"I was conscious that in some strange way I was instinctively speaking and feeling in harmony with the great majority of the population.
Such moments are as unforgettable as they are rare. They must be seized to change history."

The words of Margaret Thatcher.

writing is good therapy.

I bought a brand new journal a few weeks ago. Since then, I've barely written in the pages, which is not normal for this daily journaler. Maybe that's why i feel disconnected from life and a little bit sad.

what really matters?

"our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter." -tim kizziar

__________________________

I've been pondering this concept for months, so when a friend sent me this quote by tim kizziar, my heart connected with it immediately.

Hard work and lofty goals are the American way. And yet, the very ethic that this nation celebrates and has boasted in, is the same one that can take people down paths they were never ordained to travel. In the end, maybe they made money, maybe they impacted lives, maybe they did cool things--but imagine what could have been had the proper time been given to sitting and dreaming and listening to the voice of the Holy Spirit--and then leaving that dreaming session ready to risk everything for the things stirring in your heart.

I think a few have taken that path. I want to live life that way--dreaming and risking and loving--succeeding at the things that matter.

excited for autumn

"Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting
and autumn a mosaic of them all."
- Stanley Horowitz

Will He Find Faith In My Heart?

Oswald Chambers’ Utmost for His Highest has a way of speaking to my heart daily in an almost prophetic clarity.

This morning, nine years and a day after the tragedy of 9-11, I’m remembering with the vivid detail left after a bad dream. Sitting in Child Development in ninth grade, I was a fourteen year old girl full of the normal mixture of big dreams and deep insecurities. As I was trying to pay attention in class while also feeling distracted by my own thoughts, our teacher broke the news to us that a plane crashed into the World Trade Center. My dad showed up at my school to get me out early, afraid that the army base right by our house was also a target due to its high level of chemical warfare research.

The details of the day poured through the airwaves, with every news station unable to report anything else. I heard from my uncle that friends who he went to law school with and worked on the upper floors of the WTC couldn’t be found. The Pentagon, just an hour from where I grew up, was also hit. Would we lose someone we knew personally? Only time would tell, as the rescue teams reported to the scenes to save all that they could, some even giving their own lives for the sake of another.

Bravery and love combated the fear of the attacks. And our hearts broke for those lost. And we made vows to never forget. Yet, vows are hard to keep when comfort returns and we revert back to the numbing existence of modernity that no longer remembers with the same intensity the pain of that day.

And that leaves me with questions. Why did it happen?

There are mysteries of life that I do not understand—secrets that stay hidden from me for the time being. Whispers of future tense come occasionally, revealing something about the heart and intent of God, but often I’m left with the sense that I know nothing. The wisdom and knowledge that I am purposing to cultivate in my life fall short in tackling the events of 9-11. Sometimes there are no answers. Just tears and a heart that hopes we remain tender towards others, loving more and more with each day.

Oswald Chambers wrote about confusion in his September 12th excerpt. I felt it applied both directly and indirectly to my thoughts and my questions about God’s friendship and His faithfulness and the way He works.

The Shrouding of His Friendship. Luke 11:5-8. Jesus gave the illustration of the man who looked as if he did not care for his friend, and He said that that is how the Heavenly Father will appear to you at times. You will think He is an unkind friend, but remember He is not; the time will come when everything will be explained. There is a cloud on the friendship of the heart, and often even love itself has to wait in pain and tears for the blessing of fuller communion. When God looks completely shrouded, will you hang on in confidence in Him?

I want to hang on to Him in confidence. Chambers continues and ends with this,

The Strangeness of His Faithfulness. Luke 18:1-8. "When the Son of Man cometh, shall He find faith on the earth?" Will He find the faith which banks on Him in spite of the confusion? Stand off in faith believing that what Jesus said is true, though in the meantime you do not under stand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular things you ask.

Will He find faith in my heart?

soon

Let's travel the world with just a big dream
and a few dollars.
With just faith and a lot of heart.

when will the words flow again?!?

I want to write so bad and yet I'm experiencing terrible writer's block.

I just don't understand.

overnight alterations

I returned home to Maryland tonight after my fourth week of work up in Delaware, in which I've been challenged (in a way that I hope is causing me to grow) and also blessed by new friendships with individuals who I am honored to know.

Not only have I felt myself growing and changing, but over the course of a week, the dynamics of my family have altered in ways that I knew would come, just not this soon.


My little brother was hanging out with his friends when I opened the door and dragged in my bags. He yelled, "Hey!" and gave me a big hug, asking me about my job and how I was doing. He just started his junior year at a new high school. He's working, playing soccer, and driving himself around. I didn't expect for one summer to change him in such dramatic ways, nor did I anticipate that the seven years between us would one day come to feel so small. My little brother isn't so little anymore. The tenderness and care that were present in him even as a little boy are now coming out in this young man who is growing into a leader. I am so proud of him.


After catching up a bit with him, I went downstairs to do a load of laundry and started to look for a clean, semi-cute outfit to wear while my clothing was in the washer. I couldn't find anything, and that's because the fashionista in the family, my sister Brianna, left this morning for California. She's one day into her cross-country roadtrip to Redding, where she will attend Bethel for a year. I miss her already.


I started thinking about the random technological devices in my house, and realized that the essence of another was also missing. Siobhan led the way to California a few years ago, and she just moved back a week ago after spending all summer at a camp up in New York. I think she has the west coast bug and probably won't be coming back east for a long time. I was able to see her for a few hours while she was home, and amazement does not even begin to describe my reaction to how much she grew over the summer. This gutsy sister of mine started sharing the journey that God's been taking her on in learning to believe in herself and stand up for the things that He's placed in her heart. I started to tear up. Her courage challenges me. She's faced hard things in life, yet there is this feisty boldness that she is walking in that refuses to give up. It's incredible.


My heart may be feeling the intensity of these changes so deeply because of how close all of us are to each other. I consider my siblings to be some of my best friends in the whole world, and maybe that closeness came from sharing experiences (a number of them painful) that no one else may ever fully understand--and having to learn how to fight for one another, even on those days when we don't necessarily "like" each other.

I wasn't prepared for everything to change so quickly, even if that is the normal progression of life. Childhood feels even further away with each growth spurt, yet I know that no matter how tall we may grow, both individually and as a family, we will never be too tall to kneel down and remember the days of tent building, hide & seek, tickle monster, homework, strange school experiences, telling jokes that only we got, midnight swim sessions, prank calls, random adventures. Even the days of hurting for each other during the personal battles that hit in those awkward growing up years (and still hit from time to time)--and realizing that sometimes rescue comes in the form of a hug, a passionate prayer, and an emergency trip to the ice cream shop.

I'm excited, though. I'm excited that the home front is becoming an empty nest and that we are all coming into our own--learning to fly at our own stride. There is no telling the stories that will come our way in the next year--the great adventures that we will find ourselves in as we are continually surrendering to the grandness of a story bigger than ourselves, into the hands of a Father who orders each of our steps. In that I will trust, even in the moments where the changes leave me feeling a bit in the dark. He is faithful to our hearts. And that is a forever kind of faithfulness. The kind that has no comprehension of an end.

---


Wait on the LORD,
And keep His way,
And He shall exalt you to inherit the land; [Psalm 37:34]