i need

a lot of grace.

I have no idea what I'm doing. No idea at all.

regaining muchness

"to disturb static shadows to bring action to resting dust."
-king charles

I'd like to disturb static shadows. To bring action to resting dust.

To never lose the "muchness" that I'm called to live in and live from and live for...forever.

Yesterday I finished college. In a week, I receive a piece of paper that apparently means a lot, even though it could easily get consumed in a fire. And not even a big fire. A little flame could destroy that paper in a matter of seconds. Awesome.

In my searching for the right word or words to describe how I'm feeling, I find fear the most common emotion behind my train of thought. Most of the time I can't wait to get into a new season, even though it's scary. I've never been a huge fan of lingering. (Although the last two years have taught me a lot about learning the beauty of lingering).

Today, however, I find myself watching the crutch of twenty three years get thrown over a cliff and it's taking me beyond uncomfortable.

I love school because I love the world of academia. And as much as I protest bubble communities, I've found myself growing accustomed to the ones I've formed in my life. My library retreats, journalism lab evenings, close knit friends. Many of those friends keep me safe and challenge me, which is a God-send.

But at times I feel my legs growing too dependent on the safety that community provides. I feel like my stand has become weak as my muscles have been given to laziness.

I want to know this...
that from here on out I will learn how to stand.

My mom told me a story when I turned sixteen. In a card she wrote out a story about the day I was born. I was a breach baby and I would not turn around in her womb. The doctor tried everything to get me to face the correct way, but I wouldn't respond. My mom told me that I was determined to stand.

Yet, standing is uncomfortable. At least for me. I find myself more a coward than a person with conviction; more an excuse maker than a standard keeper.

Yes, I believe in grace. But a grace that empowers, not a grace that enables me to stay in the mess of sin and confusion that wants to kill me.

I guess the point of all these thoughts is mostly that I want to live a life that disturbs static shadows and awakens resting dust. I don't know exactly what that means. But I am starting to learn what it doesn't mean.

I want the muchness back. The muchness that believes all is possible. The muchness that fights for justice and believes in honor. The muchness that speaks life and not death, that hopes for the best, that holds onto the promise of better things to come, that believes that there is still good in the world and that people are worth fighting for.

But more than anything, the muchness kind of life that follows Jesus everywhere. Even if that means giving up everything.

has it come? already? HOW?

I'm sitting in the j-lab with my lovely friend Kelcey Bridges, who generously volunteered to quiz me on the information I need to know for the identifying portion of my VERY LAST FINAL EXAM OF UNDERGRAD.

I am so ready to finish strong and head out to wild country.

mmmhmmm.

But I will savor this evening. And tomorrow. And then my very last class on Thursday.

God is good.

HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

no regrets. no glances back. no halfhearted end.

IF [e.e.cummings]

If freckles were lovely, and day was night,
And measles were nice and a lie warn't a lie,
Life would be delight,-
But things couldn't go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn't be I.

If earth was heaven, and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I'd be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn't be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair,-
Yet they'd all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn't be we.

i am a little church(no great cathedral)

i am a little church(no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities
-i do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
i am not sorry when sun and rain make april

my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying)children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope,and i wake to a perfect patience of mountains

i am a little church(far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish)at peace with nature
-i do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
i am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring,i lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)

-ee cummings

shalom and zedakah

Peace and Justice.

Those two words motivate my heart into action. Just recently I began thinking about how they work together, which required a word study into the meaning behind the words.

I stumbled upon an article that helped me get started with research.

Taking a dive into the Hebrew...

Peace=Shalom

I've loved this word for a long time. I knew that it went beyond just peace, and actually meant wholeness, peace, joy,freedom, reconciliation, community,
harmony of all creation--both physical and spiritual,righteousness, truth, justice, communication,humanity. Jesus was saying, "Blessed are the shalom-makers." What I did not know is that "Perhaps the best English word to translate shalom is not 'peace' but the word 'Zion'" and Zion "is a state of justice where culture, institutions, and personal relationships all honor the worth of persons and the restoration of the worth of all." I need to study this out more.

Now onto the word with which I am much less familiar. Justice. God takes it seriously-- "Justice and only justice, you shall pursue..."—[deuteronomy 16:20] In my search for understanding, i stumbled upon this paragraph: "One word for justice in Hebrew is zedakah. The concept of justice in Judaism is different from Greek-Western views of this concept. The emphasis is not on "retribution" (punishment) or "distribution" (fair shares for all). It is more what human living should be like. That is why the word zedakah is not only translated into English as justice but also as righteousness, which means living a just life personally."

Often I associate justice as an action that is holding hands with mercy--"Mercy and truth are met together; righteousness and peace have kissed each other." [psalm 85:10] But I never thought deeply about it in relation to peace. Now I'm starting the thinking process, and more than anything I'm realizing that both justice and peace are meant to bring about an outcome of wholeness.

Lots more studying needs to take place...


http://www.cofchrist.org/peace/
[disclaimer: I am not familiar with the church or their beliefs as a whole. I do appreciate the information that I gathered from their site on the subjects of justice and peace. That information helped me get started with some questions to ask in studying these words.]

it could have been me

except it wasn't supposed to be.

sometimes that is hard to understand. and that's okay.