Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Looking for Definition
In heroes. stories. essays. quotes. opinions. friendships. respect. success. great ideas. stirring moments. accomplishments. influence. creativity. being cool. being uncool.dressing in [whatever style] seems in [or out--just to be different]. music. literature. denomination. belief. places travelled. movies watched. lingo learned. people skills possessed. perfection. trends. __________.
All fail me. All fall short. All are incomplete.
You are complete. And if that's the case (and I know it is), I would be wise to let You define me. And only You.
I don't understand why I so often want destiny without paying the price, or death to self without getting all messy and undone--but it's part of the journey.
And oh the glory, the promise, of new life.
All fail me. All fall short. All are incomplete.
You are complete. And if that's the case (and I know it is), I would be wise to let You define me. And only You.
I don't understand why I so often want destiny without paying the price, or death to self without getting all messy and undone--but it's part of the journey.
And oh the glory, the promise, of new life.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
It's Amazing...
the things you discover you can live without.
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To know You, that is life.
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I turn 23 in just a few days. It's crazy to think this year is already here--and even crazier to think that deep down, I feel ready for it. NOt necessarily ready for what is going to be required of me in this year--but ready for the new.
This past year has been incredible. It's been incredible in brokenness, in growth, in realizing what I don't want to be about. But now I want to start walking in the confidence of a daughter--the trust of one who knows her Father is not going to leave or give up on her.
Abba, thank You for bringing me this far. Thank You that this is not the end. I ask that You would direct my steps--that I would hear Your voice so clearly. You are so faithful. Thank you for this next year. I want to risk everything on You.
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To know You, that is life.
----------
I turn 23 in just a few days. It's crazy to think this year is already here--and even crazier to think that deep down, I feel ready for it. NOt necessarily ready for what is going to be required of me in this year--but ready for the new.
This past year has been incredible. It's been incredible in brokenness, in growth, in realizing what I don't want to be about. But now I want to start walking in the confidence of a daughter--the trust of one who knows her Father is not going to leave or give up on her.
Abba, thank You for bringing me this far. Thank You that this is not the end. I ask that You would direct my steps--that I would hear Your voice so clearly. You are so faithful. Thank you for this next year. I want to risk everything on You.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Some days...
Some days this is how I feel:
"so i gave chase, and found it finally.
slowly, feeding from your head.
and from my friends, and from my family,
so i grabbed it by the neck.
"for every lover you have ruined."
i dug my nails into its flesh.
"and every life that you have taken."
slammed its head against the bricks.
its blood poured out onto the pavement.
i stirred it in with dirt and spit.
"i will take a part of you!"
i made mortar from the mix.
tore every organ from its body.
broke its bone and fashioned bricks.
i laid the mortar in between.
i made a thrown for hope to sit.
"too long you've torn us into pieces.
firmly held on to our wrists.
today i bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.
I'll hold you, as you have held me -
You've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)
We keep our heads up
We keep our hearts up
We keep our hopes up
-la dispute, the last lost continent lyrics
"so i gave chase, and found it finally.
slowly, feeding from your head.
and from my friends, and from my family,
so i grabbed it by the neck.
"for every lover you have ruined."
i dug my nails into its flesh.
"and every life that you have taken."
slammed its head against the bricks.
its blood poured out onto the pavement.
i stirred it in with dirt and spit.
"i will take a part of you!"
i made mortar from the mix.
tore every organ from its body.
broke its bone and fashioned bricks.
i laid the mortar in between.
i made a thrown for hope to sit.
"too long you've torn us into pieces.
firmly held on to our wrists.
today i bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.
I'll hold you, as you have held me -
You've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)
We keep our heads up
We keep our hearts up
We keep our hopes up
-la dispute, the last lost continent lyrics
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Written on my return from Thanksgiving break...
11-20-09
“I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free.” –sara groves
It’s been a rough day. A rough day on top of a thick pile of other rough days that I just let accumulate instead of giving them over to Jesus.
This rough day was a wake up call. It’s true—you can only go for so long in a negative way before it starts to catch up to you. The rough days caught up to me. They showed me the heaviness that I’ve allowed into my emotions, and how often I’ve allowed my secret place to be forsaken.
God reminded me today about a prayer I prayed last summer. I said, “God, I want to be abandoned to you. No matter what it costs.” He heard that prayer. He reminded me that He heard that prayer.
He is answering that prayer.
I don't think it's by accident that my heart has always had a certain jealousy of people like Amy Carmichael—people with an out of the ordinary faith, who trusted you for everything--living lives of obedience and surrender.
"God, there have been thrones in my life where I have sat and ordered my life. There are idols littering the lawn of my inner world. There is mixture. There is mixture of fears and cowardice. But God, you are so kind. You showed me that You are crucifying those things—to bring me into life—the kind of resurrection life that touches others and brings hope. I’ve known what hopelessness feels like. I’ve felt the shadow of death. I’ve experienced the consequences of disobedience and compromise.
Recently You have been reviving dreams—but also You’ve been showing me the cost. You’re calling me higher. It’s time. Anything else makes me miserable. Your way is the only one worth it, even if it kills me. You are the only way.
And as you’ve made me aware of the cost, you’ve also made me more aware of your protection. I feel like You’re telling me that now is when I’m going to start to see angels. I’ve already started to feel them a lot more often—I sense their presence a lot more often. But I am also going to understand their part to play in my assignment. You are with me. Your angels are round about me. I’m not alone.
I see You moving. You are awakening Your own. I want to be there where You are—where I can hear your voice and feel your heartbeat. I’m jealous for that place. I’m craving it.
I will not take the easy way out. I will not let others be my resolution. Not this time. You are bringing truth and freedom. Again, I say, 'I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free'. "
“I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free.” –sara groves
It’s been a rough day. A rough day on top of a thick pile of other rough days that I just let accumulate instead of giving them over to Jesus.
This rough day was a wake up call. It’s true—you can only go for so long in a negative way before it starts to catch up to you. The rough days caught up to me. They showed me the heaviness that I’ve allowed into my emotions, and how often I’ve allowed my secret place to be forsaken.
God reminded me today about a prayer I prayed last summer. I said, “God, I want to be abandoned to you. No matter what it costs.” He heard that prayer. He reminded me that He heard that prayer.
He is answering that prayer.
I don't think it's by accident that my heart has always had a certain jealousy of people like Amy Carmichael—people with an out of the ordinary faith, who trusted you for everything--living lives of obedience and surrender.
"God, there have been thrones in my life where I have sat and ordered my life. There are idols littering the lawn of my inner world. There is mixture. There is mixture of fears and cowardice. But God, you are so kind. You showed me that You are crucifying those things—to bring me into life—the kind of resurrection life that touches others and brings hope. I’ve known what hopelessness feels like. I’ve felt the shadow of death. I’ve experienced the consequences of disobedience and compromise.
Recently You have been reviving dreams—but also You’ve been showing me the cost. You’re calling me higher. It’s time. Anything else makes me miserable. Your way is the only one worth it, even if it kills me. You are the only way.
And as you’ve made me aware of the cost, you’ve also made me more aware of your protection. I feel like You’re telling me that now is when I’m going to start to see angels. I’ve already started to feel them a lot more often—I sense their presence a lot more often. But I am also going to understand their part to play in my assignment. You are with me. Your angels are round about me. I’m not alone.
I see You moving. You are awakening Your own. I want to be there where You are—where I can hear your voice and feel your heartbeat. I’m jealous for that place. I’m craving it.
I will not take the easy way out. I will not let others be my resolution. Not this time. You are bringing truth and freedom. Again, I say, 'I’m not holding onto anything/I’m not willing to let go of/to be free'. "
a prayer for this season...
Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely,
Because we sailed too close to shore.
........................................
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldy,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show Your mas...tery
Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars."
~Sir Francis Drake, 1577
We are too well pleased with ourselves
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely,
Because we sailed too close to shore.
........................................
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldy,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show Your mas...tery
Where losing sight of land, we shall find the stars."
~Sir Francis Drake, 1577
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Needing direction..
"Help me, O God, to listen to what it is that makes my heart glad and to follow where it leads. May joy, not guilt, your voice, not the voices of others, your will, not my will-fulness, be the guide that leads me to my vocation. Help me unearth the passions of my heart that lay buried in my youth. And help me to go over that ground again and again until I can hold in my hands, hold and treasure, your calling on my life." -Prayer by Ken Gire
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