"Simplify, Simplify."

It just turned 11:11 here in Chicago.  Make a wish. Done. 

                     

Tomorrow I leave the comforts of a bed, a pillow, a bathroom, internet, cell service, warm water -- in exchange for an oversized backpack, a canoe, a change of clothes, a few toiletries, some food, a mug that also serves as a bowl, a spoon-fork (ever used one of those?!), a tent, a sleeping bag.  Oh.  And a journal, for my obsessive thought recording habit.  It’s a problem.  

Gain often comes disguised as loss, or so I hope.  As I head up into the beautiful Canadian wild, my heart has the idealistic expectations of one who's read Thoreau a bit too much. There is a deep wish that the leaving behind of comfort will produce a gain in perspective and focus.  

I flew to Chicago with so many questions, anxious over pending decisions that need to be made and worried that I will forever feel disconnected from my heart when it comes to knowing what to do.  I watched from above as a lightning storm broke out to the left of the plane.  It was incredible, and I felt present. I forgot for a moment the possible scenarios of my next life transition, and instead just watched in awe at the flashing, nature-made lights.  

Overstimulation and easy access to information and possibilities take their toll when not counteracted with an active pursuit of heart steadiness and peace.   Hearts are left with empty places that were once full.  But the happy thing is that they just need a reminder-- a lesson in wonder -- to start filling up again.  On my way here my dad called me to wish me a safe trip, in which he wrapped up the conversation with a request, “Caitlin, be surprised by joy.” 

So here I am, about to sleep my last night in a comfortable bed before the trip begins, happy that I noticed 11:11 on the clock, happy that I was present to the child-like fun of making a wish, happy to be going directly into lung nourishing air and wonder-restoring beauty.  

And expectant that what seems like loss has a way of turning into strength.  

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear; nor did I wish to practise resignation, unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan-like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms.” 
― Thoreau, Walden

Something I wrote in my journal back in the fall of 2007.

"God keeps pursuing us and believing in us, even when everyone else has become tired of us and familiar with us.  Not only is He the first to see the best in us, He never stops seeing the best, no matter what the crowd of people may say."

Throwing Away Options

Rant blog, but here it goes. 

I'm so tired of options.  We are a culture in love with possibility, which is amazing in many ways,  but can also get out of control and unhealthy.  

A few days ago, my friend Katelyn made a profound statement, "Options have made us too crazy." Today, I read an article in Christianity Today that addresses the prevalence of options in our world and the consequences of having so many choices. It convicted me, calling me out on my own tendency to always want to wait around until something feels perfect, procrastinating on making solid, definite choices.  Growing up in not just a national culture that celebrates the power of being able to  make changes and break commitments on a whim, without much thought for consequences, I also grew up in a church sub culture where prophetic words were often given too much clout in determining choices.  

My personality already has a tendency towards spontaneity and seeing the world as wide open with potential, which is something I love and don't want to lose, but in the midst of my free-spirited nature, I find myself craving commitment.  I love adventure, however as I grow older I'm beginning to think that there is an incredible adventure found in making powerful, true decisions that become a single-minded, focused commitment to an unaltered path.  The adventure is found in what comes after the "yes", and the amazing things that come along after a clear decision is made.  

The author of the article, Barry Cooper, wrote, "Making choices and moving on with our lives seems increasingly difficult.  We find ourselves paralyzed: unable to make choices about relationships, dating, marriage, money, family and career.  I want to suggest that if we feel unable to make these choices...it may be because we're worshiping a false god."  He adds, "The god of open options is also a liar.  he promises you that by keeping your options open, you can have everything and everyone.  But in the end, you get nothing and no one." 

A brief scan through history seems to indicate that the most powerful people throughout time have been those who knew how to make solid, courageous decisions, and never allowed their thoughts to be crippled by regret or a surplus of option.  They didn't live in fear of what could possibly happen if they chose this one path instead of another.  They just said "yes".  

And that's what I want to start living-- the power of true decisions, where fear of the options and fear of wrong choices is no longer something that cripples or distracts.  Clear thoughts.  Clear heart.  Clear vision.  

The article ends, "Choose the God of infinite possibility who chose to limit himself to a particular time, a particular place, and a particular people.   Choose the God who closed off all other alternatives so that he could pursue for himself one bride.  Choose the God who chose not to come down from the cross until she was won.  Choose the narrow way.  Stop worshiping the god of open options."  

Finding the Core

Almost home!

As much as my heart feels a connection to the free-spirited personality of the West Coast, there is something comforting about the DC-Metro area, full of activists and political craziness, the Potomac River, beautiful Georgetown, the gorgeous Appalachian Mountains.  Maybe it's true that no matter where you travel and what is added to you in those travels, the growth experienced is built on a foundation that was formed from what you were born into and what surrounded you in the formative years of life.  And maybe there is a great God plan found in what we sometimes explain away as random chance, in that He intentionally planned a specific entrance for us into this huge world, with a very unique design meant to set us up for a beautiful, fulfilling life.

Leaving California, where I didn't think too much about a "life plan" because I was too caught up in wonder at the great love of a Father who would see wisdom in giving me a safe place to recollect child-like awe, I am now going back to a land where the questions like "what's your life goal?" are common.  Sometimes my heart doesn't have words to answer that question, but it knows that deep down nothing about this journey has been a waste and my life goal is to just love God well.  Yet, there are passions God has put in our hearts, meant to be used as a means of worship as we give them back to Him in the lives we live, and I want to know those passions, my core.  I want to live from a place of knowing what I was made to carry in my lifetime as I walk through the days I've been given as a beautiful gift, and I want those days to count.  My prayer in this next season of life is that God would begin to give words to my passions, and that I would connect with the core of my heart.

"You're the God who comes to raise the dead/ I know You'll raise me up again/ I know You raise me up again.../ Every fear in me You've put the rest/ It's the song I sing of Your faithfulness."

-United Pursuit Band

Eastward Bound

"On with the dance!  Let joy be unconfined."

-Lord Byron

Today marks the completion of Day #5 on our trip from California back to the east coast.  Staying overnight in Kingdom City, MO tonight, we're hoping to close the gap between here and home fully tomorrow, meaning a good night's sleep tonight and lots of coffee tomorrow.  Marathon drive.

Driving across the United States without a CD player or a good radio signal makes room for lots of thinking and napping (not when I'm driving!).  When I am better rested and able to form more articulate, comprehensible thoughts, I will write more about my incredible time in Redding, California.  What I write tonight won't do that beautiful six month season justice.  As I was talking with someone the other day about the difference between being tired and being weary, I realized that when I moved to California, I was a weary 25 year old.  What I found there, in outdoor adventures, beautiful friendships, and an incredible church community, was an oasis that refreshed my heart and soul in ways only God could accomplish.  He knew what I needed more than I knew what I needed--and that is true for the rest of my life.  The God who sees and has already provided.  Always faithful.

Although I'm unclear what is waiting for me on the other side of the country, there is a trust in my heart that God is good and I don't always need to know the plan.  Deep joy is what I feel in my heart as I return to the homeland, and a hope that is willing to believe that this is a time to break out into wide open spaces.  A fresh chapter, full of laughter and wide eyed wonder.

Hands open, surrendered, ready and excited.

He is Good

One of those days, full of destiny battles, where it clicks for a second in time that every fight you've experienced has mattered. Intentionally the battles found you to prepare, validate you as a warrior.  And you are ready for this fight because you know the value of your history and future with Abba. What you carry has been shaped by the battles and victories, the glory of God falling on you in new ways, igniting your heart to really know what it means to both crave and live abundance.  What you carry is so needed in the world, bringing beauty out of the ashes all around you, shining light in dark places.  If not for the battles, how would you have learned how to really shine?  

Flashback scenes. Sitting in a doctor's office, 19 years old, with a report that brought fear to my heart.  Poor hand circulation, according to this doctor, equaled a pending auto-immune disease.  As the doctor left the room, instantly spirit spoke to soul's fear, "I will live and not die.  I WILL declare the glory of God all the days of my life."  Yes.  Grab that. Agree with truth.  The doctor returned with prescriptions, predictions, but my heart was re-aligned with the Father's will for me.  Live and not die.  A life that declares with all that is in it, until its last strong breath, HE IS GOOD.  Knowing He is good, deep down, starts to take hold of your life.  Your thoughts, ideas, decisions form from a place where all is pure, lovely, good.  A life cloaked in kind of victory guaranteed by the kingdom in which we dwell.  A victory in that moment of spirit realigning soul, reminding the whole person, you will fulfill destiny.  And because you believe that, your belief will powerfully call others into that place of the God path.  

And He is good.  Through the battles, He is good.