...I want to

...I want to love

enough to risk my life--for someone else, for my generation, for You. That selfless laying down. That surrender that is so pure because it costs everything.

...I want to fight.

For those I love. To have a cause worth dying for--to transcend the selfishness of our time.

...I want to write.

Of daring adventrues. Of life. Of love. WIth words that come from my heart.

...I want to be processed.

Processed so I can really love. So I can really war. So I can move like wind. So my words hold weight. So my life carries Your presence. So that one day I can stand before kings without being shaken.

only ONE is worth it all

I HAVE ONE LIFE.

And constantly there is a battle. To settle. To deny my ulterior motives. To live as a pagan, with the end justifying the means. To talk myself into the normal path, because it's safe, it's tested. To base my decisions on how comfortable my life will be with what I choose: how meaningful I am in the eyes of man, how big a paycheck I receive, how secure my future is, how respected and loved I am among my peers, how prestigious my pursuits, how "worldly" and aware I am to the "wise" in this culture. Ah. To impress. To be somebody. To live comfortably.

And is this wrong? Is being comfortable wrong? I'm asking myself that right now. Wondering about balance. About purity. About what I'm living for and how I'm compromising and whether I even have a battle cry that will sustain my passion.

It's not the outward comfort that I find so disdainful. It's this heart of mine--the part of me that too often lusts after the things of this world, filled with the pride of life. I don't want to be owned by ANYTHING but God. Whether I live in a mansion or a sleeping bag, I want to have a heart that is solely in love with Jesus, willing to do whatever He asks. But how?

Am I so comfortable in this life that if God asked me to give up everything, I would reply, "oh. Um. Next time?"

And if that is the case what separates me from anyone else? How is that set apart? How is that faith? How is that obedience? And ultimately, how is that Love? Cause if I love, I obey, right?

Is there really a standard? IS THERE?!?

I meant it when I told You, "I want the things that really matter to YOU to become the ONLY things that matter to me." That's what I want to drive my life...to shape my existence...to plot my path...to direct my steps.

Joan of ARc said, "Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." Did she really know what she was talking about? I mean, she died at the stake. Was it even worth it? Was it worth it to inspire generations?

Is revolution worth it? Is laying down our lives even a reasonable action? Is IT?!? Or is that too much idealism? A young girl's immature emotions? Too much passion? Too little wisdom? Not enough counsel?

Maybe that's what I need. A life coach. Someone who can give me the 1-2-3 steps to success. Cause I for sure am not an expert in life, in planning, in figuring out what to do from one day to the next. A way to learn how to ride the waves of changing culture. How to conform so that I don't stick out. How to obey the rules of a culture that likes my obedience.

And yet I can't get this out of my head. Even if I try:

"But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young."

One life. One life that has the chance to love and serve ONE GOD with every breath that I take. Cause anything else, anything less or more....it's idolatry.

It's not about being loud. Or even known. But there is something about the heart--a heart that only God can fully know--that needs to be purified and set apart. There is something about the heart being content in much or little that is powerful. There is something about trusting God no matter what that dispels confusion and fear.

That's what I want.

So God, please, make what REALLY MATTERS TO YOU the only thing that matters in my life.

one life.
That is all I've got.

And in my heart I know that You are the only one who is worth it all.

Breakfast at Tiffany's and Audrey Hepburn. At their best.

" You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself. "
-- Breakfast at Tiffany's

"When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her head. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When a girl looks starely at you, she is wondering how long you will be around. When a girl answers "I'm fine", she is not fine. When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When a girl calls you everyday she wants your attention. When a girl wants to see you everyday, she wants to be loved and pampered by you. When a girl says "I love you," she means it. And when a girl says she misses you, no one in this world can miss you more than she does. The beauty of a woman is not the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides"
-Audrey Hepburn

A Favorite Quote.

"Every man gives his life for what he believes. And every woman gives her life for what she believes. Sometimes people believe in little or in nothing, yet they give their lives to that little or nothing. One life is all we have. We live it, and it's gone. But to live without belief is more terrible than dying, even more terrible than dying young." --Joan of Arc

in Your light we see light.

I wrote this a while ago...but never posted it.




"For with You is the fountain of life; in Your light we see light.”
-King David (Psalm 36:9)

Whoever thought that such a short amount of life could hold so many secrets. It’s like yesterday is connected to all the other yesterdays, and they are the only ones who understand each other. It’s hard to explain myself to someone who wasn’t there with me in those yesterdays—who never walked in those experiences or internalized the heartaches and joys. It’s hard to be vulnerable with those yesterdays, because in them is a part of me—and often those parts are the ones I want to keep hidden in the past. Sometimes it just feels like a bunch of fragmented pieces that don't make much sense.

Yesterday is full of memories, and each memory taught me something. Each memory marked me in some way. My concern now is whether or not I learned the right lessons—if I responded correctly to both the blessings and blows of life.

One thing that I am confronted with is the measure of authority yesterday deserves in speaking into my today. So many opportunities have been missed because I associated today with the mistakes of yesterday, and in so doing, I allowed the shame of the past to isolate me from the good things of my present. Like a jail house, I believe I deserve these bars and chains. But does yesterday really desrve that kind of weight in my life?

I want to make peace with my yesterday so I can walk free in my today. It’s hard to believe that the past does not need to dictate the future—that I can dream pure dreams and love without fear.

I want to see light in God's light. The future is too expansive to keep dwelling on the past. I have to stop making excuses based upon mistakes, some which were not even my own but for some reason I think I need to pay the penalty. The enemy does come in like a flood—with lies that seem so real. But God raises up a standard.


Even after months of extreme processing and changing, dreams still burn in me. I want to travel and preach the Gospel. I HAVE to. No nation is off limits. No people group is isolated from my heart. I really do want nations for my inheritance. I really do want people to know who the Father really is and that there is a place at His table just for them to come and feast. I really do want the truth of Jesus Christ to invade governments and societies, bringing true change that can be documented—change that history books will record and give the credit to God.


And now is when I decide what I will do. "Forget what is behind and press on..." cause now is a perfect time to start preparing for what is ahead--to start thinking differently--to make peace with some of the brokenness and mistakes of yesterday. The choice: Is up to me. God's eyes are glancing downt he road, beckoning for me to look with Him at what is ahead. Today is a NEW day. I'm moving on, moving up, trusting HIM.

----

This morning when I woke up, I felt God ask me,"Remember when you used to dance just for Me?" As He asked that, instead of feeling guilt for forgetting, peace flooded my heart. Every confused thought went silent as I remembered what this life is really all about...and what it's really not about (those treasures that moth and rust will destroy but for some reason we persist in trying to obtain).

Ah Jesus, thank You for the reminder. I love you. I want to dance just for You again.

"Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved.

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved.

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you.

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved."
(Somebody Loved, by The Weepies)

25 m.p.h.

May 8. 2009. 2:12.
afternoon.

I was driving home on back roads today. On those roads, the speed limit never goes over 25 mph. I have this bad habit of not checking how fast I go when I'm on those roads, lost in thought and music, which results in driving a lot faster than five over.

Today was different. My sister got pulled over yesterday for speeding....on a similar back road. Three points on her record. A large fine. Lots of hassle with trying to get those points off.

And I've been guilty of the exact same thing...just somehow I've never been caught.

So today I paid attenion. I looked down at my speedometer once and noticed I was nearing 40 in the 25. I slowed down FAST, looking around to see if any cops were hiding in the bushes, just waiting for me to come around the corner. The people behind me didn't seem rushed. I was expecting them to ride my bumper and then quickly pass me, and it surprised me when they didn't.

I came to the stop light--the miraculous passage way that exits 25 mph and enters the zone of 40 mph. You better believe that once I got into the new speed limit section, I went straight up to 40. In about a second I was up to 45, so HAPPY to drive faster than what felt like crawling.

And then it hit me. I HATE going slow. Not just in driving, but in life. I hate it when things take a long time. When I have to slow down and I don't understand why besides a dumb sign standing on the side of the road. When life switches from 40 mph down to 20 and then back to 40, it's hard for me to make those transitions graciously. Maybe that's why I've never actually fallen in love or written that story I've been meaning to write for years. I just like to GO and not stop. I hate to stop. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

And that is not a good thing.

I wonder if I'm so critical of life's pace changing because I don't understand the reason. If I think it's because of a dumb sign that was placed on the side of the road to spite me, I'm going to miss the brilliance of a moment in being wrapped up in frustration...a moment that could be a perfect opportunity to plan for when things start moving fast again. (Ok, I'm still not convinced of this, but I'm working on it...)

When life slows down, I gotta learn to roll with it. And when it speeds up again, I gotta be alright with that too. Cause for some reason, which could have something to do with growing up in an area that is surrounded by fast moving folks, I have a really hard time appreciating the slow. I think I'm missing something if I'm not moving quick. But what if the exact opposite is the case? What if I'm missing a huge quality of life factor because I never embrace slowing down?

Yeah. I'm still chewing on these thoughts...trying to sort through why I have such a hard time withe the 25 mph times in life. Hopefully I'll get some understanding so I can start appreciating life better.