass it along, try to put it in concrete (if you let them) so it marks your life. It makes you feel like your voice doesn't exist anymore. Like you could fade into oblivion, and the world would be better for it. Some will care, try to express concern. But they won't be there to pick up the pieces--not always out of a lack of care. Mostly out of just not knowing what to do. They won't understand what it really feels like. They can't. And I don't expect them to. In fact, I don't want them to.
But in the really raw moments of life, like this current one I'm walking through, it's easy for me to think that I am completely abandoned. Because no one can make it better. Not a single person. Not a million dollars. Not getting married. Not pursuing more eduction. At the core of it, it's God who i need to speak to me. It's Him I need to hear from : to know that He still has a plan for me. To know that there is more for me than what I've known, and that life can truly be lived full of joy. That there is a place for me--a place where I can make a difference, where I can release life to others.
More than anything, I don't want the enemy to win. I don't want him to take me out or my family. Even if no one else believes in us, I believe in us. I believe in me. I believe in what God has placed inside of me. The processes He's taking me through, and the one I'm walking through--they're not in vain.
I wish that this blog could be written more eloquently. Maybe one day I can put this season into better words. Maybe time and healing will give me a perspective that is healthy and life giving to others who have or will experience the same.
So now I turn my eyes to heaven. I get on my knees. I stretch out my arms.
I don't know what to do. And so forever, my eyes are on You, Jesus. Make my life a love song to you. Bring it into deeper consecration. Fill me with all that You are. Whatever it takes. Whatever needs to be laid down, purged out. God, do it. Because you are worth it all.
One day, I think I'd love to start some sort of ranch specifically aimed at that category: children of leaders. Where they can come and just be real. Be safe. Be restored. Learn to be the beloved. No need to please. No need to put on protective masks to function normally as the children of leaders. No need to think that their destiny is only based on how well their parents do in life. No need to put on a show just so others don't ask questions, or rebel just to break the cycle.
With life being lived in a glass house, it's often the failures people remember the most. In many ways, people feel like they deserve to know the inside and outside workings of your life. Why else would we have tabloids? People like to watch the drama of other peoples' lives unfold. But they don't like it went people probe into theirs. Leaders don't get to lay down that boundary--they don't get to say "hey, actually, that's none of your business." Their reputation is a very public matter, and when something goes wrong, everyone hears about it. Or at least that's been my experience. Maybe it's good. I mean, we all want vulnerability in the people we follow. I get it. But it's still hard.
Whether it be an accurate perception or not as I reflect on this type of upbringing, as a pk, the emotions that I feel are real. In failure, everyone gets to watch your world fall apart. People talk. The critics make an analysis of you, pass it along, try to put it in concrete (if you let them) so it marks your life. It makes you feel like your voice doesn't exist anymore. Like you could fade into oblivion, and the world would be better for it. Some will care, try to express concern. But they won't be there to pick up the pieces--not always out of a lack of care. Mostly out of just not knowing what to do. They won't understand what it really feels like. They can't. And I don't expect them to. In fact, I don't want them to.
But in the really raw moments of life, like this current one I'm walking through, it's easy for me to think that I am completely abandoned. Because no one can make it better. Not a single person. Not a million dollars. Not getting married. Not pursuing more eduction. At the core of it, it's God who i need to speak to me. It's Him I need to hear from : to know that He still has a plan for me. To know that there is more for me than what I've known, and that life can truly be lived full of joy. That there is a place for me--a place where I can make a difference, where I can release life to others.
More than anything, I don't want the enemy to win. I don't want him to take me out or my family. Even if no one else believes in us, I believe in us. I believe in me. I believe in what God has placed inside of me. The processes He's taking me through, and the one I'm walking through--they're not in vain.
I wish that this blog could be written more eloquently. Maybe one day I can put this season into better words. Maybe time and healing will give me a perspective that is healthy and life giving to others who have or will experience the same.
So now I turn my eyes to heaven. I get on my knees. I stretch out my arms.
I don't know what to do. And so forever, my eyes are on You, Jesus. Make my life a love song to you. Bring it into deeper consecration. Fill me with all that You are. Whatever it takes. Whatever needs to be laid down, purged out. God, do it. Because you are worth it all.
the latter is greater
excerpts from a book written by George Matheson, a blind Scottish preacher:
"There is a time coming in which your glory shall consist on the very thing which now constitutes your pain. Nothing could be more sad to Jacob than the ground on which he was lying, a stone for his pillow! It was the hour of his poverty. It was the season of his night. It was the seeming absence of his God. The Lord was in the place and he knew it not. Awakened from his sleep he found that the day of his trial was the dawn of his triumph! Ask the great ones of the past what has been the spot of their prosperity and they will say, 'It was the cold ground on which I was lying.' Ask Abraham; he will point you to the sacrifice on Mount Moriah. Ask Joseph; he will direct you to his dungeon. Ask Moses; he will date his fortune from his danger in the Nile. Ask Ruth; she will bid you build her monument in the field of her toil. Ask David; he will tell you that his songs came from the night. Ask Job; he will remind you that God answered him out of the whirlwind. Ask Peter; he will extol his submersion in the sea. Ask John; he will give the path to Patmos. Ask Paul; he will attribute his inspiration to the light which struck him blink. Ask one more!--the Son of God. Ask Him whence has come His rule over the world; He will answer, 'From the cold ground on which I was lying--the Gethsemane ground--I received my sceptre there.' Thou too, my soul, shall be garlanded by Gethsemane! The cup thou fain wouldst pass from thee will be thy coronet in the sweet by and by.
"The hour of thy loneliness will crown thee. The day of thy depression will regale thee. It is thy desert that will break forth into singing. It is the trees of thy silent forest that will clap their hands. The last things will be first in the sweet by and by. The thorns will be roses. The vales will be hills. The crooks will be straight lines, the ruts will be level. The shadows will be shining. The losses will be promotions. The tears will be tracks of gold. The voice of God to thine evening will be this: 'Thy treasure is hid in the ground, where thou wert lying.'"
"There is a time coming in which your glory shall consist on the very thing which now constitutes your pain. Nothing could be more sad to Jacob than the ground on which he was lying, a stone for his pillow! It was the hour of his poverty. It was the season of his night. It was the seeming absence of his God. The Lord was in the place and he knew it not. Awakened from his sleep he found that the day of his trial was the dawn of his triumph! Ask the great ones of the past what has been the spot of their prosperity and they will say, 'It was the cold ground on which I was lying.' Ask Abraham; he will point you to the sacrifice on Mount Moriah. Ask Joseph; he will direct you to his dungeon. Ask Moses; he will date his fortune from his danger in the Nile. Ask Ruth; she will bid you build her monument in the field of her toil. Ask David; he will tell you that his songs came from the night. Ask Job; he will remind you that God answered him out of the whirlwind. Ask Peter; he will extol his submersion in the sea. Ask John; he will give the path to Patmos. Ask Paul; he will attribute his inspiration to the light which struck him blink. Ask one more!--the Son of God. Ask Him whence has come His rule over the world; He will answer, 'From the cold ground on which I was lying--the Gethsemane ground--I received my sceptre there.' Thou too, my soul, shall be garlanded by Gethsemane! The cup thou fain wouldst pass from thee will be thy coronet in the sweet by and by.
"The hour of thy loneliness will crown thee. The day of thy depression will regale thee. It is thy desert that will break forth into singing. It is the trees of thy silent forest that will clap their hands. The last things will be first in the sweet by and by. The thorns will be roses. The vales will be hills. The crooks will be straight lines, the ruts will be level. The shadows will be shining. The losses will be promotions. The tears will be tracks of gold. The voice of God to thine evening will be this: 'Thy treasure is hid in the ground, where thou wert lying.'"
Friday, November 4, 2011
time
Hourglass: measures the passage of a few minutes or an hour of time.
___________
Time is a concept that baffles me.
Take a lifetime for instance. Each day you wake up, you are a day closer to meeting the grave. Making it even more specific (and possibly morbid and depressing?), each second brings you closer to that occasion. Yet, simultaneously, those same seconds of approaching end are moments that you've never seen before in all of your life. Brand new.
Ah the tension. It's everywhere. Living life to the fullest because of the newness of each second, but living it with the overarching sense of purpose because all those seconds of a life, combined, only equal a blink. Making every moment count, but realizing that sometimes means just soaking it all up, reminding yourself why life is worth receiving your full attention. Why it's worth excellence and the best you can offer.
The hourglass picture spurs on this conversation that I'm having with myself about time. As the sand goes through the little hole, each movement is an arrival at a destination it's never known, yet it will still reach its end, settling into the bottom part of the instrument. Mind-boggling. (Maybe not...I don't know. Everything blows my mind these days. Like the interview I overheard today on NPR with a physicist who talked about this new "cutting edge" string theory that believes the earth is actually just a really big membrane...and that apparently there may be an equation to calculate where everything in the universe exists...crazy...and yes, I laughed.)
I believe that wisdom is the lady who knows how to teach us how to live in this tension. We dream big dreams because there is so much possibility, but we also learn how to set a pace that doesn't result in burn out and disillusionment. We believe for big things and take risks that get our adrenaline pumping, yet still know how to calm down for a nice picnic lunch. Using the time we're given to the fullest. Every moment a chance to thank God for newness--for the fact that dead skin cells shed and new ones grow and that we also get emotional and spiritual processes that shed our yucky stuff so that we can grow into the dream of God's heart. But maybe His dream is really not a destination--maybe it's not all the big things that people think we need to do to be successful in the Kingdom. Maybe it's not an arrival at some "identity" that we're working towards, even though we never know how to adequately measure it in terms of progress.
As humans, we so often set down exact measurements for arrival..."Oh, I have to be there in 10 minutes" or "I need to meet them on this date" or countless other varieties of the same sentiment. But what if a huge part of even making it to that meeting on time has to do with how you got there--with the in between time. What if that's where the dream is largely taking place. What if it's the journey, the friendship, that God's heart is dreaming of and longing for, instead of the achievement of some perfect and whole identity, or some great achievement? I don't doubt that God's desire is to bring us into wholeness, and that He longs to use us to do big things, like change whole nations, but what if a large part of coming into that wholeness and walking in power is seeing the in between parts and learning how to thank God for each moment of life we've been given, even when we don't always know how to use those moments well.
Wisdom is a faithful teacher. I want to know how to number my days. Not in a morbid way. But in a way that embraces the newness while knowing life's a vapor. To live within the context of eternity, but realize each moment I breathe is time I've been given to store up treasures that will either be corruptible or incorruptible. My choice.
Enough thoughts tonight. My head hurts from too much new information over the past few weeks. I need a vacation at a cottage in the middle of Irish hills.
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