Some mornings I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep and not wake up until the next morning. It’s this feeling that’s close to numb, but not numb enough to get rid of a sense of looming dread.
Nothing to look forward to.
Nothing to offer to the world.
Nothing to gain from my existence.
Empty.
And I wonder when…
The sacred was lost.
Bucking traditions became defacing beauty.
Abandoning structure became embracing anarchy.
Running from definitions became running from identity.
Pure things became defiled things. Slowly. But surely.
With the loss of sacred comes the loss of dreams, of kindness, of life, of purity, of a standard.
So I hide. I don’t want anyone to know me. To know my anger. To know my disappointments turned into bitterness. To know the lost dreams, the lost cause, the lost faith. I don’t want anyone to come with me into the dark times of life.
So I hide. And I wear masks, smile, make jokes, encourage people. I use all the Bible I learned as a kid to sound spiritual. And they believe me. I never knew I could be a good actress. I’ll keep that secret to myself. Don’t want to blow my cover. Don’t want them to think I need help—especially not their help. Don’t want anyone to see into the holes in my heart.
They are better off not knowing me.
it’s here, in this attitude, in this fear, in these defenses, in this confusion, in these mind-sets…
That Abba confronts me. With love He challenges me to believe Him instead of my experiences. To believe Him instead of my pain. To believe Him instead of the words others have spoken over my life. To believe Him when shame tries to brainwash my identity. To believe Him when disappointment tries to pollute my vision.
So…that’s what I’ll do. I’m not sure what that looks like yet—to believe Him fully. I’m not sure how many tears it will take to get to the real laughter. I’m not sure how many people I’ll need to forgive in order to move on. I’m not sure how many risks I’m going to have to take to get free. I’m not sure how many times I’m going to have to step out in order to stop caring about what man thinks.
But this I'm sure of:
I know He’s got me.
And He's never letting go.
3 comments:
I am speechless. Taken away by the truths of your words knowing they come straight from your heart. You have an eloquent way of expressing yourself. I thank you for sharing. Now I know that I am not alone through the struggles that I face. Now I know that there are others out there desperately crying out for God.
I was reminded today that ....
God loves us.
God sees us.
God hears us.
With each tear we cry.
Every time our heart breaks.
He knows.
And He still loves us.
He will always love us.
Always.
This I am sure of :-)
Hello, I don't know you or anything, but I came across your site and I really find it inspiring. I wouldn't usually do this or anything, but I find such a real heart in the things you put on here and it makes me want to serve the Lord even more in my life.
I hope that you would keep doing what you are doing and keep pressing forth in the world.
Well yes, I haven't subscribed to you or anything, but I will keep coming here, just to see what other insightful things you have to put.
Remember that God can use you in anyway. And he just did, right now. Thank you. Thank God.
Have a great week. Goodbye.
Thank you to both of you. You encouraged me so much with your comments to keep writing. Thank you again. God bless.
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