Will He Find Faith In My Heart?

Oswald Chambers’ Utmost for His Highest has a way of speaking to my heart daily in an almost prophetic clarity.

This morning, nine years and a day after the tragedy of 9-11, I’m remembering with the vivid detail left after a bad dream. Sitting in Child Development in ninth grade, I was a fourteen year old girl full of the normal mixture of big dreams and deep insecurities. As I was trying to pay attention in class while also feeling distracted by my own thoughts, our teacher broke the news to us that a plane crashed into the World Trade Center. My dad showed up at my school to get me out early, afraid that the army base right by our house was also a target due to its high level of chemical warfare research.

The details of the day poured through the airwaves, with every news station unable to report anything else. I heard from my uncle that friends who he went to law school with and worked on the upper floors of the WTC couldn’t be found. The Pentagon, just an hour from where I grew up, was also hit. Would we lose someone we knew personally? Only time would tell, as the rescue teams reported to the scenes to save all that they could, some even giving their own lives for the sake of another.

Bravery and love combated the fear of the attacks. And our hearts broke for those lost. And we made vows to never forget. Yet, vows are hard to keep when comfort returns and we revert back to the numbing existence of modernity that no longer remembers with the same intensity the pain of that day.

And that leaves me with questions. Why did it happen?

There are mysteries of life that I do not understand—secrets that stay hidden from me for the time being. Whispers of future tense come occasionally, revealing something about the heart and intent of God, but often I’m left with the sense that I know nothing. The wisdom and knowledge that I am purposing to cultivate in my life fall short in tackling the events of 9-11. Sometimes there are no answers. Just tears and a heart that hopes we remain tender towards others, loving more and more with each day.

Oswald Chambers wrote about confusion in his September 12th excerpt. I felt it applied both directly and indirectly to my thoughts and my questions about God’s friendship and His faithfulness and the way He works.

The Shrouding of His Friendship. Luke 11:5-8. Jesus gave the illustration of the man who looked as if he did not care for his friend, and He said that that is how the Heavenly Father will appear to you at times. You will think He is an unkind friend, but remember He is not; the time will come when everything will be explained. There is a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller communion. When God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in Him?

I want to hang on to Him in confidence. Chambers continues and ends with this,

The Strangeness of His Faithfulness. Luke 18:1-8. "When the Son of Man cometh, shall He find faith on the earth?" Will He find the faith which banks on Him in spite of the confusion? Stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true, though in the meantime you do not under stand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you ask.

Will He find faith in my heart?