WHOLEHEARTED

"But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it. "

-Numbers 14:24

remember this on the hard days:

"we're a mystery that will never happen again, a miracle which has never happened before—"

-e.e. cummings

Love Songs

This blog post may make me sound like a hater of love who is badly in need of a therapist to work through childhood trauma or something.

love songs leave me skeptical. and cynical of whatever it is we as a culture and a generation call love. I'll rock out to them--moved by the beat and taken into the emotions of the words--yet right after that, I'll start to think how ridiculous it would be to ever actually say some of those things to another person. Or to feel that way for someone else. Call me hard, but I can't think of telling someone that I can't survive without them. It sounds so weak to me--so lacking in wholeness. Which means maybe I have a problem being weak? Or maybe I just want to know real love. I'm not sure.

Maybe I'll schedule that counseling session asap to figure this out.

"go not abroad at every quest or call of an untrained hope or passion."
-george herbert

The pace of this last year has literally taken my breath away at times, sometimes from weariness, sometimes from the occasional battle with anxiety about the next step and how all the details would sort out, sometimes from moments of incredible beauty.

Last Christmas and New Years I was in Ireland. The Irish have jokes about people like me--the obvious American who wants to claim the Irish heritage as my own based on great grandparents who lived there three generations ago. I still find it incredibly revelatory to connect with my genealogy--to know what motivated those who went before me.

Then, I was off to Rwanda, right at the beginning of my final semester of college. A fifteen credit work load and a part time job couldn't keep me from that adventure. It changed my life.

As soon as college finished in May, with my hard work to earn that diploma pushing me onto the next phase, my feet led me all over the place. I was up in Indiana making a documentary, across the country in Seattle, exploring mountains and a new culture and even Vancouver, in Delaware working a crazy schedule where I felt like I grew lifetimes older, in California to road trip the coast with my sister--a drive that I will never forget, in Virginia Beach to visit people I've missed greatly and cheer my friends on at a film festival, where their film took the award for best film. And finally the last bit of travel for the 2010 marathon--a trip to Houston to attend a beautiful wedding and catch up with dear friends (Misty Boggs!).

Now I am home. Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I am very much looking forward to the candle lighting service at church. That's one of the few traditions I hate to miss, which says a lot. Then, it's forward march into 2011. A whole new year. A chance to grow and laugh and love.

A chance to allow that hope and passion to get trained so that when the time comes, I'll be ready for the quest.

I hope the training comes easily, even if it is rigorous. I hope that the mission finds me...or at least whispers a hint as to what road it is down. Is that taking away from the brilliance of faith? I'm not sure. I just know that maybe the reason I'm not certain of the focus is because there is still a bit more training needed. I don't want God to let up, if that's the case. A flash in the pan is not the life I want. Faithfulness and longevity...that's what I want to mark my life on this quest. And courage. And most of all, love.

Today I drove to a familiar childhood place nestled in the Blue Ridge mountains. They may not be as large as the Rockies out west, but to me, they feel like home. As I was looking out over the landscape, with the farmland resting so peacefully, surrounded by mountains, I felt tears come to my eyes. For some reason that familiar sight brings me into a chamber of praise, where I can't help but remember how faithful my Father God has been to me my whole life.

I look up to the hills. Where does my help come from? From the Lord.

Amen.

2011 is going to be full of Him. And that makes it already full of brilliance.

I Heart Revolution [excerpt from film]

"It's not hard to see that there's this great inbalance and that things aren't right. You know, I know that, but for me I suppose it really hits home if I stop and think about this moment. Because it's happening right now. In the same moment, you have a generation who are sitting around, entertaining themselves, watching reality television--which to be honest, is anything but real. While you have a child who is being prostituted being closed doors and robbed of their innocence. It's not fair that we can go about consuming every single material option that comes our way while the widow, the orphan are stripped of life's basic dignities because they're victims of a conflict that simply isn't theirs. It's not fair that there is a generation who are choking on their obesity, while at the same time there are 30,000 children who will die today for lack of food. It's not fair that we have no problem spending three or four dollars on what is basically glorified tap water in a bottle with a fancy label, while we have entire communities that suffer at the hands of disease because the only water that they have access to is foul and polluted. It's not fair that we can sing and dance and jump around in our freedom and in our liberty, while at the same time the slave remains captive, out of sight and out of mind. It's not fair that we can sit and watch the evening news from the comfort of our living rooms, and pity those who live where the storm hit or where the ground shook or where the water rose, and simply feel sorry for them and then change the channel, and get on with supper. Is it fair to walk past the homeless man and give him nothing in the assumption that he'll spend it on booze or cigarettes? Or to suggest that he should go out and get a job? Who are we to judge the alcoholic or the prostitute or the addict or the criminal, as if we are any better? Who are we to forget the downtrodden or the oppressed or the marginalized, while we go about chasing the dream? We see this inbalance and say 'that's not right' or 'that's not fair' but all too often that's all we do. Because for us to do anything more is actually going to cost us something. And if that's where it ends, perhaps then it's fair to say that that when we ignore the prostituted child, that we actually lend our hand to their abuse. That when we ignore the widow and the orphan in their distress, that we actually add to their pain. When we ignore the slave who remains captive, then it's us who's entrapping them. That when we forget the refugee, then it's us who's displacing them. That when we choose not to help the poor and the needy, that we actually rob them. Perhaps the only fair thing to say is that when we forsake the lives of others, we actually forsake our own."

this may be your finest hour

I've been thinking about the original Moravian movement frequently over the past few weeks. Even when facing potential ship wreck and martyrdom, they were full of joy, earning the reputation of being a HAPPY PEOPLE. Everyone who came into contact with them noticed the light of God that was in their lives.

"Be joyful always;" Paul said. [1 thess. 5] Paul, the one who was nearly beaten to death several times while preaching the gospel, shipwrecked, left to die...publicly beaten and put in jail, where he SANG joyfully to the Lord, even without any promise of rescue. [acts 16] For him to say, "in everything give thanks" is a heavy statement considering his personal history.

As I think about the letters he wrote to the church, acknowledging the spiritual warfare of this life and the moments of sorrow that bring us to tears, he still always exhorted them to live in joy. Considering what the early church faced, this was no small feat--I would even wager that it was impossible on their own. Revelation must have filled their hearts that THE VERY BLOOD OF CHRIST was pulsing through their bodies and that the SPIRIT OF GOD--the very life of God! was inside of them, enabling them to walk as sons of God, full of power, love, a sound mind.

Reading about the "heroes" who have paved the way for my generation and the present day church, I find myself coming to the conclusion that a theology that does not result in joy, but instead encourages and even prides itself in doom and gloom and piety, is not correct. To live with an inaccurate conclusion of the heart and intent of God is a sad way to exist. Sacrifice produces JOY if it is done out of love. When we are in love with God, nothing is too difficult.

I am not sure what is ahead in the history of our nation, but I have a sense that the church needs to allow the Holy Spirit to lead them into the truth of who God is in an urgent way. That we would be known as happy people when those around us are in fear as the kingdoms of this world start to shake! That the light of God in us would draw the seekers to the Giver of Life! That very moment of shaking could be the church's FINEST HOUR if we only just take God at His word...that if He is FOR US...it doesn't matter who is against us. Ah, what joy! What strength in joy! To stand fast, with joy unspeakable--that is the narrow way.

"...the humanitarian theory [of punishment] wants simply to abolish Justice and substitute Mercy for it. This means that you start being 'kind' to people before you have considered their rights, and then force upon them supposed kindnesses which no one but you will recognize as kindnesses and which the recipient will feel as abominable cruelties. You have overshot the mark. Mercy, detached from Justice, gro...ws unmerciful." - C.S. Lewis - God in the Dock