my prayer

"I hope you always forgive, and you never regret..."

Babysitting has become my side career. If I could put that down on a resume as job experience (which it totally is), I would have some impressive qualifications. I may not be the greatest writer, or ever make it to NY Times level journalism, but I sure do know how to make an awesome grilled cheese sandwich.

Lately, I've found myself turning to a prayerful kind of thinking when I'm around some of the children I watch on a regular basis. Many of my hopes for them turn into a conversation with God, "Hey Abba, what are they going to become? Will they desire you? Will they overcome the tough stuff, and become stronger because of it? I hope so. Make it so."

I'm not sure how long I'll be in their lives, or if they will even remember me a year from now, but I know that I will remember them. I think babysitting makes me even more thankful for the good teachers who exist in this world. After a parent, I wonder if there is any role more vital in a child's life than that of a good teacher, and as a babysitter, I get a small taste of the privilege of being involved in someone's formational years.

And I find myself more aware of the responsibility I carry...we carry...to a younger generation. I pray that they learn that forgiveness is a main ingredient of a beautiful person, that regret is not worth carrying, and that love conquers evil all the time, even if it doesn't make sense or seem like it right away. And I pray that their hearts long for Jesus, and that cultural Christianity wouldn't water down the adventure of living life with Him. I pray that whatever life throws their way, there would be a grace to overcome, and a joy unspeakable, full of glory.

As I go to Mexico, I am praying these things for the kids there too. That God would capture their hearts with the incredible generosity and goodness of His heart, and that they would say yes to following Him and never look back.

earth confronted with heaven

Tomorrow, I am heading to Mexico to help with a youth retreat. I feel excited and honored to be a part of the lives of people who I've never met. I have no idea what to expect, which is different than most every international trip I've taken.

Tonight as I was praying and trying to pick which books to bring with me as heart nourishment during the flight, I pulled down Tozer's book "Knowledge of the Holy" and opened up to the preface. The very first sentence floored me. It put into a few words what my heart is longing to see manifested in my life:

"True religion confronts earth with heaven and brings eternity to bear upon time."

To see healing and deliverance everywhere, where the Spirit of God breathes life and hope, invading the hopeless and weak, the forgotten and misunderstood, the bound and tortured, the confused and aimless...

that to me is a portion of what it means to confront earth with heaven,

and I want to see that more and more.

"True religion confronts earth with heaven and brings eternity to bear upon time."

-A.W. Tozer,

The Knowledge of the Holy

... in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

-kahlil gibran

Be Loved

There is something hopeful about a crossroad, a transition. Even in the uncertainty of not knowing what is next, there is something beautiful about the potential of what is becoming.

Over the past few weeks, I've been all over the place, from California, to North Carolina, to Connecticut. In a few days I will be on my way to Mexico, and that is as far as my life plans go as of today. Other than having solidly booked plane tickets and a set in stone return date back to the States, everything else in life feels up in the air.

If I really think about that reality, in my own understanding it gives way to waves of fear that I respond to with striving for a plan and analyzing "my" options in order to find some security for what's ahead. I try hard to remember all the promises God's given to me and all the dreams that are in my heart, and once I make a list of them, I then figure out on my own how they are going to come about.

You would think that after all these years, I would know by now that such planning never works.

On my way home from California, I barely slept on a red eye flight. I wanted to watch the sky change as the sunrise approached. While I was looking out the window, I felt as if I was parallel with the Big Dipper, and if I just could have safely stretched my hand out the window, maybe I could have touched the stars. Looking back on this memory, I am struck by the way constellations reflect aspects of the Maker's character. Whether there are earthquakes or storms or famine on the earth, the stars still hold their place. Same with God's love. Regardless of what life throws at me, or what I throw at it, God's love maintains a steady course that doesn't waver in its affection for me.

And in this I find a peace that meets and overcomes all my striving and wondering. To be loved. That is all there is for me to do, knowing that God is a keeper, and His love is stronger than anything I could even imagine. And what if that is really the only thing that I need to know-- that I am loved--and that love is the strongest compass, always pointing the way to true north...

"Happy are the people who know how to praise you,

Lord, let them live in the light of your presence."

-Psalm 89:15

God's Laughter

"I have always loved a window, especially an open one."

-Wendell Berry, Jayber Crow

I am currently sitting in the Cincinnati airport, on my way to San Francisco, then on to Stockton, California to be at my sister's graduation. I can't wait to get there, but this journey has been crazy. Thankfully, I've had Wendell Berry's novel Jayber Crow to keep me occupied, as well as many people interactions and observations.

Leaving from DC, all the passengers boarded, the plane doors were shut, and...we didn't take off. We ended up sitting there for two hours due to bad weather in Ohio. After being deplaned, the airline gave the option of going later and missing the connecting flight, or staying in DC and getting a whole new flight itinerary. My mom and I decided to go to Cincinnati. Once arriving there, we were informed that every hotel room in the whole city was booked because of an event taking place in the area. But, they reassured us that cots and snacks were available in the B11 terminal, along with tiny pillows and thin blankets, a loud tv that wouldn't turn off all night, and motion sensitive lights that went off whenever someone went to use the elevator by the terminal.

Needless to say, I didn't sleep much. I did have a dream though, in the short two hours of in and out sleep that I got. In the dream, every person in that terminal was part of the same summer camp, and someone earned best camper award. Wow.

In a few hours we'll be in the air again, resuming our trip to California. During all the travel craziness, I've been struck by the kindness of specific people, almost wanting to believe them to be angels...even if they are not. Last night, in the middle of a struggle to locate our bag in order to find contact solution, a woman who worked in baggage claim came and took us under her wing. Then, the man working security stayed past his work hours to help us check back in, which he did with incredible kindness.

Probably the highlight of my journey thus far was the passenger I sat next to in the plane that never took off in DC. I was randomly assigned seat 1B after we bargained on our tickets a few days before heading out to California, which was an incredible blessing considering my long legs. Whenever I get on a plane, the first few minutes feel slightly unnerving as I am trying to situate my bags in the overhead, figure out which items to keep in the seat with me, all while trying to stay out of others' way. It's quite an art, I'm convinced. One I've not mastered. However, the man next to me had sunglasses on in the plane and offered that I could place my laptop bag on top of his briefcase bag in one of the overheads. I thanked him. He graciously said no problem. I sat down. Fidgeted. He fidgeted, obviously tired and trying to get comfortable enough for a few moments of shut eye. I tried to move over discreetly so as not to make him feel awkward, and that just led to an initial moment of lighthearted exchange of each others' comfort level. He seemed like he probably hailed from california. I would find out later that indeed he fit in well with those chill San Diego surfers because he lived in that area.

When the plane didn't leave after about 15 minutes, we started talking. The conversation was too detailed to convey fully in this blog, but eventually I found out he is a medical doctor who did patient care for a bit, then went to get his PhD and taught in a med school, and now does research full time, developing drugs to help people with several diseases. He gets to travel all around the world. As we were talking, he started to share with me so much valuable insight, that in my heart I was cheering for him to return to being a professor one day.

He shared with me about the value of finding something I love...my destination...and going after it with everything I've got. He said find your passion, that thing you love, and go do it no matter how hard the journey is to get there...and don't let anyone talk you out of it.

I shared with him my own dreams for medical studies, but also for filmmaking and writing. He didn't water it down for me: both are hard. Both require dedication. Yet, they also compliment one another in incredible ways, where a doctor must be able to communicate and engage. He must be a storyteller in his own way.

Then, he went on to share with me about selflessness being a key to good leadership. Sometimes, even if you feel your plan is the way to go on something, you have to be willing to allow others to provide their ideas as well, even at times going with their plan instead of your own.

I told him how encouraged I was with all he was sharing, and how thankful I was that he would be willing to listen to this curious girl's incessant questioning. He replied that in fact I had encouraged him as well, reminding him once again on a rough day why it is that he does what he does.

I felt God's laughter of pleasure often during that conversation...like he set it up so that the last minute ticket that I was assigned just happened to be next to a medical doctor (who formerly dated a girl who worked with high ups in hollywood and took him to parties in Malibu, where he learned LA is cool, but not his "scene" per-se), and could offer such encouragement that applies to any field I end up pursuing. I decided, as our time next to each other in the sauna hot plane came to an end, that I'd love to have similar qualities to him as I grow: a value for another's story and opinion, an unassuming quality that doesn't look down on another regardless of their status or educational level, a kindness that draws out the passion in another, a willingness to surrender to another's idea, while at the same never losing yourself or your own ideas, as well as an idealism that believes it all really is possible to achieve.

When parting ways, he came up to me in the terminal that we re entered after boarding, shook my hand in a way that said, "you were totally worth my time and I'm so glad I got to talk with you", and then said to me, "I wish you all the luck in the world."

Now that's a guy whose impression on my life will not be forgotten.